I went up to the Portal yesterday to get some supplies. I picked up a Kokipelli windchime, which I love. I also wanted to look at some inspirational books..since I am feeling like enlightenment should be my path right now.
I found this incredible book..and I read it in ONE day! It's called "We Don't Die: George Anderson's Conversations with the other Side" by Joel Martin and Patricia Romanowski. It is an excellent book. For any person who is seeking comfort about death and an afterlife..this book is powerful. I recommend you read it..because it will soothe your soul. There are a lot of things I only suspected until now that came to be more solid after reading this book. I don't want to give too much away...but if you wonder if there IS an afterlife this will help you.
I have always felt there was a life after this one. I have always felt that death was a transition of sorts. I have also felt that God was in everything beautiful and is all around us..and this is true also. Maybe I didn't need a book to tell me also that almost all religions lead to God. That one religion doesn't have a patent on the afterlife. That not one religion is the only ones going to the next world.
I thought this book was exactly what I needed at this point in my life. I am doing now..what I have always wanted to do..as far as crime victims. I am actively speaking to people on a daily basis that have gone through their own hell.
I needed affirmation that my mother in heaven could see what I am doing here on earth. As it is..I cannot really feel her anymore..and haven't in years. Turns out..in the afterlife..you sort of go through stages of spiritual growth..and you actively work on it. Sometimes you are with your family on earth a lot..and sometimes you fade out. But it turns out..they know not only what happened in the past but also know the present and sometimes things in the future. It's like..you have to put pieces of a puzzle together. They discern what's going on.
My mom is watching me do what I do now. She knows I have a lot of anger in my heart and she understands why it is there. I also know now that she must feel that so many glorious things await me in life if I could just work through this obstacle.
I know I am not perfect. I am living life the only way I know how..with my heart on my sleeve. It seems like it gets me hurt a lot..with my emotions so close to the surface. But it seems after living most of my life repressing everything..this is the only way. Since I live this way....I think I am more vulnerable to people's actions and whims. I take things personally that I shouldn't, and sometimes things that I should ignore, I don't.
What can I say about me that you don't already know? I know there is so much beauty inside me..and I want to share it with people..but only if they want me to. When people shun me or treat me badly...I want to curl up in a little corner and resort to the OCD actions that I used to use to soothe myself. Overeating, isolating, picking at my skin, zoning out to escape the present. None of this stuff is healthy...and it's a battle not to resort to it when things get really bad.
There's a little part of me that never grew up. I am still a child in some ways. I do not truly feel like a grown up when I am hurting. On those days, I tell you, I sleep with a teddy bear. Many nights as a child, that was what I had to soothe myself..so that's what I do to soothe myself now.
Parts of my life are really wonderful right now..and a few parts aren't. Things are starting to fall together and that feels good. But it feels like there are a few loose ends and things that I need to tie up before I can move on.
I think there are a few areas of my life where I need closure. Words need to be said, not to harm, not to hurt, but to absolve. There are just a few things beyond my control that I can't fight for anymore. I don't have the time or energy to live up to something I'll never achieve.
Friends are precious, you know. I have been talking to Laurie and Nora the past few days. They tell me I'm looking great! I can't help but think it is because I'm doing something that makes me happy and helps me to heal. The general consensus is that I am moving forward and doing great with it and that life can only get better.
I think that people come into your life for a reason. There are specific purposes for those relationships. As it is, I think we are all sort of interconnected..maybe having met at a different time...in another life or in heaven before we were born. We meet up in this lifetime...love, laugh, live and when it is over, it is over. There is sort of a karmic swap going on. You knew that person before, things happened, good or bad. You meet up in this lifetime to continue what happened, or to resolve something unseen. You part by death or by choice.
As far as Lisa..I always loved her as a sister. We may have known each other well before either of us came to earth to be born. We just had that sort of bond.
I think back..and we had great times together. But then..everything went to shit..and I can only think it was meant to happen that way. Sort of like, she outgrew her need for me and vice versa. I will always love Lisa and she will always be in my prayers. But our friendship has ended....and even though we tried to save it..it wasn't meant to be. When both hearts aren't in it..it's just not going to work.
As far as my cousin Jackie, I think we were actually SISTERS previously or were extremely close before birth. I can go a while without talking to her and feel close to her again from the moment we say hi. I have a primal love for her that can never be taken away.
Besides my mother and my daughter, my cousin Jackie is the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I feel such love when I talk to her or think of her. It's because of that connection that we have that I don't feel so lonely in life. I know my sisters love me..but I am super close to my cousin..and it doesn't even require me latching on to her like a spider monkey on it's mama.
She gets hurt when I don't always touch base, but I think she also knows that sometimes, I just cannot bring myself to talk to ANYONE, because I feel absolutely lifeless and toxic.
I don't know what makes me feel like this..except that it probably has something to do with what I've been through. My old coping mechanism was buckle down and go numb until all the bad shit is over..and that's how I have lived my life.
Until now..because I am finding that reaching out and talking to people is way more productive and less damaging than isolating. It helps a lot to talk to people that are spiritual healers or spiritualists or are survivors. These people can not only know where I'm coming from but they can also serve as an empath. An empath won't make you feel crazy for wanting to hide from the world and they won't make you feel guilty about it either.
And you know what..I am finding out the random person I see at work..or out in public..would like to be smiled at or talked to or at least acknowledged.
I'm enjoying people again..which is good. The last month or so has brought a lot of changes and I see them happening for the better.
I want to make a short note that I have to end a couple relationships that are bad for me: fries and full-calorie soda. I loved fries all my life. "Fries" was probably one of my first words as a child. I loved them all through childhood, teen years, twenties. But I realized that potatoes in any form were causing my ass to grow by leaps and bounds, so I solemnly decided, no more potatoes. Sad but true.
Soda. What can I say about sugar-ladden soda? Soda has been my friend through multiple break-ups, the end of one marriage, multiple job-losses, one extremely shitty 3 years dealing with the justice system, and most recently, a cure for my boredom. I just cannot do it anymore. Two weeks ago I switched to Pepsi One. It has one calorie and is sweetened with Splenda. I did slip up twice and buy full calorie pepsi, but the whole time I felt incredibly guilty while letting it trickle silkily down my throat. Oh yes, sweet nectar of Life. That pepsi. No more, my friend, you are banished.
It's just a fact of life. You get into your thirties and have to learn how to pass by the chips and Suzy Q's (YUM) and twinkies and damn, I can't remember the last time I had a doughnut, and cereal that is actually fun to eat.
Jackie can eat 14 vats of ramen noodles a week but I eat one solitary Suzy Q and I retain water for a week. I don't know why.
Goodbye my sweet sugary friends. I'll have some occasionally but I have to abstain 99% of the time from now on.
Damn metabolism. Damn aging process.
I'm still a Diva. Even if I can't eat chips, dip, milkshakes, ice cream, cake, brownies, banana splits, cinnamon rolls, sno cones, cheese, bread, full fat milk, oreos (OH, I MISS YE!), full fat mayonaisse, chicken strips, toasted ravioli, fried chicken, Whoppers, fried shrimp, cheesy mashed potatoes, fries of course, anything breaded, etc.
I changed my relationship with food. I no longer go to these for comfort or for sport (seeing just how much of a pack of oreos I can eat)...
I think a lot more about what I eat.
Anyway..I don't know how this morphed from a spiritual entry to an entry about food..but oh well.
I'm making changes..and it feels sort of good. I got used to being a needy depressed victim. Now that I'm not that anymore..the lifestyle changes had to come with it.
I'm sick of being that fat funny friend with a pretty face. I'm more than that.
6:09 pm - March 15, 2007
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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