A week of being treated like shit!
Or should I say, more like a lifetime. I�ve had to deal with this family dysfunction since I was a baby. I guess, being an idealist, I thought things had improved over time. But all it takes is a little bit of rubbing that surface pain and wow�it all comes out. And thus, I found out that, yep..it�s all still there.
I don�t know any saints? Do you? The closest I ever came was my grandmother, Lue. She had a very pure and generous soul. But she wasn�t perfect. Because of who she was though, the way she conducted herself, people respected her. She said what she thought, even if it wasn�t popular. She always tried to treat others with dignity and kindness, even if she didn�t care for their personality. I admired her a lot, so I�ve tried to be that kind of person.
One of my problems is that I listen to other people, the wrong people, way too much. I�ve grown up hearing stories about my mom being a wonderful, giving and sweet person. (Much later, I find out, that she actually meant she was TOO KIND, and they kind of liked it and walked all over her).They also spoke of her zany sense of humor, and her beautiful smile.
Of course, later I would notice people speaking out of the side of their mouths, insinuating because she dated a lot she was a whore and was looking for a trouble. The same people were male and female whores, mean and ugly people who chose to tear a person down instead of lifting them up. I think because my mother was dead and wasn�t there to defend herself, they chose her as the perfect target. With one exception, my mothers� brothers and sister were the worst examples of the kind of person someone could turn out to be. At least my mother was a loving person, and when she died, she died knowing in her heart she treated her loved ones well. They can�t say that.
With the next generation, being the children of these people, it really looked like for a long time that we were going to change the patterns. We were going to be the difference we sought. There were so many cycles to stop. Some did a good job. Some of us were stuck. If all you�ve ever known is pain and drama, it takes real honest effort to stop it. It takes being self-aware and brutally honest. So yeah, we were already FUCKED there.
Growing up in my family was like a life-long version of �Mean Girls�. Only, the girls were really my family, which is really fucked up. When I was a teenager, I had two cousins totally walk away from the family and refuse to have anything to do with us. There was a lot of speculation, but it all came down to, supposedly, that these two female cousins thought they were BETTER than the rest of us. Actually, they were sick of the bullshit, and I don�t blame them at all.
My little sister and I were tossed around like raggedly baggage. Everyone wanted to say that they were taking care of us, but the truth is no one was mature enough or decent enough to do so. Those who wanted to had no means, financially. But emotionally we would have been rich. Sad, isn�t it?
In the meantime, we were tortured emotionally by our family. Being Joann�s children meant we were the family black sheep. We were destined for failure.
After multiple homes, my friends� mother took guardianship of me. And my little sister ended up exactly where she did not want to be, which was with my aunt Abigail. Abigail had a reputation for parading her children around like trophies but treating them like shit and little slaves in private. She was a very conniving, nasty person but came off very funny, smiley and sweet.
While Abby had custody of Renee, and my Uncle (her husband) was in Desert Storm, she repeatedly sought out male attention, stalked the men she admired, and basically took my sister and cousins around strangers so she could get laid. She also spent all of his money and savings. In the meantime, I repeatedly tried to go over and see Renee, but my aunt would not let me see her. I believe the refrain was �Melissa is a SLUT�. Gee, thanks for the premature judgment, but I wasn�t even having sex yet, and when I finally did, it was with the same person for almost 4 years. Not necessarily the signs of a SLUT. But who cares right? Couldn�t defend myself at all.
During all this time, my sister and myself and my cousins were repeatedly pitted against each other. The instigating was done by my AUNTS AND UNCLES. Seriously. I wish I was kidding. We were just idiotic little pawns playing into the game. We were taught to respect and obey adults no matter what. No one really ever thought that family would steer you wrong. We were the exception.
Grandma tried to keep the peace but she really was not a match for the bastards I�m related to. They are sneaky, and do underhanded, evil things. She never was someone who thought that way, operated that way, so I don�t think she really could see how people would treat their family that way.
It would take me forever to cover all this ground so I�m going to skip it right now.
Basically, I fucked up in romance. I never remarried after divorcing Jackie�s dad 11 years ago. Gun shy, maybe. I�ve dated and have been engaged a few times. Luckily, each time, a major character flaw or 5 revealed itself in time before I could commit to a total ass. I�m a lucky girl. Unfortunately too, I�m a single mother, which means I have to date while my kid is growing up. I�m not going to wait until she�s 18 to date again. I don�t have the luxury of shuttling off my kid to her father�s house so I could go out on a date.
But whatever.
I�ve never been a very traditional girl. I don�t follow the family tradition as far as religion. I�m very far from being an evangelical person. Blah. Hate it! I don�t swallow every bit of information given to me by religion, and I don�t blindly believe everything ANYONE has to say. I�m a very spiritually open person, and that means I�m open to a lot of different beliefs. Because of that, I am surely going to HELL.
And unlike my family, I don�t put a whole lot of stock in a religious persons' personal integrity. �Oh, he�s a minister� or �She�s a missionary�.
Fuck, I don�t care if you personally sat at the table with Jesus at his last supper. If I see you doing something shady, I�m going to have an opinion, and I�m going to say something. Especially since these types, in MY family, always have something to say to me or criticize me! So Christian of them!
I don�t believe a man should have the right to tell me what to do, where to go, who to talk to, what to wear, etc, etc. I want an equal. Anyways. I don�t bow down and kiss any mans� ass. I refuse to do so. Modesty isn�t my strongest suit..but I don�t dress like a slut either. I wear a lot of makeup FOR ME, because I like it. I don�t believe because I�m fat I should lower my standards, despite what my good old family tried to tell me. By all means, if he�s a dirt bag, snatch his ass up! I don�t think so!
I also refuse to shut up and be nice when I�ve been treated like shit. Like my grams, I try to treat people with kindness and dignity. I don�t have a bone in my body geared towards revenge and making people feel bad about themselves. It�s too much energy to personally set out on a quest to make someone hate themselves and the world. It�s really stupid! If you look inside yourself, you will find enough work to do..so who really should spend the energy trying to CHANGE a person?
And unlike the women in my family, I don�t try to change people. They are who they are. Gentle nudging and proddings, ok. But an all and out makeover? Really? It�s different if I want my man to dress a little nicer, and to shower..and maybe not chew with his mouth open. But it�s really irritating that women believe they can turn what they see as a rough diamond into a solitaire and still think he�s going to be the same person.
Everyone has deal breakers, and I�m well aware of mine. And you can best bet that�s going to help me decide if someone should be in my life or not.
HOWEVER�..
I will fight when I have to. Don�t push me, because I�m not my mom. I will come out swinging. I�m evil when it comes to my family or friends and when it comes to people picking on someone who cannot defend themselves. I believe in being honest and sharing my feelings. I get extremely annoyed when I am the only person who is not allowed to have feelings or be irrational or hurt and betrayed. Justice has always been my theme, and I have strong feelings about what is fair or not, what is right or not..what is proper or not.
My baby sister Renee died almost two years ago of cervical cancer. We survived the most horrific things together. We spent a lot of time, growing up, trying to shield each other, protecting each other. She was really my life. I didn�t appreciate her when we were teenagers. Actually, I was quite mean to her. But that all changed when we were split up when I was 16. We were two parts to a whole.
If I would have had any idea what Abigail was doing, how she was keeping us apart..what a conscious effort it was for her to do so..I would�ve been in jail.
When Renee died, I had come up to Tennessee. My plan was to stay and help her husband raise her three children. The kids were 12, 10 and the baby turned 5 a month before she died. I was living in trailer 2 streets over with my fianc�, my daughter and my fianc�s brother. Maybe if things weren�t so stressful, I would�ve seen what a tool my fianc� was. I was living in a cloud of grief and pain, and lived on autopilot. I remember it getting so bad that I stopped brushing my teeth and taking showers. I couldn�t contemplate life without Renee. Renee died in August, and by January, her hubby had remarried. There was a lot of emotional confusion on my part about that, but I wanted him to be happy. I was also very concerned about the effect that this would have on his children. I could say nothing though, because I felt like I would steal any happiness Tommy would have.
Between August and January, I spiraled downward. I believe I expressed to my cousin Jacq that I didn�t want to live anymore. It had become very apparent to me that my fianc� was a cheating dog..and it was not going to be any better later than it was before we would marry. Logic has never been my strong suit, so I became convinced that he would just go away. I had planned to move to Pittsburgh and get my own apartment and a job. When I got my taxes back I got ready to leave. The plan was, tentatively, that I would go, put a deposit on an apartment. After getting a job, he would follow with his brother. At the same time I was thinking this, deep in my heart I knew that I could not continue on in the relationship. I just didn�t know how to break it off.
It took him stealing my tax money and a confrontation with my cousin Jacq to make it all sink in...that he was a loser and he was using me..and besides�I knew that he was emotionally cheating if not already physically doing so.
So I broke up with him.
And spent the next three weeks huddled in my cousins� spare bedroom. Almost broke because he had stolen my tax money, coming into reality about my sisters� death and all of my failures put me into an emotionally wrecked state. Every time I thought I had cried enough tears, more would follow. I had done my daughter a disservice, and I had made so many mistakes in our lives together. I was so ashamed.
I had come running to the only safe place I knew of. My cousin and her husband. I didn�t know until I counted my money upon arrival that he had snatched another $1000 from my wallet before I boarded the bus. I had less than $650.00. Not enough to get an apartment, much less the deposits. I put my family in a really bad situation because I was a coward.
My cousin was furious with me. I don�t blame her. She was mad at me for being stupid and trusting a man with my heart and money. I knew he had held back about $400.00 of my money..which I thought was fair trade for him possibly finding someone else to glom onto and spend it on her.
Dumb, dumb, and DUMB!
She reminded me often of the financial responsibility she now had for me and my kid. I quickly got a job where she worked so I could bring in money. And I did give her whatever child support I got to help out. The final amount they wanted for me and my kid staying there was $850.00 a month or so. I was incredulous! And desperate. For two people and a baby they were spending about $800.00 a month on food, and now with me and my kid there it would jack it up. OMG.
I was living in their home, and I tried my hardest to be considerate. I helped wherever I could, from watching the baby for their date nights to helping with the housework. It was never enough, because I had totally imposed upon their lives, and I knew that I had to get out of there as soon as possible so I would not jeopardize my relationship with them.
In April, I had been looking for an apartment. Things with my cuz and her hubby had gotten so tense. So my daughter and I moved into a rent by month motel room. It was ok; until I found out I had a child rapist living six doors down. With fierceness, I began apartment hunting. My bus dropped off and picked up about a half mile from the motel, so transportation was not an issue. But the sex offender was.
I was working full time so I had the money to support me and my daughter. I was able to find an apartment in a nice neighborhood. We moved in June 5th. I was so proud. Even so, I continued to help my cuz and her hubby in whatever way I could. I still paid them $100.00 or more each month even after I moved out, because she told me what a financial strain it had caused them.
Things were tough, but we were ok. My daughter and I had no furniture at all, so I amassed furniture from craigslist and other people/places where I could get it for free. A Navy veteran and his wife kindly gave me almost everything I would need to start over..and wow..that took a huge burden off my shoulders. For free, btw!
In September, my daughter got the swine flu. It was horrible! She got very, very sick. I had to report it to the school. She missed 10 days. When she came back, she had to deal with snide comments from teachers and students. Her immune system was impacted severely, so Jackie got sick frequently. In January of 2010, I had to pull her out of school and home school her. Jackie had missed 40 days, from throwing up, to fevers, to hospitalization. I lost my job in October of last year because of my attendance, so I decided to go back to school. I started school in October, full time, as a criminal justice student.
I think being 13 is horrible enough. Jackie was sick all the time, and she began to get depressed. In February, she had markedly worse moods and she began to get very, very emotional. She started her period in February, so I felt that the moods had been to that.
But it wasn�t that.
In April of this year, my daughter disclosed to me that she had been abused by our neighbor. Sadly, she wasn�t the only victim. I will not go over the hell that we went through because of what he did, but it�s been shit ever since.
In April, I had a falling out with my cousin over an ignorant comment she made when I told her what had happened to my kid. And then..I had a falling out with my best friend.
It couldn�t have been a darker time. My daughter was suicidal, cutting herself and was not sleeping at night. I was feeling victimized over and over, because I had been abused as a child, was a survivor of a violent crime and other type of violence. I knew how my daughter felt.
The only bright spots this year was knowing my best friend was coming to visit. That fell through in April. And then I found out a few weeks ago my baby sister�s kids were coming to visit! I was OVER THE MOON! Renee�s kids, coming to visit! OMG! I was planning to have them over at least one night so we could chat and visit alone! They know Aunt Lissy isn�t uptight and judgmental and they tell me a lot more about their lives when we are alone. I bought extra food, I told all my friends about the kids. I was so excited.
However, more was being planned, but no one told me anything .My cousin Jacq and my cousin Nicole were masterminding this whole deal and I was totally in the dark. The day I knew the kids were arriving, I had to text and ask when they were coming. That�s when I found out they�d be there in a half an hour, and no one planned on telling me anything!
My friend took me over to my cousin�s house. We waited for the kids. And there they were..and my heart was full. I couldn�t have been happier to see Renee�s babies. When we were inside, we visited for a while. And then my sister�s little boy Logan said he wanted to see my house. I told him �I�ll find out when and I can let you know� and I patted his hand. I later brought it up to my Cousin Nicole�s husband and he flatly stated she would not allow it to happen. That she had to supervise. What?
Well, it is pure madness when we all get together. And every time I went to talk to Nicole about it, she was in the middle of something, or doing something or I couldn�t find her. I found out then that there were plans for each day.
The 2nd day after they got here, there were plans to go up on the Duquesne incline and have ice cream! And then on to Station Square. It was 900 degrees but ok..we were game.
That was a long day.
That day, the kids wanted to have my daughter over to my cousins to be alone with her and have a sleepover. I was thinking �Why not my house� but then my cousin mentioned it would be a pain to pack them up for one night.
Well, my cousin�s Jacq�s hubby came over to my house. I asked again about the kids spending the night. He said Nicole would never let it happen. I was infuriated. I texted my cousin later and told her I wanted to speak to the kids dad, because I wanted to have them for just one night, alone. She never replied.
The next day, the day of the baseball game, she texted me at the last minute. I brought it up again, and it got ugly. Why did I want the kids to see my apartment so bad (because my daughter wanted to show the kids her nice home) and why alone (because I don�t FUCKING NEED A REASON). I was furious. I emailed the kids dad Tommy and got some generic response. And then his new wife chimed in. I told them all, Renee would�ve knocked some heads together if she knew that I was not allowed to be with the kids, or have them at my house. And then I got the innocent �you never asked� response. Oh really, because I brought it up at least 3 times. I was not going to go to the game, because I had been told I was being irrational, emotional and unreasonable.
At that time, my cousin texted me and told me that my cousin Nicole and the kids were leaving AFTER the baseball game and driving on to Washington DC. I had talked to Tommy and he�d said that if they stayed in town after the game, he�d have no problem letting them spend a night at my house. But oh no, they insisted they were leaving after the game.
I worse my sister�s scarf she�d worn during chemo, and I was really fucking pissed. But I was not going to let Nicole�s ignorance prevent me from spending a few precious hours with them. My cousin Jacq and I left early, but I do know we lost the game.
Afterwards, I went back to my cousin�s house, and hugged her kids goodbye. Leah started to cry really, really hard. I told her, I�ll find a way to come see you and spend time with you. My heart was crushed.
I went home in tears.
The next morning, I woke up and texted my niece Kayla. That�s when she told me that they hadn�t left after the game; they�d left 9 o�clock the next morning.
And I�d texted my cousin Jacq the whole day, and she never even told me. No one planned to tell me, you see. I was lied to by my RELIGIOUS FAMILY. Wow. The hurt. And then..texts later saying no one lied..and that I was wrong. OMG..someone kill me now.
Anyone wonder why I moved to Pennsylvania?
8:58 am - August 17, 2010
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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