It's been about a month since I wrote last....
I don't really want to rehash it all..but let's just say that it was hell and I am now free of the depression that held me down. That bitch.
I have been working my ass off. The job itself is not hard..but things seem to go a lot slower when you are watching other people work. I am extremely grateful for a job to hold me over until something with benefits pops up.
But I am bringing in $1400 less a month than I am used to getting. If that sounds like it hurts to you..you are right. We are definitely very tight right now.
Somehow we will get Jackie's Christmas presents but most likely we will not be able to buy gifts for anyone else. That is okay..at least we have a roof over our head..food to eat...electricity and transportation.
I need to talk about something..but I don't know how to. And I really don't want to cause anyone else undue stress. But...I need to talk about it. Because it's eating me alive.
I have not really been able to be there for Lisa like I would like to be. So much has happened since I got laid off..and I was in my own world for a while. It only makes sense that God would send someone to care for Lisa like a best friend should.
Her friend Donna is the sweetest..most wonderful person. She is ALWAYS there for Lisa...and I know Lisa really appreciates her being there for her.
But I wonder..if there is still room left for me. It seems like Donna is always there..and it feels to me like I'm not really needed anymore and that hurts.
It's not that I don't want Lisa to have her..because I know Lisa deserves that kind of friendship and needs all the help she can get.
So..I feel like a heel..but I am jealous. I am jealous of how Donna is able to be there for Lisa and I cannot.
I am jealous that I was sick this week and didn't want to get Lisa sick...and it seemed Lisa was just fine..because Donna was there.
And I called today to talk to Lisa..because I am finally feeling better and I wanted to come over..but Donna was there and Lisa said she was exhausted..so I got off the phone and stayed home.
I feel like I'm being replaced..and I don't know how to talk to Lisa about it without dissolving into tears and making Lisa more stressed out. We are not in high school anymore...but I certainly feel like my place has slipped and Gosh..I am just so sad about that.
I have always been protective of Lisa and have always had the rightful place of extremely close sister/friend and now I do not feel like we have that anymore.
Is it my imagination or is our relationship cooling?
Am I just getting upset over nothing?
Why can't I stay thrilled about the fact that Lisa has more support than ever and when she really needs it?
I just feel left out..and a little sad. And I don't know how to tell Lisa I feel this way..so I'll let my diary do it for me.
Lisa..you mean the world to me..and I feel like a shit about it..but I'm jealous of your relationship with Donna.
I really suck.
Me
4:37 pm - October 08, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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