All right, all right! Shut up! Shut up!
I know I've been in a hidey hole as of late. I have not been updating.
In hopes that I can expel some of this negativity..I bequeath it to my blog..and let it leave from there. My absence from all of my blogs and pages can be explained rather easily.
I hesitate to voice what is bothering me so much lately..because I am the high queen of putting all kinds of negative stuff in my blog and regretting it later. I am known to delete a blog once a storm has blown over. I can't guarantee I won't delete this entry..but we'll see.
That fabulous job with The Bank I Shall Not Name? Yeah..that one. It fell through. Not kidding. Wish I was. Seems at the last minute..the budget was slashed. It slashed projects like the 3 year one I was going to be working on. It reminded me so much of being laid off from my last job..the one that paid better than I'd EVER made in my life.
I was..disappointed. So much had been lifted off my shoulders knowing I had a new good job...and I can't help but think that all the happiness I expressed over the whole thing jinxed me. I am superstitious..I would think that way.
So..I'm sad but I know in my heart of hearts that maybe it was not the right job for me and that something better will come along.
In the midst of all that..my ex-husband..known as Uranus..was being such a jerk to me. I have NEVER asked him for an increase in child support in the six years we've been divorced, (though it is a paltry amount) and I have NEVER asked him for his half of all the medical insurance, medical bills, prescriptions, doctor visits or any dental related issues..because I felt bad for him. He is OBLIGATED to pay this but has chosen to ignore the fact that he should and just recently told me he's going to take me back to court so he can pay me LESS. Then he laughed...all full of smugness and selfishness.
Now..I have never dickered with him over his obligation of half because I felt like it was too important for us to get along. You know what? I'm sick of getting along. I'm sick of being nice. I'm sick of putting up with his crap and delusions of grandeur. I'm just sick of him.
I'm sick of making all the decisions and not having his support. I'm sick of BEGGING him to just write his daughter a letter once in a while. I'm sick of meeting him HALFWAY when he's NEVER met me halfway.
Mostly..I am pissed that he would ever presume that he is paying half of her expenses...MUCH more like 1/4 of her expenses. I'm sick of him taking advantage of my kind natured attempts to get along with him and make happy. I'm sick of him putting his NEW family first.
I'm sick of him acting like the child support is a FAVOR to me. I'm sick of it coming in the middle of the month when he feels like sending it instead of the 1rst when it's due.
Now..he could be reading this for all I know. And really..I don't care. This is my blog and if you don't like what you read..feel free to hit that little X up in the right hand corner of your screen. I don't have to put up with his crap anymore. We've been divorced for 6 blissful years. But if ya think..for one minute..that things are going to continue the way that have been..think again.
I smell a change coming.
Now...done talking about the tree-hugging asshole.
Now..maybe it's a coincidence..but ever since I had it out with that Sasquatch down the way..some extremely shitty things have been happening to me. I lost the great job..my 2 month old $400 stereo broke...my 3 month old keyboard broke...my house phone just ceased to work...our X-Box broke..I broke a nail...the brand new phones we bought for the house from Best Buy never worked at all.
My suspicions are that someone really has it out for me. It can be bad energy from the Sasquatch and my ex-husband. All I know is that EVIL EYE is real and damaging. I am doing work now to send the negativity, bad luck and bad energy back from whence it came.
The only things that feel solid to me are my relationships with my daughter and David. Everything else has sort of a dreamlike quality to it and I feel very removed from most people that I love and hold dear in my life. I feel myself isolating again and I feel powerless to stop the vicious cycle that always hurts someone's feelings.
I have been having some strange dreams lately. All in one dream..I prospered and did well..then I suffered misfortune..then I was an FBI agent doing a sting and one of my fellow agents died. Since this dream was in color I felt it was sort of phrophetic but it also may have had elements of a release dream..which is sort of an outlet for emotions that you are feeling.
I almost ALWAYS dream in color.
One great dream I feel was a visit from my Grandma Lue..who died almost two years ago. In the dream..I couldn't see a body..but there was this ball of light and I felt such love and reality..and warmth and caring that I just knew it was her. I feel that dreams such as this are visitations from our dearly departed loved ones and I feel so blessed to have felt her spirit..even if it was for a moment or two. When I was in her presence in the dream..it felt as if she'd NEVER died and I think the message was is that we truly never do die. Yes..our physical bodies die..but our spirits go on.
It was so beautiful..that I couldn't have cried if I wanted. I had such a moment of profound happiness and peace..it was beyond words.
I only wish I could feel my mother's spirit.
As far as Jackie..she is doing well in school. The past couple of weeks she's felt downright puny and you can tell because the quality of her schoolwork is not so good. But she is doing better and being more responsible. I am not so sure she'll make the honor roll this time..but it's nothing that can't be fixed with hard work.
Jackie is still telling me she see's colors around people. In our talks..she has communicated to me that something inside her tells her whether to associate with people or not. I think it's amazing that she can see colors around people..aura's. I too had this gift as a child..but too many adults made me think I was crazy..so I blocked it out. I still have the gift of being able to read people pretty well..and it looks like Jackie has inherited this from me also.
I am very proud of her...she is a very spiritual girl. Even though she is 9..she very much has an Earth Mother quality to her.and that makes me extremely proud. Now..if we could only do something about her picking up negativity and bad vibes from people..we'd be good. She is so sensitive to what people think about her that it absolutely wounds her when people are mean.
And trust me..at this age..they are little freaking monsters if their parents haven't raised them right.
The holidays are coming. I have my tree up. Jackie's presents are wrapped and are under the tree. I feel good that I can still give her a Christmas. I am sad though that we are tight on money and I can't really buy gifts for anyone like I wanted to. Every year..I am used to being Ms. Claus and this year I can't.
I do want to say....I am thankful for what I have. I know that if I have nothing else..I do have a temporary job..a home to live in, a car to drive, food to eat and the love of my friends and family.
Right now..we are living paycheck to paycheck..and are running up a lot of late charges on our bills. I worry about how we'll make ends meet. I have told David..and I'll say it again..."This is only temporary". And really..it is. I think for a while..my roads were blocked..but things are looking up again.
I refuse to let our situation get the best of me. And I refuse to spend another day worrying about something I can do nothing about. What I can do..I'll take care of it. What I can't do..I'll do my best and let it go.
The only thing I ask of my friends is well-wishes, love, prayers and good vibes..whatever positive things you can send my way would be appreciated.
5:27 pm - November 08, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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