I wanted to make this entry private..but forgot how to do that.
Right now..I am heartsick. Marc and I had a conversation yesterday that didn't go well. I ended up getting angry...and I ceased conversating with him. I was just very upset because it seems lately whenever I talk about my feelings he has nothing to say. I don't need a confession of love from him..but I do need to know he hears me and understands what I'm trying to say.
I left him a note on his page that said "Why am I afraid of losing you..when you aren't even mine?" I was just sharing what I was feeling at that moment..not trying to make him feel guilty.
And yet..someone he knows and loves leaves a message on his page..basically threatening to block anyone who upsets him..and I then got upset.
I deleted the note I left him..by the way. So far..I've called him twice and texted him once, and he has not replied, to find out what was going on. I just have a feeling..when I go home today..I will no longer be on his buddy list. And that will hurt.
I never truly thought I could just be friends with him. Maybe in the beginning I entertained the notion of something casual..but then I got to know him. My heart can't afford to be friends with him. I need more.
So there is my problem.
He didn't call me last night or Sunday night..which is weird. He almost always does. I feel once again that he has been keeping me at arm's length..and it is frusterating.
My heart is vulnerable to him..because I opened up to him like no other guy..and I feel like he is not treating my heart delicately. Maybe it is because he's under so much stress...I just don't know.
I just want to cry..but I'm at work...so I can't. I smile and laugh today with everyone else..and inside..I can feel my heart splintering off into a million little pieces.
I knew I might get my heart broken..and I let it happen anyway. I am truly pathetic.
9:47 am - June 06, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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