Frustration�is nothing new to me.
But the past two weeks..things have been very stressful..and I�m buckling. I will be fine though. I am happy..just a little stressed is all.
The week before last..I was coping okay. Then..came Saturday..and the phone call that would almost undo all the work I�ve done to recover. I am so mad about that phone call.
I have an Aunt.who shall remain unnamed�who is toxic. I love her a lot..she is my mother�s sister after all. And she and I have worked very hard to overcome all of the problems we had previously had in our relationship.
But she..despite the front she puts on for everyone..is a selfish mean person. She can�t stand to see other people happy. This is obvious to me after observing and hearing about her behavior from other close family members.
It was known..in my family..that I had been in therapy since October. And that I was happy..and had finally put the past behind me. I had been losing weight..and I acquired a glow..a glow which is there because I�m finally okay with my past.
During the past 7 months or so..I have concentrated on me. I have put all my effort into dealing with the issues in my past that had a strangle-hold on my future. I knew..without a doubt..that if I did not face up to my past and my fears..I would never go forward.
During this time..I pretty much have had limited contact with my family. This is not because I don�t love them..but most of them are still in that deep black pit of nothingness I used to be in. Some of them are still in that place where the sun doesn�t shine. They are still in that place where you are numb to everything..including love..friendship�.affection..hope and faith.
I did not talk to my aunt much during this time. An occasional phone call..but I am guilty of not interacting with her at all..except on Thanksgiving.
This was for my OWN good.
I had not talked to her in a while..despite her leaving me multiple messages designed to inflict maximum guilt on me for not calling her. I just couldn�t do it.
Last Saturday�I was feeling great. So..when she called..I was ready to talk to her and catch up with her.
She told me that she had found some letters in Grandma�s things. Letters our family had written back and forth to each other over the years. There were letters from Aunt Rachel..letters from my mother..and a letter or 3 from me to my Grandma. I was more than happy to listen to my aunt read these letters.
But then she broadsided me..which is so much the way she does things. I should not have been surprised..but I was.
She started reading a letter my Grandmother had written to the state about my uncle, the child molester..and concerns she had over the way he treated me. As she got further into the letter..I started to have flashbacks. I started to breathe fast..and felt I might pass out or have a panic attack. It was confirmation that that pig never cared about me at all. I did not need this confirmation�I already knew it. But she continued to read..and she read stuff I did not know..but had already confirmed what I knew. I grew physically ill. I tried to change the subject..but she kept reading. I tried to stop her..but she seemed intent on getting it all out. Word vomit.
And then she read a letter she wrote.
I felt myself slipping. Slipping back towards the abyss. The blackness edged into my vision. I felt the past come racing back..and fear started to creep in. I felt months of therapy starting to unravel.
Finally, I got off the phone with her. I think I called Marc first�and I was so upset. I cried..and talked to him for about a � an hour. He soothed me. I told him..I do not want to go back to to that place..that place where I was months ago. I do not want to ever go there again. I told him I deserved to be happy..and he agreed with me. He also told me I wouldn�t go back there unless it was my choice.
I then talked to Andy for a while..and cried some more. It seemed like last week was my time to cry..because I did it..a lot. I felt very emotional and very vulnerable.
It felt like this wound had just about healed..and she carelessly ripped the scab off. I was so angry. Why would you do that to me? Did I convey to her in any way that I wanted to talk about this ever, ever again? I�m going to have to come out and tell her..no more talking about the murder�or about Der*win..with me..ever again.
I don�t know what I�d do without those two guys. Talk about feeling cared about..I certainly do..with both of them.
The other issues I�m having..is my feelings for Marc. I cannot explain why I have become so attached to him. There is no doubt..he�s one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. There is definitely feelings for him..on my end.
What sucks..is that I always choose Mr. Unavailable. Marc just got divorced 4 months ago..and is not even looking for a girlfriend. We just became something more, the more time went on. He repeatedly assures me that things are fine..that it will all be okay..to just chill�but I have a hard time doing that.
Something I found out about me recently..is that I�m territorial. When I was with Shay*ne, aka Uranus, I was okay him having female friends..and having a life..and not always spending time with me. When I was with Nick..it was the same way..
I don�t understand what it is about Marc that brings out the absolute she-devil in me. I am this close to sending a �Back Off, B*tch� message to this chick on his page. She not only irritates the hell out of me..she also went into my top 8 (I have 142 buddies) and added my friend Thomas. Now..this buttha lives in New York..the only reason she would have found Thomas..out of the thousands of people on myspace..is by going through Marc�s page..to my page�and looking at my top 8.
That is some stalking behavior..and she is pissing me off.
Marc doesn�t seem to think it�s a big deal. But I do not like seeing her ugly frickin face when I log on to leave a comment for Marc or Thomas..especially when I already blocked her. Maybe that�s what the problem is�I blocked her and she�s mad about it. Well..she can bite me.
In other news..I gave blood yesterday for the FIRST time in my life. You may not know..but when I was little..and I almost died (when I was 7)..blood transfusions saved my life. I always felt I should give back by giving blood. But the last time I gave blood..I had a panic attack and had to stop. How stupid.
Yesterday..I was coming back from lunch. I had seen the Blood Drive people in the lobby. I passed them by. I went to the elevator. I thought I could escape.
But I stepped back out of the elevator and headed back.
I did it. I was fine.
Until the bag was almost completely full. I started to get incredibly hot..and I made an audible noise of some kind. The ladies came running over. Before I knew it..I was flat on my back..and there was two ice packs under my neck. It was then explained to me that this was perfectly normal..especially for a first time donor.
�Your bag is full. You did it.� I smiled so big..dizzy as hell..but smiling like an idiot. Yet another fear..gone. I faced it and conquered it.
I felt very tired the rest of the day..but today I feel great.
I plan to give blood whenever there�s a drive now. I just want to do what I can to help someone..
I�m also going to sign up for the Bone Marrow registry. I did that 8 years ago..while in the Navy. I just think it�s a good thing to do.
Man..I am feeling great today. It�s beautiful out..the sun is out..I have great friends..I�m going to be a godmother..I�m in love with life..and there�s a guy I�m really into (Marc)..another I really like a lot (Andy)..my daughter loves me�I am just happy.
Somebody tried to steal my sunshine..but I have it back.
I�m a happy, happy girl who is just a little stressed.
This too, shall pass. The stress that is.
The happiness is here to stay.
9:26 am - May 19, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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