I realize that in the healing process I will not always be doing it by leaps and bounds, and I�m okay with that. But for right now I am great! That �Courage to Heal� book, I predict, is going to become my Bible.
I was mad when I found out that these guys that had been accused of raping and molesting their children said the book was encouraging �Fals*e Memor*y Syndrome�. That really infuriates me.
In many cultures until recently it was a given that men would molest their children. And now they want to discredit the victims by saying that we are not victims of child molestation but are instead people with overactive imaginations and overeager therapists! What crap!
A good therapist will never tell you that you were molested. Instead, she will help you find that out for yourself. But if you have memories, even if they are vague, of being touched inappropriately, then it happened! Part of my molestation happened before the age of 7. It was my grandfather. I had always thought of him as a nasty dirty old man and never remembered why. When I got older he played with himself in front of me and flashed me.
The damning thing is that the detectives told me that when Renee and I were attacked and subsequently went to the hospital and were examined, the doctors said Renee and I both had perineal and vaginal tears that had healed up. Signs of old abuse.
Couple that factoid with something my Dad told me. See, Dad was never really in my life until 2 years ago. And he and mom split up 5 years before we were attacked.
Dad told me whenever he�d come to town, which was often, he�d go to Grandma and Grandpa�s and we�d be there in the playpen in a room with Grandpa. Mom would be at work and Grandma would too.
Couple that with knowing that Grandpa molested my Aunt Rachel and well, he�s tried and convicted in my mind.
Bastard.
No wonder I didn�t cry when he died.
I will not cry when Darwin dies either. Darwin was my uncle/dad who sexually and physically abused, brainwashed, beat, humiliated and took advantage of me. And now he wants to talk to me on the phone. Forget it. Nothing he has is of any interest to me now.
This journey I�m on is painful. Some days I want to self-harm. I am fighting that. I�m getting back in touch with my body, so when I self-harm I am no longer numb, it hurts. It hurts like hell.
It�s hard to build up a support system. I cannot talk to most people in my family about this because the sexual abuse runs so rampant. However, the only people I will let my daughter be alone with is my two cousins: Jackie and Jeff.
I have to protect my child.
I am going to join a support group. I also have joined brokenspirits.com. It�s a place where you can get support from other survivors of domestic abuse, child abuse, and sexual abuse.
I rarely talk about the effect sexual abuse has had on me. It really decimated my life. I was paralyzed for a long time. But it took taking the chance to find a therapist to start to heal. I know some of you have been through the same thing I have. I want you to know you are not alone. You may feel small and insignificant, but I want you to know I care. You are special, wonderful and beautiful and your life is worth living. If you need a friend, let me know.
All my love,
Missy
2:25 pm - January 30, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus