I am feeling weird lately. It�s not that I am depressed because I am not. I really am okay. It�s just that I�ve been doing these writing assignments in that �Courage to Heal� book and some disturbing memories are starting to pop up. I think it�s because addressing the hurt and pain caused by the sexual abuse, which is something I do not ever do. I�ve spent a lot of time squashing it down. I recall the feelings much easier than I recall the vision of it happening.
Now, almost every day I remember something I�d forgotten, and I am very, very angry. Also, I got a migraine yesterday and if I think back, I only get migraines when something triggering or traumatizing happens. I think my memories are bringing on the headaches.
I talk to my niece about the abuse a lot. The more I think about things the more I want to call her. It is helpful for me to talk to another survivor.
She was sexually abused by her step-father, and he was very evil to her. He would usually do it at knifepoint or with a gun. He also told her if she made a peep he�d shoot my sister, and that kept my niece quiet even in her terror.
This is something I do not want to lay at the feet of Lisa, or Rene� or anyone else. I feel like I do enough talking already. But I hope that by me facing what has plagued me for so long and dealing with it that I may become a more whole person. I think my friends and loved ones can only benefit from that.
Therapy is the best thing I could�ve done for myself. I think that by facing my demons and fighting the fear that has controlled every second of my life for 23 years that I am going to emerge a stronger person. I am realizing that I am that mighty sunflower.
I have had so much anger for many, many years, and I never connected the anger with the sexual abuse. I always connected it with the attack. But I suffer with a variety of symptoms that are the benchmarks for someone who has been sexually abused.
I live in bubble, never venturing outside my safety zone.
I�m afraid of the world.
I am immobilized by my own fear.
My fear keeps me from doing what I want to in life and from getting what I want out of life.
I ignore my sexuality altogether.
I suck at intimacy.
I have been known to leave my body when I am stressed or when my emotions get to strong.
I self-harm.
I am passive-aggressive.
I am extremely judgmental of other people, and yet, I would hope that people will not judge me.
There are other things that totally make sense now that I put it all together.
What�s great is that I�m beginning to heal. I�ve resolved to take the power away from all the men in my life who ever abused me in any way. I refused to be pushed down by them.
I really think I�m going to come out of this a stronger person.
I just have to connect with my body, feel, and listen to it.
I need to acknowledge my feelings and nurture the child within.
I want to thrive.
I don�t want to stand on the sidelines of life anymore.
I don�t want to eat my feelings.
I want to love and be loved without limits.
I think I deserve it, at the very least.
1:16 pm - January 24, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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