I have been extremely busy lately. No time to update anything, much less my diary.
The article is going to be published by the St. Louis Post Disp*atch on September 18th. At least I have a date now! I know I keep harping on the fact that I strongly suspect something harmful or embarrassing will come out. After all, his daughter has been flapping her jaws nonstop.
I feel like I�m in a constant state of anxiety.
The circuit attorney is climbing Mount Kilimanjaro in Africa raising money for ALS in September so I know for sure I will probably not be subpoenaed this month.
More waiting. Yay!
Even though it is for a good cause�.
This weekend little Jacq and I went to my Uncle Mat�s farm in Lynn, Missouri with Big Jackie and Her Man John. It was so much fun!
We left Saturday morning and it only took about an hour and a half once we got on the road.
I�d never been to their farm, so I was pleasantly surprised at how beautiful it is there. They have the most beautiful panoramic views of the hills and valleys around them. So much green!
I�m a city girl. The most green I see is the 3x5 patch of grass in front of my apartment!
My uncle has these majestic looking pigeons from India. There were about 50 and he�d built a big coop for them. We got to go inside and even held some baby ones.
They have a huge fantail and feathered feet. They were really cute! Most of them were black, or white, or black and white, and there were a few brown ones.
My Grandma�s dog looks great. Toy even recognized me! She looks healthy and happy at my uncle�s place. She�s even lost about 3 pounds.
Lots of room for a dog to roam around and a fence to keep one in safely from the road and its hazards. She�s about 14 years old, so she�ll live out her remaining years in a beautiful place.
I only wished we could�ve done that for Grandma, but she was stubborn. She didn�t want to move from her home.
Well, anyway, once we hugged all around, Aunt Lori and Uncle Mat took us inside and gave us a tour of their house. It is a rustic, roomy place. Very charming!
Me and my uncle ended up outside in the yard, sitting in chairs, chatting for a couple of hours. I sensed he felt he had some things to make amends for. Really, I don�t hold any grudges against him. But obviously, after talking with him, I felt he had some guilt for the way things happened in the past.
It was healing.
We did talk about Grandma. He knows from experience now what it�s like to lose your mother. No matter what age you are, it really sucks.
I cried a little. I told him the feelings of sadness and anger and grief about my mom never really go away. He understood.
And he understands that Grandma was what I had left of my mother, and losing her just left me a little lost.
After our chat, he gave me a tour of his property. I got to see his huge garage, his gargantuan collection of tools, and his vehicles.
He has this huge red truck he calls �Big Red�. I had a hard time hauling my butt up into it to take a tour of his property. I got to see his barn and a lot of his land.
After that, we went back inside. Dinner was about ready, and we were starving! Mat and Lori made this huge spread of barbecue! You couldn�t help but fill your plate! We had barbecued brats, chicken, hot dogs and hamburgers. Plus potato salad and beans!
After that, we got down to the business of copying his home videos to CD�s for me.
It touched me to finally see my mom on film. And my aunt Rachel too. I didn�t think I could love anyone as much as my mom, but I was close with Aunt Rachel. When she died, it like to have killed me, but that is for another time.
The videos when I was 7 were silent. There was no sound. Those were cute! To see all of us kids looking young. And to see my family being close and loving. It was nice. Our family is not close anymore, and it is sad.
I knew I was in for it as soon as we got to the videos from when I was 15. I was boy crazy!! And a dedicated metal head!
Soon after the first video, there was my first real boyfriend, Rich. It is so embarrassing to see me so obsessed with a guy. I talked about him incessantly!
Oh, and the talk about Sebastian Bach from Skid Row, or Jani Lane from Warrant, or Kip Winger, or Ozzy Osbourne! Sometimes, I even carried a stereo around with metal playing on it!
And this black newsboy cap. I wore it all the time. Especially with my skull and crossbones earrings.
I wish I was kidding!
I was even video-taped head banging.
Yes, the embarrassment never ends.
I was so thin too! I had a nice body!
It�s just so weird. I can�t wait to show them to Lisa. She�ll die laughing.
I think I�ve mentioned that I have felt for some years that someone took my memory and wiped it. I just cannot remember some periods of my life. Times that should be significant because they were a big deal!
While watching the videos things started to come back to me.
It occurred to me that the only time I was really allowed to be myself was when I was with my Uncle Nat. He allowed me to be weird, and that was okay with Aunt Lori too.
They were so young when they took me and Renee in. I was 15 and Renee was 12. It�s a lot for two 27 year-old�s to deal with. No wonder it didn�t work out.
Uncle Nat apologized for that too. I understand a lot now that I�m 30. I don�t blame Uncle Nat or Aunt Lori for anything, because Renee and I had a lot of baggage. It was probably a very hard year for them. And then to have to give us up. Well, nobody blames them. I certainly don�t.
This weekend was significant in a lot of ways. A lot of healing commenced. And my Jackie had a blast. She had so much room to run around and be crazy. She took some pictures so that she can show the kids at school!
We took a break from the videos for a couple of hours and sat around the fire outside. The weather was absolutely beautiful, about 70 degrees. Of course, the sun had gone down about an hour before.
We had s�mores. It was dark. Uncle Nat brought me a S�more he made himself. I just happened to catch the moonlight and I noticed there was about 6 blades of grass it. Always the jokester!
After the s'mores and talking around the fire, we got back to the business of the home videos. More talking, laughing, and embarrassment on my end. I was such a camera ham! I couldn�t pass by without making a comment of some kind.
We got halfway through the videos around midnight.
Uncle Nat put down a mattress for me in the living room. I crashed! I was exhausted! I slept like a baby.
Jackie slept on the couch.
I had set my alarm on my phone for 6:55 am so that I could get up and spend time with the family instead of sleeping. Even though I was tired, I got up when it went off. Uncle Nat was already awake and said, �What the hell is that noise?� I told him it was my cell phone, so he brought me my purse. I turned it off.
Me and Uncle Nat went outside and chatted for a couple of hours while Jackie ran around and chased the turkeys. That was pretty funny.
Eventually, Aunt Lori made breakfast. Bacon, sausage, eggs, biscuits, brats and toast. Yum!
We finished the videos.
I wasn�t nearly ready to go, but John had a lot that he had to do that afternoon, so we got packed up to leave.
Hugs all around and we were on our way back home. What a scenic drive! It was absolutely gorgeous in that area.
On the way home, we stopped by to see Uncle Dan. We visited for about an hour, but hunger got the best of us, so we had to leave. I hope it lifted his spirits!
We stopped at the Cracker Barrel for dinner. That was yummy! Of course Jackie always suckers me into buying her wax fangs and some candy at the gift shop when it was time to go. She was so good and well-behaved this weekend I thought she should be rewarded.
We got home about 6 o�clock, maybe earlier. Tommy (Jackie�s ex), who had been babysitting Little Bear for the weekend, had already left.
I wasn�t home for 15 minutes before my Uncle Larry showed up to pick up the antibiotics the VA had sent to my house.
We visited for a bit.
He seems happy.
The rest of the night was a blur.
And here I am. A little groggy, but happy because I got out of town and did something fun for the weekend.
I�m happy.
By the way, I have been so tired lately. I was hoping that that side effect of Klonopin would have lessened or gone away by now. I always feel like I was up partying half the night before. The medicine works like a charm, though. I sleep soundly and dream almost every night, and I remember my dreams!
It�s nice to remember the good dreams.
10:12 am - September 12, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus