I feel incredibly bad right now.
A long time ago, in 1987 to be exact and when I was 12, a light went out in my life. My favorite person in the world, my Aunt Rachel, died of a cerebral hemorrhage at the age of 33. What died with her were my hopes for a happy and carefree existence.
Since my mother had died, and I had almost died, I knew what a terrible place the world was. But the consolation prize to losing my mother was gaining a life with my aunt. Being with Aunt Rachel sort of made up for all the bad things that had happened.
When she died, Aunt Rachel took my smiles and laughter with her. Replacing it was cynicism, sadness and sarcasm, barely apparent though, as I was in fear of her husband, Darwin. I was never my true self around that tyrant.
When Aunt Rachel died, she left behind me (12), Renee (9), Nicole (3) and Crystal (a few months old). Even though us kids were cousins, with me and Renee belonging to our mom Joann, and Nicole and Crystal were Rachel�s biological children, we had been raised as true sisters.
And so I loved Nicole and Crystal as much as I did Renee. Renee and I had an unbreakable bond because of what we went through together, but I adored Nicole and Crystal.
Nicole was a haughty little girl. But you couldn�t help but smile because she was really a beautiful child. Large brown eyes framed by long eyelashes, and long gorgeous honey colored hair.
A smile that could melt the polar icecaps.
Yeah, I was in love with Nicole. I was fiercely protective of her too. No one had better lay a finger on her, or else.
When Aunt Rachel died, our house became a bad place to live. Living there felt like a prison sentence. Renee and I were beaten, belittled and demeaned constantly by Darwin and Sam until we had no self-esteem whatsoever.
One night, my Uncle did something real stupid. He gave me an out.
After he smacked me in the head for the last time, he told me and Renee to get out and never come back. I don�t think he meant it. To this day, I think he was just trying to scare us. After all, he brought up constantly the fact that Renee and I would go to a girl�s home if he didn�t want us.
Tears in our eyes, Renee and I went into our rooms and began to pack our clothes. Nicole stood in the hallway and cried. She was five. We were her world.
She cried and begged us: �Sissy, don�t leave. Please don�t go! Stay here�� and she sobbed. Her little face was streaked with tears.
I stopped, put her little face in my hands and said, �Don�t you understand Nicole? We must go. We don�t want to leave you, but we must�� It was fruitless to try to explain to Nicole that her dad was an abusive cruel person. And there were other issues�but now was not the time to try to explain it to a five year old.
I couldn�t make Nicole any promises, but I pulled her in close for a big hug. I smoothed her hair and whispered that I loved her. Who knew it would be 12 years before I�d see her again?
She wandered off, alone in her grief. It broke my heart to think that she was crying about me leaving, but I had to do what I had to do to get out of there.
After a while, Derwin and his wife Sam left with Nicole and Crystal. That was his way of leaving us out, and he did it often.
I think he expected to come home and find us there, not having left at all.
But when he came back, we were gone. I had called my uncle Travis and he had come and picked Renee and me up for the last time. He was tired of seeing bruises on me and Renee.
In a few days, Renee and I had been transported back to St. Louis and were reunited with family. Part of me felt ecstatic that he was never going to harm me again.
Part of me felt guilty for leaving Nicole. Part of me hoped she�d get over it, that maybe she was young enough to recover from losing two sisters. What�s old enough?
I felt good though thinking that Darwin would never hurt Nicole in any way. After all, she was his favorite. He would never harm her. If anything, she was spoiled.
Or so I thought.
Many years later, I find out that he didn�t hit her, but he was never really a good dad either.
For that, I blame him only. He had so many opportunities to make things right, and he never did. With any of us.
Nicole�s been visiting with our family for a couple of years now. Crystal will be, in 6 months or so, when she turns 18.
The only thing Nicole wants is me to come visit for Christmas, and I cannot. I have so many obligations that I can�t get out of. They are important things like taking care of Max and my Grandma.
I feel like I�m letting her down again.
It�s like she�s five again.
With big brown eyes and long eyelashes.
And long, honey colored hair.
And a smile that could melt the polar ice caps.
My Nicole, my sweet Nicole.
Oh, how I love you.
1:29 pm - December 06, 2004
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