I haven�t had much to write about lately. So thank you all for hanging in there and continuing to read my diary. I know it seems somewhat boring in contrast to what it was this time last year. I used to update everyday, and now, it�s a couple of times a week.
Don�t despair, my darlings. Upheaval is around the corner. Sigh�..
There is a parole hearing next year for Rodney, the man who killed my mom and tried to kill my little sister and me. In fact, I�ll probably be asking you guys to sign a petition and if you were so moved, to write a letter to the parole board. After all, you all know me better than most people, and I�m sure it�s obvious the effect the murder has had on my life.
I wonder sometimes what my life would�ve been like if this would�ve never happened. I wonder what a life without phobias, fear, anxiety and night terrors would be like. I guess I wouldn�t be me without them.
Another issue I need to be sorting out is my divorce. It�s painful for me to write about it because I am ashamed that I was so deeply affected by it. A lot of girls I know would pick themselves up and dust themselves off and get on with their lives. Yay girl power!!
I guess a small part of me still wants to believe that we�ll one day have something again, but that�s impossible. And after all the low, slimy ignorant things he did to me I should not even dream of having him back in my life that way.
I think part of it is the guilt I have at not being able to give my daughter a complete family. I know that�s something she wants, because she talks about it a lot. Sometimes I have to gently remind her that it might be a while.
It kills me that the one thing she really wants, I cannot give her.
But the guy can�t be Shayne. Shayne did me dirty, and he�s not the kind of man I want to grow old with. When he was younger and sweeter and kind, yes, I could foresee us growing old together. Now, not so much. I care about the man he is now, I even like him somewhat. But he�s not the same person in ways that really count.
I guess neither of us is.
I�ve changed a lot too, but I think it�s for the better.
It sure takes the wind out of my sails when I think about the fact that my ex-husband had a horrible head injury. That he almost died a few years ago.
He was working at a logging mill in Oregon. It was his first day on a new job. His boss told him to crawl up inside some equipment to get whatever was stuck, unstuck.
�It�s off. Don�t worry�.� his new boss told him.
Once Shayne got inside, and unstuck the stuck, the machine started up again, and quickly compressed his head.
Multiple fractures in his face, his teeth blew out of his head, and a carotid artery later, he was in a coma.
He almost didn�t make it.
To make matters worse, I had to find out through his girlfriend. His family chose not to tell me.
World War 3 ensued. You mean to tell me that you won�t tell the mother of your son�s child that he�s in a COMA! But you tell his girlfriend of 6 months. I was his wife, for god-sakes!
Oh, I was pissed.
And ever since then, I feel like they don�t respect me. Oh sure, I muddied the Norwegian blood line when I made Jackie with Shayne and I was definitely not good enough for their son. Even so, they love Jackie in their own way. But still, I muddied the blood line with my mutt blood.
Surely, that logging accident played a part in his personality change.
But he was a butthole before the head injury if I think about it. He did all the evil stuff before the head injury. All the cheating, lying and scandalizing was done when he was in full possession of his capabilities.
What it all comes down to is: He�s just not the same. Sometimes it�s painful to see that.
I think about Kevin a lot too. He survived malaria or African sleeping sickness or some other brain disease that he got from a mosquito bite. He contracted that when his ship docked in Africa.
He�s slowly returning to his old self, but I have a feeling that he�ll never be the same.
The spark that I loved in Kevin has been extinguished.
By a mosquito bite.
It isn�t fair.
10:16 am - December 03, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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