Life has been crazy lately. Hell, I've had better days. I've also had worse.
Right now I'm thanking God that my doctor reduced my dosage of that medicine, because it made me numb. I can't really think of a time I've cried in the past year up until this point. Yesterday, I was going up to Catherine's with the kids and right before I shut the car off, the song "I'll be missing you" by Puffy came on. I left the car on and I listened: "What a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you."
I started to cry. It's weird to cry when I'm not depressed, but that's what I used to do when I was depressed. I'd cry. I was just crying because of a memory. It's great to feel again.
There's other things going on, but I'll have respect for the privacy of those involved and not mention them. That's hard for me, since I tend to write everything here. But it's time to be an adult about it and be quiet.
To the family member in question:
Let me just say that I am who I am. You either like me or you don't. You want me around or you don't. But be an adult about it and tell me. They say blood is thicker than water. Maybe not. I always thought our relationship trascended any boundaries. I never put boundaries on our relationship, except one. I put that boundary there because some things are too painful for me to deal with. I can't deal. I want you to love me, but I want you to love yourself too. I only want what's best for those I love. My love and respect for you is real and genuine. You will always be extra special to me.
I'm not going to jump hoops for you. Relationships, even between family, is 50/50. I can't do all of it and you can't either. It has to be both of us. Now, if I'm not holding up my end of the bargain, tell me. But you have to hold up yours too.
I have a life of my own and my plate is full. However, even if I don't say so, there is always room for you. I don't see you enough, but I don't want to make your life any more complicated.
Don't have a romanticized idea of what relationships are supposed to be like. I'm not perfect. Don't do it. Don't hold me to some unrealistic standard and get mad when I don't meet your expectations. This is a new century, and people don't think like that anymore.
Accept me the way I am. I accept you in all your flaws because you are beautiful to me. You are God's creature, perfect in even all of your flaws.
Our bond is tight to me. Maybe not to you. I don't know why you question me. Our loved ones are supposed to love us anyway. I love you.
The question is: Do you love me the way I love you? Obviously not.
12:16 pm - October 18, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus