I had a long talk with my cousin Jackie last night, we talked for a good long while and it was wonderful. I love her very much and I want to be closer to her. I want to spend more time with her. I told her last night that our bond is very real, and it goes back to the days we used to walk to school together when we were 6 and 7.
You know, the day Renee and I were found, barely alive, Jackie walked by my house on the way to school. She had knocked, waiting for me to join her. And of course I never did. And she was disappointed that we weren�t going to walk to school together that day like we did every day. I thank God that Rod*ney Lin*coln didn�t answer that door and pull her in and hurt her the way he did my sister and me.
Our family would�ve never made it out alive. Losing my mom and almost losing Renee and me was enough, and they hardly came out of that. I don�t want to think about what could�ve happened to Jackie. God saved her.
Jackie is an awesome person. She had a hellacious upbringing with my aunt, who I think might have a brain tumor or at least multiple personalities, and a Dad who wasn�t her birth father but tried to be a Dad in spite of my aunt�s constant undermining.
My aunt got religion some years ago but the damage had already been done. And I think, as we talked about, that�s part of the reason Jackie doesn�t want to start a family. She�s afraid she�ll be a controlling monster like her mother was back then.
My aunt�she�s a good lady now. But she �says� that God took away all the memories of the bad things she did before she met him. Took away, or you forgot? Was it easier to forget and make blanket apologies for whatever mean and horrible things you did just to make yourself and other people feel better?
Jacq, I want you to know that you are beautiful. You are a wonderful person. The difference between you and most people is that you have the best intentions in your heart. Most people aren�t that good. I know only a few people like that.
A lot of my youth, I wanted to be just like you. You were everything I wanted to be and yet I could not. Now, I want to be me, but with some of your good qualities. I am, deep down, an insecure person with a lot of faults and a checkered past. I�ve done some bad things and I�ve made some bad choices. I was very na�ve about people, and that got me into trouble. I still don�t make the best choices in my relationships and I suffer for it.
Don�t be like me. Surround yourself with good uplifting people who will support you no matter what. Make sure they accept you for who you are. And make sure they are honest people too. Because you don�t want people telling you just what you want to hear. Who you associate with does reflect a lot on you. Your mom didn�t lie about that much.
I know that sometimes you might think you�re screwed up. I don�t think that about you, but I sometimes think it about myself, and it is the truth when it comes to me. You are not screwed up, even if you feel mixed up. Someday, everything will work out for you.
You mentioned going out. I�d love to! I haven�t been in months! Let�s go someplace hip and fun. Not a meat market. I hate those types of places. Some place with tables to eat and some music. I think you�d be great at Karaoke! Hee!
I have to mention that my little Jackie has been telling me lately that nobody likes her. I think it is because she�s painfully shy sometimes. I challenged her to come home once a week and tell me about a new friend she�s made at school. Not that they will be lifelong friends, but I want her to get used to meeting people and develop some people skills. I think I will challenge myself to do it too. I need some variety in my life.
Lately, I�ve come across 3 women I�d like to have in my life as friends. But when it comes to actually going to the next step and getting to know them, I freeze. Maybe I ought to do it. You know, bite the bullet. There are some good people out there who�d probably make great friends. It�s just that you have to get to know them, and I find that to be scary.
Maybe we could make some friends�and at the same time, become closer cousins.
10:01 am - October 19, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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