Hmm. I can�t keep my mind on my job; I feel bad about not being able to concentrate. I called the Victims Services unit yesterday and I found out the lady won�t be back until the 8th. Why can�t they call me each week? I hate calling down there, but I need to know what the hell is going on. This DNA review has caused me so much emotional pain that I know it�s going to take me a while to get over it. Rene� mentioned he has seen a marked change in my personality since I got the news. I�ve changed. Great. Out of fear. I think it�s because the review caused me to doubt myself as a witness, but when it all comes down to it, I know what I saw. I didn�t make this up in my mind. And magically, the man that killed my mom was one of the hundreds of potential perps and happened to be the only one that had killed someone before and had served time. What a coincidence!
I�m just ready for this fresh hell to be over. I�ve gained 25 pounds at least from a combination of Zyprexa and stress over this issue. My body has suffered. My job has suffered. No more suffering!
I don�t feel so fat today. I was pretty miserable yesterday, sorry if I dragged anyone down with my ramblings. I�m just a bit frustrated over the issue, but I will talk to my doctor about it. Maybe there�s something he can recommend. Thank you all for your kind comments and sympathetic ears.
I talked to Salsalita last night. It hurts me to see my newly wedded best buddy in so much pain. Her husband is a guy with a good heart, but he has problems with alcohol. It�s really affecting Lisa because he�s also pretty depressed, and that�s affecting her outlook too.
All I can do is listen. I�ve been known to give unsolicited advice, and I know that�s really annoying. I always have an opinion that I must share. In the end it is up to Lisa whether she stays with him or leaves for a while, and I�m just going to be here to support her. Because I love her! I wish I could take away her heartache, but I cannot. Only time will tell how this will all turn out. I just want her to know I�m here for her.
When you see a friend suffer, it breaks your heart. If you love them in the least bit, you have probably shed some tears of sadness and frustration for them. You can�t live their life for them, but you know that they have to make their own decisions. It just really sucks to see Lisa struggle emotionally like she is. When she cries, it makes me want to drive over and give him a piece of my mind.
I have realized in my time that life is too short to have an addiction run your life. I struggle with cigarettes every day, but I won�t get a ticket for driving while smoking. Cigarettes don�t make me loud and emotionally abusive, and cigarettes don�t make me say horrible mean things and they don�t make me throw fits and shove people around. Still, it�s an addiction that I must work to eradicate. I am proud to say that I�ve cut down to one a day while at work.
Anyway, Mr. Moody has some issues with anger, depression and alcohol and he doesn�t seem to notice that it�s affecting other people. That�s just a symptom of his disease. I just hope he realizes that he�s hurting himself and others too. I really do love him, but I know after watching them that I couldn�t live with an alcoholic. I see Lisa being hurt and upset and I know that the bottle is his other woman. The bottle is what he puts first.
Now I wonder if that�s what it would be like for Rene and me�.
The gym is the other woman. Nothing gets in the way of him going to the gym unless it�s REALLY important.
Maybe I�ll just stay by myself for a while longer.
Er. Uh. Yeah, seems like a good idea.
Aleve Cold and Sinus is the bomb! You must buy some because it lasts 8 hours. All the other medicine I take wears off in the middle of the night and I sleep badly because I can�t breathe through my nose. I end up taking off my sleep mask, and I wake up irritated and crabby.
My sister Melinda called and asked suspiciously who�s sick in our house. I told her no one because I suspect my problem is more allergies, it�s just that the Allegra is not helping. Anyway, Melinda has sore throat, sneezing, itchy nose, achiness and general malaise. She has no energy. Well, hon, all that visiting you did while here exposed you to tons of germs! Plus, you flew (they say 1 in 4 people gets a cold after flying, probably due to close proximity to other passengers), you hung out at the airport, and you went bowling. Oh, germs abound!! The possibilities are staggering. Yuck.
I miss Melinda. And yet I�m happy that she spent time with me, and I�m glad she went back home feeling renewed also. It seems, after watching her, that being a witch (or Wiccan, I�m not sure) is hard work and I don�t have the energy for that sort of religion. Always having to say special prayers and revoke bad juju seems like an exhausting way to live to me.
I�m also thinking about the Episcopal Church. They never emailed me back, and I�m embarrassed to show up there just in case they did see my email of desperation. So there�s a Lutheran church down the street, and they come with good recommendations (my work friend Matt said they�re awesome) so maybe I�ll mosey on down and see what time their services start.
Nothing can be as bad as the 3-hour services at the Mormon Church. Let�s not forget Relief Society meetings, General Conference, various callings (jobs) that you pretty much have to do, Fast Sunday (where you can�t eat and contribute the money you would�ve spent on your meal to the church), not to mention all the guilt to be a perfect Mormon and perfect family. What an exhausting religion. I can�t hang. Call me a wimp if you want.
I grew up among Pentecostals too. Wonderful people. Nice people. However it seems like a lot of them love nothing more than to mention a person�s dreaded �unsavedness�, and the fact that they�re headed for eternal bathing in the lake of fire. That pretty much extends to anyone not Pentecostal.
Oh, and the services can go on forever. I remember spending 4 hours sometimes. In the beginning of the service you sing about 5 songs. Then, the preacher says his sermon. And then you�re invited to testify (which is faith affirming). Then, all the sinners and saved are invited down to the front. And that�s about an hour of praying in a rather excited state. Jumping up and down, speaking in tongues, running, near fainting. All the while, I�d be sitting in a pew cleaning out my purse or writing notes to my friends. I�d rather do my praying in private, where it wasn�t a performance for everyone else, just my own personal conversation with God. I guess some might�ve felt it was disrespectful, but I always felt my behaviors and beliefs were between God and me. I didn�t buy into the hellfire and brimstone wrathful God, so I felt I could be granted some leeway.
I had 4 Pentecostal preachers as Uncles in Tennessee. I knew that in their eyes an obedient woman wears modest clothing, dresses and skirt only, doesn�t cut her hair, doesn�t do jezebel makeup, doesn�t go swimming with the opposite sex. No rated R movies, even for adults. The list goes on and on. God knows they�re good people. I just never fit in. I liked my jeans and someday I even planned to wear a little makeup. I didn�t feel like that would make me a bad person. I don�t know. There was just a lot of pressure to look and act Pentecostal, and I couldn�t do it. I felt like I was deceiving others and myself.
There was Sunday Morning service (a few hours), Sunday evening service (3 hours), Wednesday night service (agonizingly long), Friday Youth Service, and let�s not forget Vacation Bible Camp in the mountains of Tennessee. Hundreds of kids descended upon that camp every year for it seemed, a month or so. It was fun, but also an eye opener. Yep, I saw the saved kids, and I saw kids like myself that felt stuck and hated it.
It seems that the religions I am repelled from have one thing in common: the pressure to conform. I�ve never felt good about myself when I�ve folded and tried to be like everyone else. I like �religion-lite�. I like to focus on spirituality instead of pleasing other people that are no better than myself. I like to focus on doing good for the less fortunate instead of jumping through hoops for clergy. I like to focus on keeping my loving positive view of God instead of fearing God. I think most of my life has been about feeling not good enough, and I�m determined not to live the rest of my life that way. Strict religion is for some people, but not for me.
I can�t hack it. Sigh. I�m not cutting down anyone�s religion; I�m just saying I can�t hang.
09:20 - Wednesday, Jan. 07, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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