Depressing entry follows:
I�m getting so fat. No girls, really, I ain�t no twig to begin with. But this medicine, Zyprexa, is making me want to eat everything in sight. Things not in sight. Things I�d have to go and make a special trip for. Things I never wanted before.
This is embarrassing. Every day I put on my jeans and I just want to cry. I can feel myself growing larger day by day. I hate it. I want to ask my doctor to take me off the medicine, but I�m sure he won�t. I can�t afford to get any fatter. As it is I�m sure I�m a major health risk now for diabetes.
I�m getting so stressed out. When people haven�t seen me in a couple of months I can see in their eyes that they are distressed at my size. I�ve put on about 25 pounds rapidly.
Worse, I think back to my size 8 days and long for it. Life was so much easier in a few ways. I had energy. I had zest. I had a life. Now, men don�t even really look at me anymore. Hell, a lot of people don�t even look me in the eye. Worse, I don�t look in the mirror when I pass by one anymore. I�m so grossed out at the way I look.
People are starting to make fun of me now to my face. I went bowling with my daughter and when I went to the snack bar to get some fries for Jackie, these little turds sitting at the table behind me starting telling �fat jokes� really loudly. I wanted to turn around and tell them that what goes around comes around, but then I�d just be another angry fat lady.
I�m so desperate. I feel like I�m trapped in this body. Can you believe the thought of binging and purging actually crossed my mind yesterday? I�ve never done that before. Never. I can�t believe I actually considered sticking my finger down my throat, but I did.
I think I might join the YMCA. It�s expensive but there are activities for Jackie to do there. I guess I can stop spending my money on food and spend it on a membership.
I�m so ashamed of my body now. It�s betraying me. Foods I never thought interesting before have become my obsession. I hit an all time low the other day. I ate two-foot long subway sandwiches. Jackie didn�t want hers, so I ate it.
I know my obsession with food has a lot to do with my emotional pain. I think of the things that are just eating at me and I want to eat until the pain goes away. I�m going to have to make a major lifestyle change to lose this weight. I�m just sad that I�ve gotten so big. It�s going to be hard to lose it.
The spicy girl who wore a size 8 in Levi�s doesn�t even seem like me anymore. I don�t have to ever be an 8 again, but I�d like to lose this weight. I�m so overwhelmed and I don�t even know where to start. Sniffle. This sucks.
11:26 - Tuesday, Jan. 06, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus