Yesterday, I recieved another letter that says, "Not responsible for material mailed from a penal institution". I have to admit, I snickered.
So here's the letter I wrote back to my Dad.
08 January 04
Hi Dad,
I got your letter yesterday. I was having a really bad day before I got home and found your letter in the mailbox. It was just what I needed to put everything back in perspective.
You�re right about the old saying, �No one knows the trouble I�ve seen�. You said it was an old slave saying. Wow. It�s such a powerful statement. It�s not asking for pity, or sympathy, it�s just a statement about the kind of person you are. It�s a statement that might cause one to take a step back and evaluate you from that perspective. I guess I feel I�ve been harshly judged more than a few times. I�m sure you know about that too. And maybe sometimes I deserved what was said, often times, it was unfair, and I did not deserve such a judgment. I�ve been known to tell people to walk a day in my shoes. This life is not for the faint of heart, that�s for sure. I guess what I have a hard time with is the fact that life is not fair. Why the heck not? Does everything have to stink?
Dad, I made some decisions in the New Year. I decided that I was not going to spend the rest of my life being unhappy. I also decided that I don�t want to be fat anymore. My weight is a direct product of the emotional baggage I�ve toted around all of these years. My fat is a barrier between the world and me. Maybe subconsciously I put on weight to keep people from noticing me. If people didn�t notice me, then maybe they wouldn�t hurt me, I�d think. When I was thin, I attracted all sorts of weirdo�s (my ex-husband included) and it was a bit uncomfortable. When you�re thin, and attractive, and curvaceous, it�s hard to believe anyone would be interested in you for your mind. I thought I was a pretty decent conversationalist, so that bothered me, being seen as an object.
So, I�m going to start walking again, for my health.
You said a lot of things in your letter that were comforting and true. Thanks for your kindness. I sometimes tell Jackie that if she could see herself through my eyes, she�d never doubt herself. I think that�s the way you feel about your kids, isn�t it Dad? Our parents, if they truly love us, see us in our purest form, imperfections and all.
I know I have a lot to live for. Jackie is the very best reason for me to go on living my life. There are other folks too, like you and my siblings. I think that knowing I have the support and love of my family helps. Sometimes, I guess, the weariness gets to me. I just get tired of living sometimes. I feel like I�m 50 years old and I�m only 29. But I�m on medicine now, and it�s helping a lot. Yeah, the side effects stink, but I�ve been brought back to reality. I�m not so paranoid anymore.
Joey called me this week. I felt very bad because I was so tired and doped up (on my medicine) that I was speaking pretty slow and I�m almost certain that some things I said didn�t make sense. I just mailed him a letter this morning, giving him my whole life story and all that, just so he won�t get confused. I sent him a few pictures too. I can�t wait to get to know my brothers. You wouldn�t happen to have Ronnie�s address would you?
Dad, what can you receive in the mail in there? Can I send you books or stamps?
Please let me know if there�s something you need and I�ll try my best to get it for you.
Thanks for the addresses of my siblings. I do plan to write them a lot. I�m better at writing than talking anyway. How about you?
I hope you get out soon Dad. I hope that someday soon you�ll find yourself living your life happily again, free as a bird. I know married life with J didn�t really appeal to you. It�s pretty hard I guess to be your age and taking on a wife and kids that are old enough to get on your nerves because they don�t respect you. Sometimes, I think some of us Tate�s are destined to walk alone. Look at you, Renee and me. We�re pretty hard to live with. We like our freedom too. We�d just as well be by ourselves twiddling our thumbs than be with someone that�s too needy! Ain�t that the truth?
Well, talk to you soon,
Love,
M
13:53 - Thursday, Jan. 08, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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