There�s been a lot of confusion on the home front this week, plus a few mini-disasters and some near misses. If I had a video camera I could�ve done an award winning docudrama.
My sister and I had been having these spats and misunderstandings. Do I know why? Nope. I just know everything she was saying was really irritating the crap out of me.
And when you get irritated with people over little things, how do you feel? Like crap. Like a heel. I felt like a heel.
I felt very small. This big.
I talked it over with her. I told her she was irking me, but I didn�t know why. I told her I was saddened that the first time we see each other in 3 years, that we spend the week arguing.
I told her that I knew how important doing certain things on this visit was. I told her I knew how expensive it was for them to come, and I appreciated her and Ricky being here. I felt awful. I�m just not a good host and tour guide.
I think part of it is because I was spending too much money. I don�t get paid until the 10th and I have $120.00 left. I haven�t even gone grocery shopping yet and my gas tank is almost on E.
I know when you go on vacation you�re likely to splurge a bit. Somehow I felt pressure to splurge too.
My sister is a spiritualist. She burns certain candles for protection. Only a few shops in St. Louis sell those kinds of candles. Since she hasn�t lived here in some time, of course the shops were no longer where they used to be when we went there. I must also mention these shops are in the rather unsavory neighborhoods, which made me instantly tense. Then, we can�t find the candles, which I knew would make her upset, so I get upset. Then, we decide to try K-Mart. I sit and stew in the car while she runs inside. She comes out, and she doesn�t have any candles in her hand. I�m upset. Once she�s in the car, I go to start my 2000 Chevy Prism and it doesn�t turn over. My car won�t start, so now I�m positively quaking with frustration.
Finally, a nice guy gives us a jump. I decide it�s important to go to Easton Tire so that they could run a systems check on my car. We drive to have this done, and in 15 minutes I find out that my battery, alternator, starter, etc all check out fine.
Melinda thinks that something is trying to tell us to stay home. So, we go home. I�m upset now; because we have a weekend chocked full of plans and this will put us BEHIND. I hate being behind. I hate to rush, and I hate having weekends where I don�t feel like I�ve rested at all.
I tell Mindy that we have to do laundry Saturday morning because I have nothing to wear. After that, we�ll go see Grandma, I tell her. During the week I told Grandma that we�d be out to see her in the AFTER-noon. I thought we�d made plans to go bowling later in the day.
Saturday morning we get up and get dressed. We run to Dollar General to buy Downy Fabric Softener. Then we go to the ATM. Then, we go do laundry. Together we had 7 loads, so that is going to take a while.
We get home from doing laundry, and I�m irritated because Mindy�s mentioned about 8 times that it�s 1:30 or so in the� afternoon. I couldn�t figure out why it mattered because we were going to see Grandma and then we were going to go bowling when we got back that evening. I thought we had plenty of time.
I didn�t know that Melinda and Grandma thought we were going to go see Grandma at�.noon. I didn�t know Melinda planned to go bowling in the�after-noon.
It quickly became apparent that�s what she thought because we rushed to White Castle and then we rushed to Grandma�s. On the way back from Grandma�s, Melinda made a comment that all she cared about was taking her husband bowling so he could relax. I was like, okay, if that�s what you want. I felt like he�d get more relief spending the afternoon away from the both of us at a bar. The poor guy. I knew the spatting was driving him nuts.
I didn�t do the talking on the phone this week to Grandma or to Mindy�s friend Jenee, but obviously I was the one who wasn�t listening.
Mindy�s nagging me because I haven�t confirmed with Rene� that he�s taking them to the airport on the morning of the 2nd. I knew he would, but REALLY I didn�t have time to call anyone.
That�s what irritated me; there wasn�t any down time.
We went bowling, which was a lot of fun. I wasn�t going to go because truthfully, I was exhausted. But I realized that I never see my sister, and how often did I get a chance to do something with her? So, we went and we had a good time.
That was about the time when I realized I was acting like a big ape. Like a moron. Like a child. I decided that the rest of my sister�s visit was going to be fun and something to remember.
So, after we went bowling, we spent the rest of the evening talking while Jackie watched �Shallow Hal�.
Sunday, I was a bit tense. Cinders and I have suffered some tense moments too as of late, and I wasn�t really looking forward to going over to her house. It was our Christmas, I know. However, it made me a bit reluctant to go when I remembered some of her sarcastic comments she�d been making lately.
I got up and got dressed and put my face on. I let Jackie sleep a while and I got the presents for Cinders, Granny Great, Aunt Ruth and Maggie together and took them out to the car. I stuck them in the trunk.
Finally, I got Jackie up, made sure she was looking cute and adorable. She ate oatmeal while I sat at the table and talked over the days plans with my sister.
Melinda was sitting at the table lamenting, while smoking a cigarette, that her friend Jenee was going to have to come get her and Ricky. I felt bad, but there was no way I�d have time to drive over to Chippewa to Jenee�s and then drive back to Florissant. Florissant, by back roads, is about an hour from my house. I just didn�t have time.
I guess Mindy worked it out though, because Uncle Larry came by and took Mindy and Rick to Jenee�s house.
The roads to Florissant are rife with construction, so I get a bit irritated on the way there. If you get lost, you can end up in a real bad neighborhood really quick. It�s not good. So, I really have to pay attention to everything. Which gives me a headache.
I arrive at Cinders with Jackie in tow and a headache banging inside my sinuses. I wasn�t really in a good mood at all.
I tried to cheer up though by playing with Jackie and by sitting in the living room in front of the Christmas tree. I wasn�t being sociable, but then, all my adopted kin where watching a football game anyway.
What I wasn�t ready for was to see my ex-best friend Summer walk through the front door. I thought I might feel really weird because she�s been really frosty to me for the past 10 years.
Why?
Because, once upon a time, I had a boyfriend for 3 � years. I had a best friend named Summer Hailstorm for 4 years. I loved Summer immensely because she�d been there for me through some of the hardest years. Hell, her mom almost adopted me.
Said boyfriend was a pig. He was a really charismatic guy, even though he wasn�t really that good looking. He could snow you like that. He could pretty much talk you out of your pants before you knew it.
I didn�t know it, but he snowed her too. He made a bunch of promises to her and pretty much convinced her that I would not be offended if they started going out. That I�d get over it really quick if they became an item.
Which was so not the case. One stormy night, I confronted my best friend and my boyfriend because they�d been sneaking around together and hadn�t told me. We�d always spend time together, me, Maggs, Summer and Nick. I thought nothing of him taking them places because they�d always tell me if they were doing so.
But the few months before, Summer and Nick had been spending a lot of time together and they were both acting funny.
So, I confronted them, and they sort of admitted it, and I blew up. I was pretty heartbroken about it. I told them both that I needed neither one of them and to do me a favor and get the hell out of my life.
What I have felt bad about for the last ten years is, the fact that I said things about her that I knew weren�t true. Mean, cruel, harsh things. This girl was a virgin. She was waiting until she got married. I think she really thought Nick loved her and would wait for her to be ready for sex.
Nick made sure that didn�t happen though. Before a year was out, he�d taken her virginity; during alcoholic rages he smacked her around and generally mentally abused her. I told her that he was a jealous controlling guy and she didn�t hear me out. I guess she felt like I was speaking from a place of anger.
It was true though.
I don�t regret being mad at her. She does hold some of the responsibility. She did betray my friendship. I do feel bad about the way it ended. We could�ve talked it over, to see if our friendship was worth salvaging (I think it was) but I didn�t give her that chance. A guy came between my best friend and me. My guy.
I just ejected both of them from my life.
And now, ten years or so later, I see her again. She graciously thanks me for the card I sent when her mother died. My heart flips, because I know what it�s like to live without your mom. It really sucks. I sent the card to let her know I was thinking about her.
I�ve seen Summer off and on for years, but I didn�t really register on her radar. It came across as a deliberate act of indifference and it hurt me badly. And this time I see her, and she smiles, I realized I�ve missed that smile, and my heart swells because it�s been a decade since I�ve seen that smile. I have always loved her. I have always missed her.
She had a terrible lapse in judgment and paid dearly for it. She lost a friend because of a guy who spoke pig Latin.
It was a really healing experience to sit and talk with her. I have her address so I believe I�m going to write her a letter.
I leave after we open presents (I got some really nifty gifts) and I give Summer a hug. A big hug. A hug like we used to.
She smells the way she used to, like fancy shampoo.
I leave high as a kite. I get almost all the way home and realize I left my purse. Now I�m going to get frantic, because my bi-polar medicine is in it. I call Mr. Sweatpants and ask him to drive me back out there to get it because I have crappy night vision.
He agrees. God bless that man. I fill him in on everything on the way there. He squeezes my hand a lot.
Once I got my purse and I�m back home, Melinda and Rick come home too. I sit Mindy down and talk to her about my feelings and the way things have been the last few days. And then I cry because I feel really bad for making Mindy feel like she�s not welcome. I know how that feels and feel bad for doing that to her. Of course, she mother-hens me and tells me all is well and forgiven.
I go to bed feeling relieved somehow.
Yay.
10:33 - Monday, Dec. 29, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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