Christmas was very nice. We went to honey-baked ham to get a Christmas dinner. Yep, it was expensive but we got turkey, ham and fixin�s. Yummy. Ooh, and a German chocolate cake. Cake doesn�t stand a chance in my house.
My sister got me some lavender aromatherapy products, which she swears are cleansing and protecting. I got my sister some lavender aromatherapy products. Isn�t that funny?
I got Ricky some cologne and gave me money to buy a memory card for his new X-Box.
Jackie made out. She was very happy with everything I got her.
I also took my sister over to see her friend Jeannie. Jeannie is sick (I can�t remember) and wanted to see Melinda before she passed on. So, we went over to see her. Oh my god, they have the cutest dogs. They have 3 mini-pinschers. Adorable! Jackie seemed to be in love with this pug-lab puppy. It just lay there in her arms. That�s the kind of dog Jackie needs.
I�m so happy my sister is here. I really missed her! When I left Florida, I left on bad terms with her, which is my fault. I guess it was because I was frustrated that when she lived with me I felt she was never happy. She was, but she had a lot on her mind. I didn�t see that then. I was mainly thinking about myself and the stress of being a single parent. I left Florida because I was miserable there. I just wish I hadn�t left my sister in Florida until I knew for sure she was okay.
So, as I felt my time drawing near, I shut her out. I think we both harbored hurt feelings for a long time. I feel bad for that, because my sister has been there for me all of my life. I mean, all of it. Whenever I asked, whenever I needed her she was always there in any way she could be. I guess we hurt the ones we love most right? Yeah, but it still doesn�t make it right.
Ricky is such a gift to us. I remember when Shayne first introduced me to Ricky, Ronnie and David back in 1996. They were his closest buddies from the ship. I took to them right away. Ronnie was in his late twenties, about 6�3 with brown hair and green (?) eyes. Very cute. Ricky was early twenties, with Puerto Rican features. He has the disposition of Yogi Bear. And then there was David, a small guy with big personality, but he couldn�t find a girlfriend for anything. Poor David.
Kevin also starting coming around when Shayne told him he thought he might really like me. I guess we had a lot of the same traits, or a lot in common, I hit it off with Kevin.
We became twins. So, what if he�s black and I�m white. We called ourselves �Ebony and Ivory�. Ha.
I guess I was one of the guys even though I was pregnant with Jackie. I heard all the stuff typically reserved for a group of sailors. What I really liked about the guys was that none of them were racist, and they all seemed to have open minds. Everyone knew Kevin was gay, and yet you saw none of that puffed-up, chest beating, �I�m STRAIGHT� behavior from any of the guys.
We were all really close for about a year. We were together every weekend and often on the holidays, unless the guys went home on leave. We went to the park, sightseeing, to the movies, to parties and spent some evening�s home at Ronnie�s watching movies.
Then, I noticed the guys weren�t coming around as much, and that they were acting kind of funny. It was really frustrating because I could feel tension between Shayne and the guys but I didn�t know why. I remember Ronnie and Ricky being mad at Shayne a lot.
Then of course, I did find out. Shayne and I had been having some weird conversations the last month or so. He was indicating he didn�t want to be married anymore, that it was more than he bargained for, that he was not able to be responsible enough for Jackie.
I was really hurt when he came out and told me this. I was still mad because a month or so before, Jackie had gotten violently sick from a spider bite and I had to take her to the hospital. Shayne�s ship was dry-docked in Virginia and he was living in the barracks. He had his own personal phone line, so I left him multiple messages over two days, crying because Jackie was so sick and that I was overwhelmed. I left messages asking him to petition his command for emergency leave so that he could come home and help me.
He never returned my calls. And even though Shayne insisted he was out, his roommate picked up the phone the 4th time I called and told me he was home in Jacksonville for the weekend.
I was livid. This kind of stuff had been happening a lot in the past few months. Shayne was spending more time at Ronnie�s on the weekend, and he was never home.
Meanwhile, I�m working two-twelve hour days, one day off, two-twelve hour night shifts on a rotating basis. I was exhausted. Not to mention I had to PT at the crack of dawn 4 days a week (no matter if I�d worked all night or not) and then I was trying to raise a baby. Jackie was about a year old at this point.
I�d also started to become suspicious of Ronnie�s roommate Michelle. I wouldn�t have been under normal circumstances because she literally had a face like a bulldog and she was built like a man. When I first met her, she was really nice. She happened to be over one day when Shayne and I had gotten into it, and she sat outside and talked to me for a long while. I remember she told me that it wasn�t fair, the way he was treating me, and that I should just get divorced and move on. I really thought she was a new friend.
Many times I�d seen her when I went out to Ronnie�s and we�d go on food runs together, we�d cook together, sometimes we�d just sit and talk. I trusted Shayne around her because 1) he was my husband and 2) she was butt ugly.
Lately though, she�d been acting funny around me. Shayne, when we were all together, didn�t seem to want us talking to each other and would find ways to distract either Michelle or me.
I thought that maybe he was just trying to tell me something about her by telling me that I shouldn�t believe anything she said, so I just distanced myself.
One Saturday, Ronnie, Shayne, Ricky and I were sitting in the living room. There was some Billy Crystal movie on TV. Jackie was sleeping in her crib. I was leafing through one of my photo albums, and Shayne was sitting next to me talking to Ronnie.
Shayne, as usual, was bragging about his you-know. They went back and forth making fun of each other and it escalated. Neither guy could back down.
All of the sudden, Ronnie says, quite naturally, �That�s your problem Shayne. You can�t keep it in your pants. That�s why Michelle got pregnant.�
Unnatural silence. It took me a moment. Finally, it all became very clear. I thought, �My name isn�t Michelle.� I knew he�d been messing around.
Shayne sputtered, �I was drunk! I was drunk!� but I didn�t care, I started whacking him with the photo album in my hands. When that wasn�t enough, I picked up the television. Ricky rose like Lazarus and stood in front of me.
I remember now that I found a purple thong in Shayne�s coat a month or so ago when I was in the drive through at McDonald�s. I remembered reaching into Shayne�s new leather coat (I was wearing it) for some cash and pulling out that thong in front of my friend Christie. I remember being so embarrassed and mad that I put the thong in Shayne�s bag of fries so that he could be just as embarrassed. When he opened that bag of fries and pulled out those drawers, he insisted that someone had played a trick on him. Now I know that Michelle had put them there.
I�m remembering the humiliation of the other times he cheated while out to sea and promised to not do it anymore.
�Missy, put down the television. You don�t want to do that,� Rick was saying and all the while I�m screaming at Shayne. About that time there was a knock at the front door. It was my next-door neighbor Tina.
�Missy, do you want me to call the police?� She sounded very worried.
�No, but maybe you�d like to call an ambulance for Shayne,� I said through gritted teeth.
Finally, Ricky took the television away from me, very gently.
I was devastated. �Why? Why? Why, Shayne?�
The utter pain and hurt was like a knife in my heart. I cried because I was hurt, I cried because my baby�s father and my husband didn�t want to dedicate his life to either of us anymore. I was crying and sobbing and snotting all over the place.
Shayne just stood there in front of me, blinking stupidly. The three times he�d cheated before, I knew there was some level of intimacy involved, but he promised not to do it again. This time, he went all the way with the girl and the proof was a pregnancy.
�How many times, Shayne?� I demanded.
�Well, it started out as once, but then she manipulated me into many times. She threatened to tell you if I didn�t.� Oh, come on now! Yes, she made you do the nasty with her! Right.
Ronnie dragged me out the front door and took me for a ride. �Missy, he told me you knew about Michelle and that you were okay with it.� He stared at me. �I feel so bad Missy. I thought you knew he was dating Michelle. He told me that you and he agreed to separate.�
�I didn�t agree to anything. So, how long has this been going on?� I could feel my heart breaking into tiny pieces. Ronnie grabbed my hand.
�Missy, it�s been about 4 months. I�m so sorry.�
We stayed gone for a while. When we came back, Shayne was sitting in a chair in the middle of the carport, and Ricky was pacing around it like a vulture. Shayne did not look happy. I found out later that Ricky had had enough and had been reaming him for lying to them and enlisting them to lie for him under duress.
You know, eventually, I got over it. But I look back over the years and I see that Ricky and Ronnie and Kevin were always there for me in my bad times, and that�s probably why my depression wasn�t that bad during my Navy years. I always had friends.
My friendship with Ricky grew because eventually he met my sister Melinda and they married after I left Florida. I knew that my friend, Ricky, who�d never put a move on me and had always helped me with Jackie, would be extra good to my sister.
I couldn�t have picked a better man for her. Finally, she�s with someone who won�t hit her or hurt her, who won�t control her by not giving her money or not letting her leave the house. No mental abuse, no emotional turmoil, no harm.
I knew Kevin would always be special to me. When I was sick in my pregnancy, Kevin would come over 4 days a week and clean and cook and do my laundry while I slept. He never asked for anything back, which is one of the reasons I made him Jackie�s godfather.
Later, when Kevin�s new ship went to Africa, he got encephalitis and almost died. I hadn�t heard from him in a while and was worried. I didn�t know he�d gotten sick.
I was standing in the Navy convenience store, shopping for sphaghettio�s, and I feel eyes on me. I look over, and there Kevin is. Only, he looks confused.
Finally, a light comes on. �Missy?�
�Oh, my God, Kevin!! I cried and hugged him, but when I pulled back to look at him, I knew something was wrong. The light in his eyes was gone.
�Kevin, what has happened to you?� He put his hand on his cheek, and scratched his temple. �I got bit by a mos-ki-to. I got en..encepha..encephalitis.� He stammered. �I�m on limited duty now.� The Navy wasn�t sure what to do with him.
I was so sick that I cried right there. I pulled him close to me and I held him. �I�m so sorry Kevin�.
He wasn�t the same anymore. I found out that when he got sick with the encephalitis that he was in a coma for a while. And when he came out of the coma, he could hardly walk and had to relearn putting on his clothes over again.
Later that week he came over to see Jackie. I�d called Ronnie and Ricky and Shayne so they were there. Only, they didn�t know how to take it. Kevin wasn�t the same anymore; it was heartbreaking. He was now very deliberate and slow about his speech.
He�s gotten better over the years. He�s now in Med School in Tennessee and he�s learned to cope with and overcome some of his symptoms. Still, he suffers depression from not being the
sharp-witted, comical genius he used to be. He gets really down when he remembers his Navy career and the fact that it was cut short because of something he had no control over.
And then, there�s Ronnie, well, we don�t talk anymore. He�s moved on with his life. But I know that he�d be here for me if he could. I still adore him. I had a crush on Ronnie, you know. Even after Shayne and I divorced and Ronnie and Ricky still came around, both of them respected me. Neither of them put moves on me. Even though I wanted Ronnie to sometimes, our friendship was too special to do that.
Even though Shayne hated it, those two were always at my house on the weekend if they were in port. I never had to be lonely. I had Kevin, Belinda, Silvia, Ronnie, Ricky and David. I thank God for those sorts of friends. Friends who did for you and were there for you in your darkest times.
Friends who did for your daughter too.
When I came back to St. Louis, I missed all of that. I didn�t meet Lisa until I�d been here a year and a half. I thank God for her. I measure my friendships against Ronnie and Ricky. And that�s what kind of friend Lisa is. She�s there for you in your best and worst times. I love her for that.
And now my sister Melinda has been married to my best buddy Rick for three years, and she�s deliriously happy. She admits they�ve had their ups and downs, but Ricky loves and accepts her for who she is. We all know how rare and beautiful that is.
It feels like the visit has been a healing thing for me. I reconnected with my Navy past, and got so see my sister. I�ve laughed so hard in the past few days I thought I�d lose bladder control. I guess I needed this more than I knew.
09:30 - Friday, Dec. 26, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus