29 December, 2003
Summer,
You don�t know how glad I was to see you on Sunday. It made my week. You might not know it but seeing you reminded me of something. It reminded me of some of the happier times in my life. I appreciate what you did for me. You saved me quite a few times.
Those happy times with you all those years ago were precious to me, and I treasured them. I didn�t have many bright spots in my life when I was that young, but you were one of them. You were a ball of energy and I couldn�t be crabby or down with you around. It was so much fun to be with you and Maggie.
I don�t have many regrets in my life, however, you are one of them. What I mean is, if I could go back and do it over, I�d never have called you those terrible names or said those ugly things to you so many years ago. You didn�t deserve that. The kind of friendship we had would�ve merited some major understanding on my part, but instead, I saw you as an enemy and treated you as such.
I don�t know if you know it, but I�m bipolar. I have been since early adolescence. But now that I know I have it, it explains a lot. People that are bipolar are difficult to love because they can be paranoid, prickly and suspicious. They are also pretty moody and hard to figure out. I�ve lost a few friends because of this illness. When I look back through my life, when I was manic I did things that I�d regret, like losing my temper or saying something really mean and hateful because I was upset. When I was depressed I didn�t care about anything, and I mean, anything. Unfortunately, another side affect is memory loss. Sometimes my brain won�t let me remember what it deems traumatic. So, I guess I�m trying to explain that I don�t remember exactly what I said to you to hurt you, only that I remember knowing that what I was saying wasn�t true.
You are a wonderful person, Summer. And even though I hurt you I hope that someday you�ll remember me with a bit of same love and fondness I had for you. I know it�s a lot to ask.
I�ve had some friendships since then. However, when I look back through my life, I see two friendships that helped me carve out my definition of friends. You and Maggie were the closest I ever came to best friends. I measure all of my newer ones against yours. I have other types of friendships, but the ones I prize are the true-blue friendships. The kind where that person will be there for you in good and bad times. Don�t you remember sharing Taco Bell? Those were the best tacos ever because we shared them.
We may have outgrown each other a long time ago, Summer, and we may be different people now, but I still love and cherish you and I always have. Even if you do not feel the same for me, I hope you�ll remember that I was a sad, sad, hopeless kid back then who forgot herself and the people who helped her along. Not everyone is like me. Not everyone forgets where they came from, and not everyone takes out their fear and anger on people who don�t deserve it.
If anything, I learned to never let a man come between me and my friends. In the end, it�s the girlfriend that is there for you when all else have left.
I learned to really enjoy the times you have with those you love, because you never know how long they�ll be around. I�ve also learned to nurture my friendships and be more communicative to my loved ones so that we always know how we feel.
I�ve learned a lot, but I guess what I really wanted to convey to you is that I�m deeply sorry for having hurt you. Maybe you�ve long since forgotten it, but it�s burned a hole in my memory and I�ve carried it on my conscious for a long time. I want you to know that to me, it�s over. I don�t carry a grudge over the whole thing, but I would understand if you are still wary of me. After all, I treated you unkindly.
I�m glad to see you�ve carved out a life for yourself. You seem truly happy, in spite of everything with your mom passing, and you deserve every bit of joy, happiness and peace that you get. A life without your mom is sometimes very hard. No one will ever take her place. There will never be another like her. Even though in your own way, you might do some of the same things she did, there will never be another Nova, Summer�s mother. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I know how difficult life can be without a mom. Sometimes I wonder if I�m always going to be wandering, looking for some guidance. I remember crying a bit when I found out you�d lost your mom. I was saddened for you.
Well, it�s been many moons since that horrible day when I acted like a jerk and you went from being my friend to someone who didn�t care for me anymore. Seeing you brought it back some. But I wanted to let you know that it�s still fresh for me. I haven�t forgotten why we stopped being friends. I don�t put the blame on you, I put it on me. Nothing was worth losing you.
Well, this was long and drawn out, but I wanted to convey my feelings in a way you�d understand. You don�t have to call or write; this is not an attempt to rekindle our old relationship. This letter contains feelings I felt you should know. Because you deserve to know the truth, because you deserve a lot of things. I just wanted you to know, that I�m sorry. So sorry.
I wish nothing but happiness and prosperity for you and your hubby. Blessings to you and your family.
Always,
Missy
14:17 - Monday, Dec. 29, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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