I want to move to Kansas so bad. Part of me didn�t want to come back I tell you. I think that�s why I was depressed yesterday.
I can�t tell you how desperately I want to leave St. Louis behind and start over. I like Kansas. It�s pretty and Leavenworth has a good economy. There�s lots of money to be made and lots of colleges too. I could even take online classes.
It will never be a perfect time, but I�d love to move there and go to school to get my BA in Criminal Justice. I wouldn�t live there forever, maybe, 4 years or so. Long enough to go to college and be around family who�ll help me with Jackie.
I have to beat this depression now. I need to be stabilized before I go making any big decisions or moving away. I feel like I�m suffocating in St. Louis. I�m really starting to hate my life, my job. I�m burnt out and tired. I�m bored.
This DNA crap has been wearing me down. I don�t want to think about it every day anymore. Here, I can�t escape the memory of what happened.
I badly want to get better. I want to be able to be organized and to be able to think clearly. When I�m manic, I can reason, and think through things. However, it comes with a heavy price. If I�m manic, I�m irritable and excitable and very likely to lose my temper with someone or something. I become really argumentative and mean. That�s not me.
I�m tired of being tired. This medicine is really helping me stabilize, but the side effects really stink. In fact, I�m putting on weight like crazy. I�m too tired to exercise it off. I just had a cup of coffee and it�s not making a bit of difference. I took a Vivarin at 11:45 and I don�t feel anything.
I�m trying not to change and yet I think because of the medicine I am. I�m not interested in going out dancing anymore or even meeting someone of the opposite sex. I could care less that I�m living such a boring life because I�m too tired to socialize with other people.
Darn.
Jackie wants a dog. I want to get her one. I�m so tired though I�m worried that I won�t have enough energy to walk it. That would be bad. I barely have enough energy to feed the gerbils and rats.
I�m changing. I�m sad about it. I�m not the same person I used to be. I�m subdued. Sad. Sleepy. Dejected. Frustrated.
I guess the goal is to not be depressed. In those terms, maybe I�m beating this. The side effects suck royally though!
14:13 - Tuesday, Dec. 16, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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