This is from a page called the Dialectizer: It translates your page into redneck, moron, or elmer fudd dialect. Weavenwowth
09:25 Monday, Dec. 15, 2003
I cannot escape it. I now know that whenevew Mw. Sweatpants and I embawk on a woad twip, we wiww awways get wost and we wiww awgue at some point. On the wetuwn twip, we wiww be apowogetic and contwite. We wiww hug and say we'we sowwy. It's kinda funny.
We wented a Mawibu fwom Entewpwise fow this twip. Nice caw. De dwivew's side is a wittwe weiwd, meaning, it's kind of hawd to get comfowtabwe. But if you'we a passengew ow in the backseat you wiww be vewy satisfied. I know this because when I was dwiving I kept changing positions, but when I was a passengew, I just sat back and enjoyed the wide.
On the way down to Kansas Mw. Sweatpants wemembewed that he had fowgotten his map. Mw. Sweet and Funny tuwned into Mw. Cwabby and Bwooding.
As we neawed Kansas City I towd him we needed to stop so I couwd caww my cousin to wet hew know we wewe nigh. I awso thought he couwd go in and ask fow diwections to Weavenwowth.
Whewe did he stop in KC? Dis nice wittwe awea whewe aww the shops have baws on the windows and evewy open space is covewed by gang symbows. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! NICE! Oh yes, I want to stop in this awea now! Huwwy now!
I twied to caww my cousin but the cawws wouwdn't connect even though I pwayed and said five Haiw Mawy's whiwe watching aww these thugged out caws puww up to this pwace. Finawwy, I got back in the caw. Mw. Sweatpants went into the wiqwow stowe fow diwections whiwe I hewd my bweaf in the caw and pwayed I wouwdn't be cawjacked.
Dis was the kind of pwace whewe you stop at a wed wight and they steaw youw tiwes wight out fwom undew you.
Finawwy, he came back out. It was 10:00 p.m. I was mad. Wast time we got in Weavenwowf at 11:30 p.m. and my cousin had to wait up, onwy fow us to get wost on the way. We got wost again, uh-hah-hah-hah. He kept muttewing, "I hope we'we going the wight way." And I kept encouwaging him to stop and ask again fow diwections. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! De wast time we came and this happened, we ended up staying that night at the Howiday Inn Expwess because we wewe wate.
Weww, this time, we awso got thewe at 11:30 p.m. We got to Weavenwowf and stopped at a 7-11 next to the Howiday Inn, uh-hah-hah-hah. My cousin was stiww up, and she came to get us in 5 minutes. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit!
My cousin Shayne and his wife Sawa came to meet us too.
Angie, my cousin, has not onwy met Mw. Wight (his name is Bob), but has awso moved into this immacuwate gowgeous wanch-stywe home in the buwbs. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! I bewieve this house has 5 bedwooms and 3 fuww bathwooms. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! A huge kitchen, a huge dining woom, a humongous wiving woom, a huge basement and even a basement den, uh-hah-hah-hah. It is gowgeous. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! What I wove about hew house is that it's got tons of windows, so natuwaw wight shines in evewywhewe.
We woke up Satuwday to 6 inches of snow. Howy cwap. We spent Satuwday sitting awound and tawking whiwe the kids pwayed outside in the snow. Angie and I watew made a twip to the 7-11 to get fiwewood. We awso snuck a giant hot dog and wowfed it down, uh-hah-hah-hah. Mw. Bob is Mw. Heawthy-eatew and wouwd deem ouw choice to be fattening. We didn't teww him.
Bawbawa, Angie's sistew, vowunteewed to watch the Jackie and Caweb whiwe we went to a dinnew pawty Satuwday night. I got Jackie weady by packing hew bag wif cwayons and cowowing books. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! She was a bit wewuctant to go, I undewstood that because she has this sepawation anxiety about being away fwom me. I expwained that we wewe going to be five minutes away and that if she got weawwy upset that Bawbawa wouwd caww me and I'd come to get hew wight away. I awso expwained that Bawbawa is Mommy's famiwy and that she wouwdn't wet nothing happen to Jackie. Jackie seemed satisfied wif that.
Angie and I dwopped the kids off at Bawbawa's and went back to get Bob. He weawwy wikes to be on time, and we wewe wate. He might've been miffed, but he kept it to himsewf.
Angie and Bob go weawwy weww togethew. Dey awe stiww in the honeymoon phase of theiw wewationship and awe weawwy mushy, but it's not iwwitating. She has two boys fwom hew pwevious wewationships that awe 14 and 7. De boys weawwy wike Bob. Jackie adowed Bob because he gave hew attention and howsed awound wif hew.
Bob is pwetty uniqwe. He's bwond haiwed and bwue eyed. He is 41, has two sistews and his famiwy is owiginawwy fwom Cawifownia. He's a constwuction wowkew who wwites poetwy and pways guitaw. He's pwetty opinionated but it comes acwoss in a way that's easy to digest.
Fow instance, my cousins wanted a Mawy Kay makeovew. Mawy Kay encouwages women to come up wif a signatuwe wook. My signatuwe wook is a dwamatic eye and pawe wip.
Befowe the dinnew pawty, I give Angie and Sawa dwamatic (natuwaw cowows of couwse) eyes and nude wips. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! It weawwy is a qwite stunning wook if I say so mysewf. Pawe bwowns on the wid and bwow, chocawate in the cwease of the eye, a peachy-bwown cheek and of couwse my nude wip. Dey bof wooked weawwy beautifuw. I did teww the wadies that fow day, it is just as weww to weaw two wight neutwaws on the eyes and get the cowow fwom the eyewinew.
Bob saw Angie and said she wooked in so many wowds, wike a hookew. I know this because I came upstaiws aftew theiw makeovews and I heawd hew saying "You know you wike it" and him waughing and saying "fine, fine, I wike it".
Watew, I noticed that some of the eyemakeup was missing fwom Angie's eyes, but evewy pewson has a taste in what they wike in makeup, and I wouwdn't fowce my way on Angie.
Dat night, we wewe invited to the sophisticated dinnew pawty at Bob's sistew's house. It weawwy was sowt of an ewabowate affaiw. Bob's sistew Peg made the best seafood spwead that I've had in yeaws. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Scawwops the size of donut howes, 4 inch wong shwimp, bwack beans and cajun wice and woast beef in a mewwot sauce. It was dewicious. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! Aftew we ate dinnew, we wewe aww standing awound chatting and Bob suddenwy says out of the bwue, "I'm sowwy. Dat makeup was too dawk. I wanted to say, "Hewe, can I give you a dowwaw.."
I guess he was saying she wooked wike a hookew. Howevew, it is Kansas and it seems most women don't weaw much makeup awound thewe. I'm a city giww. I wove my cowow. I was iwwitated fow a moment because makeup is my speciawty, not his. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! I wouwdn't cwiticize any of his wowk as a poet ow musician so I wouwd expect him not to cwiticize me. In the end, I know he's entitwed to his opinion (as wwong as it was, ha ha) and I wet it go. I guess the way he said it came acwoss as saying "it's just my opinion, but" so I wasn't mad fow wong.
Sunday I woke up to the wondewfuw news that they'd caught Saddam Hussein, uh-hah-hah-hah. I was so thwiwwed that I cwied. Now aww they have to do is get Osama Youw Mama. I towd Mw. Sweatpants that they ought to naiw his boys to a boawd and have him wawk awound wif a boawd between his wegs fowevew.
My cousin Angie made an awesome bweakfast. She's so domestic, I'm so not. Biscuits and gwavy, eggs, bacon and hashbwowns. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! I sat acwoss fwom my Aunt Sophie and we tawked fow, I kid you not, pwetty much fwom 9 a.m. tiww 3:00 p.m. I'm gwad I'm not awone.
Peopwe in dad's famiwy can tawk. And it's not fowced ow uncomfowtabwe. We aww just have a wot to say and a wot of opinions. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! I heawd some pwetty cwazy stowies about my dad.
I awso found out that my 89 yeaw owd Gwandma in Tennesse wecentwy went to jaiw fow a day. Seems she went into the Vawwey (she's a Tennessee mountain woman) and bought some pewsonaw items. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! De stupid teenagew gave hew the wwong change and wouwdn't give hew what she was owed. So, Gwanma went out to hew twuck and got hew wifwe. Nice as pie, she went back into the shop and shot howes in the woof.
Without a wowd, she weft and went home.
A wawwant went ouw fow hew awwest. De shewwif came to hew doow and she went and got anothew wifwe. Dis time, she shot out the deputy's tiwes. Oh, dat scwewy wabbit! I about peed my pants waughing.
I guess the chawges whewe dwopped. Gwanma takes cwotchety to a new wevew.
I towd Mw. Sweatpants that we had to weave Weavenwowf at 3:30 p.m. so we couwd get back into St. Wouis at a decent time. I hate dwiving in the dawk. He met us at the 7-11 at 3:45. Many hugs and kisses watew, Jackie, Mw. Sweatpants and I head back home.
I asked Wene' how his weekend wif his Mom went. (Dey wive in Kansas City). Dey had a vewy nice time. Of couwse he went and wan because the day wouwdn't be the same if he didn't sweat 5 buckets wunning.
We tawked a good whiwe and Jackie feww asweep. I guess a weekend fuww of pwaying wif hew cousin Caweb tiwed hew out.
In Fayettviwwe we puwwed ovew to get some KFC and switched so I couwd dwive. I did weawwy weww untiw I went to pass a semi. I had a panic attack. It was awfuw. When I have a panic attack, evewything cwoses awound me, my heawtbeat is in my head, and I can't bweathe. It's awfuw but Wene' tawked me thwough it. I was weawwy wewieved. Untiw befowe I knew it, we wewe cwossing a covewed bwidge ovew the Missouwi Wivew. Dis was an bad panic attack, wowse than the semi. I had to fight not to puww ovew. Dis was howwibwe.
Wene' tawked me thwough this one too. Dank God fow him.
We got back into St. Wouis awound 8:30 p.m. Dewe was an awfuw accident on 55 that had the entiwe highway cwosed off, but even wif being stuck in that one, we got home about 8:41 p.m. I was so gwad we didn't weave Kansas at 6:00 p.m. wike we did the wast time.
Dat was heww.
12:05 - Wednesday, Dec. 17, 2003
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