I hate counting calories, but I think the time has come where I have to admit that my metabolism is slower than Christmas. This crap is not fair.
My tests came back normal. No diabetes, no thyroid disorder, no other illness they can detect, which means, I�m fat because of genetics and lack of control over my eating. And I�m tired a lot, so I�m not motivated to exercise.
That�s going to have to change.
Sigh.
I do not have the body of an 18-year-old sailor anymore.
However, I do not want the body of a 70-year-old lady either.
Hence, work must be done.
The first thing is that I�m going to keep a food journal. I need to realize what I�m putting in my body everyday. I love food. Food is good. Food is tasty. But I think I�m taking in a lot of �invisible calories� and it�s all showing up on my butt.
Switching to one regular soda a day, and one diet, is great! I�m already losing weight.
Regular soda is starting to taste too sweet. Trust me I never thought that day would come.
I�m also going to spend a little time reviewing calories. What constitutes a cup? What�s enough? How many calories are in an apple? Apples are good; they have a lot of fiber, which helps fill you up faster. They say if you eat an apple (or another fiberful food) at your mealtime then you will feel full without the extra calories you would�ve gotten with extra helpings.
Water is another good one. Lots of water makes your body more efficient at disposing what it doesn�t need. Also, you won�t get that yicky-dehydrated feeling. I get that way often. I either drink too much water or not enough.
I will listen to my body. Eating slower helps your body get fuller faster. If you eat slower then your brain actually gets the �full� signal much before you binge on two more helpings. So, I must slow down and stop being a pig. Oink.
Portions�got to cut down on those. Get some protein, and the other two portions should be vegetables. Have a nibble of that decadent dessert, but enough so that I won�t feel left out.
Then, I won�t pig out when I�m feeling really down.
I�m going to stay on journaling too. I need to figure out what�s eating me before I eat myself to death. Unfortunately, food was my only source of comfort for many years as a child. I often felt invisible, ugly, not important enough, so I�d sneak a Twinkie or cookie to soothe myself. Food was nicer to me than the adults in my life at certain points.
You know, the sad thing is that when I was thin, I had my dream guy, a voluptuous size 8 waist, and I was still so darn depressed. And men were always talking to me, complimenting me, and I still felt ugly and undesirable. My husband told me I was his beautiful Latina woman, and I thought �he must be blind�.
I think that some of this goes back to the attack. This man did violent things to my body and made me hate my body. And that scar on my stomach, I despise it. And I think, what man will want a woman who looks like she�s been cut in half? That�s not rational thinking, it�s my insecurity. I need to gain control over this eating problem before it becomes my focus. I want to have healthy eating and coping habits.
I�m feeling down today. That�s why I talked about my tree. I can�t describe it, but I am not happy today. I�m not depressed, nope, just not thrilled. I often feel this way after I�ve done a lot of shopping and I figure out how much money I got left. It�s the after-effect of a peak.
This also I think is proof that I�m still having some problems. I�m on enough medicine to keep me from being severely depressed or severely manic. However, until I�m at the right dosage, I will probably continue to have these ups and downs.
I�d just like to have a few days of feeling the same about everything.
It�s hard to know you have a debilitating mental illness that you did nothing to deserve and even worse to know that some people will try to blame you for it. Or they shy away from you. I think my mom�s family may not take my bipolar seriously. Or they might say something along the lines of it being payment for being Satan�s pawn and not �being saved�.
I know they love me, but sometimes I feel like the prize in the lottery of souls for the Mormon and Pentecostal church. I feel like, if they get me, then they can get anybody.
I�m also pissed that even after all this time I�ve got no news from the Circuit Attorney.
I�ve overwhelmed at the thought of Thanksgiving at my house.
Both of my sisters will be coming in at Christmas. Plus 3 kids. I�m happy. And yet, worried.
I�d like to not worry so much, okay God? Could you help a lady out here?
Just a bit of anxiety here�and it�s making me nervous.
14:54 - Thursday, Nov. 13, 2003
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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