It�s been a week and a day since I started taking Zyprexa. Since it takes a few days to kick in, understandably I had a panic attack the day after I started it. I have noticed since then that I have experienced no depression and very little anxiety. I had a panic attack on the way home yesterday but I believe that was because of the Starbucks Double Shot Expresso that I was drinking. It seems my body is more sensitive to caffeine now.
I have to say the world is a different place when you�re not battling depression 24/7. I�m just starting to realize the severity of the battle within me. It wasn�t just one battle, it was many. I had a lot of issues haunting me and I could never feel just content to live each day and experience it for itself�I was always exhausted.
Talking to my friends (Salsalita and Rene�) has helped alleviate some of the weirdness of the diagnosis. On one hand, I�m relieved to put a name with that pain and on the other, I�m saddened to know that this is something I�ll always have. It doesn�t really have a cure. I also felt ashamed (right word?) that I had this disease and worried that people would not understand it�s not something I did to make it happen, and walk away from me.
Abandonment is one of my worst fears.
But to my surprise, I�ve had nothing but support from those I love the dearest; my daughter, my adopted mom, Rene�, Salsalita and my dad�s side of the family.
In fact, I believe I inherited this from Dad�s side. My mom�s side suffers greatly from depression, but as I found out from my cousin Barbara, that half the family suffers from bipolar or manic Depression. I told her, �Hell, I don�t need no DNA test to know if Dad�s really my father because I have so many eerie things in common with the Tate�s that it�s impossible to ignore them�.
My mom�s side of the family, well, they don�t know. Why? I haven�t told them. Most of them are preoccupied with the DNA review of Rodn*ey Linc*oln and can�t think of much else. I have told my Grandma, and my sisters, but that�s it. I�m sorry to say that sometimes I don�t even feel that we come from the same gene pool. We�ve shared experiences but there�s this invisible communication barrier. Even though we�ve ironed out most of our grievances with one another, we can�t seem to progress. It�s something that�s bigger than me.
I feel myself changing. Often you ask your deity for the knowledge of what you can change, the will to do so and the peace to accept what you cannot change. That�s all I�ve ever asked for.
Right now, I can change me and the way I interpret what happens in my world. I can also be a loving guide to those I hold close but now I have to know �when to fold em�. I have to be able to distance myself from it without giving my family the impression that I don�t care.
I�ve often written that my heroes are Oscar Schindler and Oprah. Oscar said that be believed deeply in the Jewish law that �if you save one life you save the entire world�. I truly believe that. And while he felt inadequate that he was only able to save 1200 Jews from the gas chambers, there are thousands of these Jewish descendents alive today because of his act of love, courage and compassion. He changed the world forever.
I still want to make a difference in this world. I want to make sure there are no forgotten children. That crime victims don�t go unheard and that domestic abuse victims have a safe place to go. I can�t save the world, but I can make it a better place. I think when I get up every day, that I can�t stop famine, war, and suffering. But I can make it the day a little easier for another person.
I don�t have to snipe about somebody who doesn�t do things my way.
I can let someone in front of me when they are in a hurry. I can say �please and thank you�, and I can smile. Sometimes I don�t feel like smiling but maybe it will make someone else feel better and I believe in karma. I guess the next step in my life is creating good karma.
I guess one thing I�m really happy about is that the medicine hasn�t taken away my ability to feel. I still get misty when my daughter tells me I�m nothing but perfect. I still feel anger toward that rotten SOB Rod*ney Linco*ln..and I still feel lucky that I didn�t die that day.
The Mormies came to my door again last week. I am exasperated with the Mormons. Can�t they take a hint? I�ve written two letters, sat thru two phone calls and three visits from missionaries. Hello. I don�t want to be a member of your church. Why? Well, I�ll tell you..
When I got to the �I�ll tell you� part before, I was infuriated at this continuous invasion of privacy. I really let them have it. But I guess the medicine is working because I calmly told the missionaries why I would never set foot again in their church. I explained it in a sweet way, almost the way a mother talks to a child. I wrote another (and hopefully final) letter to them asking them to cease contact and to take me off of any membership rolls. And I was fine. The sweet little virgin mishies said goodbye, got in their car, and left. Nothing was amiss.
I guess I was starting to see a lot of people and events in my life as invasions and threats to me and the calm and quiet of my home. It�s only been a week and things have changed dramatically. It�s nice.
Salsalita and Jake came over the other day. Jackie was ecstatic about driving someone else crazy. I was ecstatic about seeing Salsalita. I was really lonely when she went to Las Vegas. I missed her.
She showed me her wedding pictures and they were gorgeous. The reception pics were nice too, but I was really disappointed about not seeing the hairy butt picture that her brother took with one of the disposable on the table.
Yesterday Jackie and I went shopping for Halloween costumes. She originally wanted to be the ghost from Scream (I�m not sure what you call him) and I originally balked. To make me happy, she conceded and chose to be a princess. But when we went to the store to get the princess costume, I noticed her staring longingly at the Scream costume. �Ah, hell you�re just a kid once� I thought and took her over to look at them. I made a deal with her that she could wear the hooded robe but for the mask she could be the one from �Scary Movie� with the tongue sticking out. She was thrilled. So we are even.
It was cheap too. Yeah!
Ooh, Seal's got a new album out. I have loved that man since his very first album. Sigh...
11:01 a.m. - 2003-09-26
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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