I'm back today and for the moment, angst free. I was talking to Billy, a work friend of mine who is sometimes an irritating proseletyzer, about the DNA case.
I can't do anything to control this situation so why am I so upset about the lack of influence I have? I don't know. Whatever will happen is going to happen. I'd like to think it's whatever the Big Diety upstairs wants..but I hope sincerely that the big diety's will is not for a killer to walk free, even after 21 years. People use that annoying phrase "He's paying his debt to society" and I say, "He can never repay his debt to me for what he did to me, my mom, and my sis and our family".
Right now when I think about him I feel nothing, but there have been times I felt this awful rage..and I scared myself. When I feel that rage I have to fight within myself not to lose it.
Could they please hurry this crap up? I mean, in early May I found out about the DNA review for my attacker and was told it was gonna be 6 weeks before I got any results. And now, it's about 3 weeks before my October 12th birthday and still nothing. This sucks. I'm sick of thinking about that sick mothersucker.
Yesterday I was really tired. I hope that side effect goes away. I've been on the medicine since last Thursday, so I give it to the 2nd of October and if I'm still having bad side effects like mental fogginess and fatigue then my docter is gonna have to prescribe something else.
Aside from being a mom and that is definitely a full time job, I'm also on the deployment team at my job. I need the mental clarity and physical strength to tear down, move, set up, initialize and troubleshoot computers and their problems. I can't be slow. Not here anyway.
I was tired last Friday, and not only did I almost light my hair on fire, but I also dropped a shelf on my head when I was underneath a desk. That is dangerous. Not to mention the biggest side effect of this medicine is that you gain weight sometimes.
I, while a diva, am still overweight, but I can still recognize me in there somewhere. I don't want to gain any more weight. Isn't there a drug out there for depression that doesn't wear you down so much?
Billy, the irritating sometimes proseletyzer, would say that "the devil" is making me think the medicine is bad. Or he'd say that by taking the meds I'm "claiming" the mental illness.
Billy, God love him, is one of those people who makes you cringe. Hey, love God, that's great. But don't run around making people feel stupid and irritated because you judge them (and that is a sin by the way). Billy's one of those people who'd stand up on top of the
St. Louis Arch and say "God will catch me" and leap off. When he found out about the DNA stuff, he lectured me on the "hate the sin, not the sinner" and "that man didn't do that it was a demon on him that killed your mom". I told him that every day when I get up I have a choice about being an instrument of evil, and then I told him to go to hell, and I walked away.
People that exhonerate criminals from accountability on account of mental illness, anger, or my favorite, demonic influence, are morons. I know when I'm doing wrong, and when I'm doing right. I make a choice every day about the person I am going to be, and I choose to be a loving kind person. It's just that Billy is one of those "feather light, fairy bright, lilly white" kinds, who takes everything literally and yet thinks everything bad can be excused because it's the devil.
You know what, I think that people like Billy are more in danger spiritually than people like me. I'm a realist. He's not. I worry more about him sticking his foot in his mouth and getting his butt whooped because he shot off and told someone to get that "devil" out.
The only reason I really talk to Billy is because I know he has a good heart, but it's just misguided. Sometimes I have to tell Billy off, but since he blames it on that devil in me, I don't feel so bad. After all, it absolves me, right?
8:55 a.m. - 2003-09-23
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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