Hi there. I don't have much time..so I have to summarize. I got my child support Thursday night. Nice.
Lisa's reception was Friday. I don't know what was wrong with me but I was having one of those episodes on the way there. How embarrassing. My friend is having a happy day, her wedding reception, and I'm contemplating driving my car off the road into the embankment. My daughter was in the car, and thank God, that's probably why I didn't entertain the idea longer. I'd never hurt my daughter.
Still I cried almost all the way there (15 minutes) and truthfully not sure why I was so very sad. Sad-like-someone died-Sad. Sad-like-I-did-something-bad and-I-have-to-pay-for-it-forever-by- taking-horrible-meds-with-awful-side-effects-forever-sad.
I hate the stigma of bipolar or manic depressive illness. People think you're crazy but the truth is, you're "sane" trapped inside a brain that malfunctions through no fault of your own. I can't tell you what it's like to try to explain the simplest things to my friends now, I get tongue-tied.
It doesn't make sense. You know, before,when I got like this, I could see a way out, it would come and go. This evil thing has stayed. This mood, this helplessness and anger, it has stayed. I've never felt so out of it in my entire life.
I feel not so strong anymore. I'm not so sure either. And even though I tell you I'm not scared to die, please believe I won't do anything to make myself die. It's just that I don't want to hurt inside anymore. I thought that by journaling and talking about it that this would get better but this madness is like a snowball that's rolled on the ground. It's bigger and bigger and now bigger than me, and I need help.
Good things happened this weekend. I watched my bestest friend dance the night away in a sleek wedding gown, looking every bit like a princess. I watched her dance with her new husband. And I, her former dancing partner, and still her buddy, could only feel a whole lot of nothing. I didn't have the energy to dance, and I sat in the back. I tried to be sociable and happy and light, but instead, I felt awful...I felt like maybe I'm just a jerk that I can't even control this illness enough to share her wonderful day with her. In reality I knew she wouldn't be mad, but at one time that evening, I was nervous she'd be furious with me for not dancing with her like we always do. And I cried when I talked to her about it. I think she was horrified that I'd feel that way. She loves me more than that...but when I'm in one of those moments, there is no reality.
12:58 p.m. - 2003-09-22
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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