If you don't like gay people, think their damned to hell, etc, skip this page. ************************************************** 13 August, 2003
Kevin,
Hey love. I��m glad you called me. I wanted to call you back; however, I don��t have your new number. When I call the number in my book, it��s no longer in service! Is everything all right?
My life is nuts right now. I��m trying to keep that murderous man in jail: you know, the one who killed my mom and tried to kill me and my sister. Well, the justice department has chosen his case along with 2400 others for review. They��re doing DNA testing on it right now. It was supposed to be done weeks ago, and I��m exhausted because I still have no results.
It��s agonizing. I have suffered a lot with flashbacks the last two months. I probably will until I get the results. I did do an interview with the local news station about it.
I am on a machine for sleep apnea. It��s been fun. Every day I begin with train tracks on my face�Kdarn.
Still no man to get married to. No one worth my time anyway.
I��m very tired today, and my tailbone hurts because my organization is too cheap to buy ergonomic chairs. Just thought I��d share that with you, you know, that my butt hurts. ��
I hope you are well. You sounded like you are well, but not the best on my answering machine. Sounds like you are still battling inside.
Don��t be mad, but do you think that��s necessary? Kevin, you sound depressed.
I have a lot of questions but don��t want you to be mad at me for asking them. I��m not criticizing your church to be mean, but I think what they��re doing is misguided and very uneducated.
Please forgive me: You��ve been suffering for a while. I��ve tried to be quiet about it, but now I just find it hard to button my lip because I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, or the way you were. I think you are as close to human perfection as one can get. You have the sweetest soul, and I know God doesn��t hate people who are different. After all, he made us in his own image; however, he didn��t make us exactly like him. We are our own people, we are individuals.
We have the right to be different.
It is just my opinion, but something has caused you great pain and self-loathing, and I��m mad about it. Someone has told you that something is wrong with you. I��d like to know who they think they are? Lots of folks who live in the country and never been no where and never been exposed to any CULTURE sure think they know everything and are pretty self-righteous too.
They got you cornered and isolated.
I find that funny because no one is fit to judge you because, according to your scripture, we ALL fall short of the glory of God.
I can think of a lot worse things to be than gay. Such as a rapist, child molester, racist, murderer, philanderer, liar, and thief. There��s Ten Commandments, and being gay ain��t on the ��Do Not�� list.
You can��t tell me God doesn��t love his Gay children.
Being gay is not bad. Being hateful or judgmental of gay people is because in the bible it says, ��If you have done it unto the least of mine, you have done it unto me.�� So, by hurting you, they are hurting him.
Hmm. That would be bad.
That�� s just my opinion but heterosexual Christians are some of the meanest, most deviant, most ignorant people. It��s okay to marry a 16 year old, kill your wife, have six wives, cheat on your wife with the assistant pastor��s wife (as long as nobody knows), sleep with your busty red-haired secretary, bilk the public out of thousands of dollars (while jetting off to Bali and Montigo Bay) and cheat on your taxes (ala Jim and Tammy Faye) but you can��t be gay. Now that there is an abomination!
That��s stupid. It doesn��t make sense.
If you have chosen to follow the path the heteros in your congregation have carved out for you I will still be there for you because I am your friend and I love you. If you have chosen to believe that they are right and you are wrong, I will still be here, trying to bite my tongue.
However, I will not echo any anti-Kevin sentiment. I won��t do it. If you want a friend to tell you that by going to church, starving yourself, praying feverishly and punishing yourself for the rest of your life that you are going to heaven, you��re crazy. The kind of person you are, the soul you have, the action you take, that matters. Not who you loved. If you didn��t love at all, then that might be a problem.
God doesn��t want us to hate ourselves and be miserable. God doesn��t want you torn down and broken.
I refuse to say that your church is right in what they��re doing by counseling you about your so-called sin of being homosexual. If that makes you upset, I am very sorry. But churches often condemn what they don��t understand.
First of all (wagging my finger): You just don��t stop being gay.
You don��t just cease having feelings for people.
Hello! There is no tried and true technique to changing your sexual preference. That��s crazy.
It just so happens that some folks in your church have attractions and addictions that they suppress (or secretly give in to) too. Some folks also have issues with drugs, alcohol and sex addictions. But that��s okay, right?
I bet lots of people are focused on your sexuality when they should really be getting a life and concentrating on their own issues. I��m not saying that people aren��t earnest, but your sexual life is none of their business. When preacher-man gets up at the pulpit and starts telling the congregation what HE did with his wife last night, maybe things will change.
You can believe in God and be gay.
I know because I have lots of friends who are gay, who believe in the big man upstairs.
You are not the only one who has struggled with what your church tells you and what your heart and mind says. I know many devout people who are having issues. Read the paper and watch the news.
I haven��t heard you be happy in a long time. You sound sad, depressed and dejected. You deserve better. Church should make you joyous, happy, positive. They are not your parents and you are not 5. It��s not their job to judge you or change you.
It��s not like you wore your ��CO-ED NAKED LACROSSE�� shirt to church. It��s not something you can really change.
And even if you do manage to squelch your preference, will you ever be truly happy? Will you love yourself? Will you miss out on that
self-loathing that so many closeted church folk feel?
I��m angry that people have broken you down and made you feel like you��re less of a person because you were gay. It is not your fault that you got encephalitis, it��s not your fault the USN gave you a medical discharge and it ain��t due to your sexuality that ANY of that happened to you. It was meant to be.
You are going to go to medical school. You are going to be someone important and who cares if you didn��t do what your momma wanted you to do because you got sick with encephalitis? You get a life threatening illness while deployed and all she can think of is what she��s missing out on. Why, I oughtta�K
That is so silly. If I were there with your folk, I��d be adamant that they let me get up and testify. In which I would stand up, fan myself, and say, ��Lawdy, thank God we ain��t got no hypocrites and bigots in this here church. Thank the Lawd we all love one another and support one another like family. Thank God for my church family who loves me, supports me and accepts me. ��
You��d never speak to me again, Kevin. I��d shame them all.
I��m worried. I��m upset. I��ve thought about it for some months now and thankfully I was able to put it all down on paper. I understand if you��re mad, but I will not let anybody torture you without some kind of intervention from me.
I want you to be happy, whatever happens, wherever you end up. I want you to feel loved, and accepted, by your peers, and by your creator. I��m no angel, but I��m pretty happy with those things. Mostly because I accept who I am on the inside, something that I cannot change�K.a survivor, a former victim, queen of the underdog. An advocate.
Please give me your number. I am very worried about you and was upset that I missed your call. I miss my friend.
Love always,
Missy
Things are rough for me lately too. I��m really having a hard time with my life right now. Not a lot of things are going right and frankly it��s a little depressing.
1:53 p.m. - 2003-08-13
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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