Brief depression: Is it me, or are weddings in the air? One of my friends at work, who I secretly think is a babe, got married last week. Boy, that was a surprise. I didn�t know he was going to ask her. In fact, I was under the impression that she didn�t take to his kids well and seemed to think they were an unnecessary nuisance. Something, to me, that doesn�t bode well for the marriage.
But, they wed.
Salsalita and Rufus are getting married in September. I am very happy for them.
And yet a little selfish part of me is saying, �Why can�t I get married?� I don�t want to marry just for the sake of doing it. I mean, it�s not all about the incidentals like the big church wedding, presents and a big rock on my finger.
What I want, is the family, mostly because I never had one growing up. For me, for my daughter. So I�ll always have my best friend around, so I have someone to take with me to events, so my daughter will have a positive male role model and the security of family life, so I won�t be scared of a burglar, so I won�t have to wait ten years for the repairman. Lots of reasons. Mainly, I�m really lonely. I�m 28. My ovaries are saying, �Reproduction should be beginning any time now! Time is getting short!�
When I meet somebody, I first consider my potential with them. And then I do a mental time-line of events ending with me getting married. It�s embarrassing, and when it doesn�t work out I�m disappointed.
Lots of disappointments lately.
Mr. Sweatpants would be ideal for this endeavor. And yet, he doesn�t want to EVER get married.
Depressing.
Because I love him and we�d make cute babies.
Because he�s a good friend and we have fun together.
I�ve known him for 13 years, and I think I know him by now.
Sigh.
********************************************************
I hate my ex-husband sometimes. I mean, Uranus takes advantage of my every kindness and pushes me to the limit. Yep, the place where I want to scream at him because he just can�t handle it if I�m nice to him for two long so he goes out of his way to tick me off.
Now, I�m kind to him for a few reasons: 1) my daughter�s sake. It�s not good for kids to know their parents are fighting. 2) because it�s the �right� thing to do 3) I don�t have the energy to fight him. I mean, where would it get me anyway? He�s the most secretive, reclusive person I�ve ever met and he�s not likely to change so why waste my energy?
He�s maddeningly vague, and vaguely insulting. Sort of like I must have no life and must be insanely jealous if I have the nerve to inquire about the whys. Why don�t you call your kid? Why don�t you communicate with her more? Why haven�t you paid August�s child support yet?
That�s right, kiddies. I haven�t seen August child support yet; it was due on the first of the month.
I talked to Salsalita about it. I told her that if I met a guy, and he didn�t see his kid, and the only thing he did was pay child support, I�d be suspicious as to WHY that was happening. I�d be asking lots of questions. I�d be trying to accompany him to visit with the child, and when he�d call the child, I�d also talk with the child myself. I�d integrate myself in with the child the best I could so I could see for myself.
And if, perhaps, the situation were obviously a case of parental indifference on his part, then I�d dump him.
Now, my ex�s new wife Cornelia, I guess she�s all right, if you like �Children of the Corn�. I mean, she�s not only plain, but it seems like (and I know this because I met her when I myself was married to him) she�s not playing with a full deck. Sometimes I wonder if he told her a bunch of BS and that�s why she stayed with him. Like, I�m a raving beotch, or I put a hex on him, or something.
But after all this time, me emailing him, sending him pictures and father�s day cards, and calling him, wouldn�t it be obvious I�m not the cold ignorant person he made me out to be. Wouldn�t she, Cornelia, pick up on it?
Salsalita said Cornelia could be telling him, �Look, Jackie�s mom makes good money; don�t you be sending our baby money to Missouri when Missy�s got a good job and doesn�t need your money anyway.�
Call me suggestible but the thought of that really fired me up. Cornelia, wife of Uranus, has never really worked, because she�s delicate and she�s too good to work. And he�s going to school full time, and not working.
Um, how do your bills get paid? Oh, wait, my tax dollars take care of that. I mean, sadly, if you�re able then you should be working. Cornelia should be working to take care of their family, and he should be working to take care of his FIRST daughter. The child who was here before he got all Brady on me and got a brand new family: the perfect family.
I�m really pissed at him. My daughter got home on June 29th because it was IMPERATIVE that she leave before July 4th, and Uranus has talked to her exactly twice since then. What kind of dad only talks to his six-year-old twice in two months? Both times, we called him!
Salsalita, sensing my irritation with him, asked Jackie last weekend if she wanted to call her dad. She said yes, so Salsalita dialed the number and let Jackie ask for her dad. I, meanwhile, am slowly steaming and trying to busy myself with putting the groceries his money was supposed to buy away. Jackie finally says, �Want to talk to my mommy now?� but I�m very pissed and I try to motion to her to just hang up.
She brings me the phone. Through clenched teeth I tell him she just really missed him and wanted to say hi. He�s pretty silent, like usual, which is unnerving. I hate that. When we talk on the phone, most of time he�s very quiet and that makes me feel like he�s waiting for a blessing from the priesthood before he says anything else. Must be the Mormy in him.
We hang up soon after. He didn�t mention the money at all, and I didn�t stoop to ask for it. I do have some dignity. But you know, I think eventually I�m going to have to take him back to court because I'm not sure he�s going to be reliable anymore with the money.
It�s not that I can �make it� without it because I have a good job. I would like to be able to count on it because I take care of her, and if he�s not going to, he at least needs to provide his half financially. I don�t think it�s too much to ask. I�m not asking for a miracle, a cornea or a kidney.
Just some money.
I�m really irritated at his attitude. Nothing irritates me more than men who create families, then get bored, go make new families with young, nubile nymphets and ignore the children from the first one.
I got the feeling he thinks that with the new baby, �this time it�s going to be perfect because we�re doing it my way� and he has put blame for Jackie not being his clone on me instead of recognizing she is unique and original. He�s made comments like, �I haven�t raised her, and even though I don�t agree with the way you have raised her, she has turned out well.� Kind of like, well, she turned out to be a kind, spiritual, thoughtful, person on her own, not because I have talked to her about it and tried to live it as an example.
That�s insulting to her and me. I didn�t tell him to walk away from her for four years. And I have never prejudiced Jackie against her father. He has done the damage himself. You can�t meet someone for the first time (I mean she was two when she last saw him) and expect them to instantly love, respect and cherish you! Jackie�s hurt and mad at her father for a lot of valid reasons. I don�t blame her.
I�m starting to wonder if he has moved into some weirder fringe group of LDS, like RLDS or some polygamy-practicing group. He�s just freaky. He gives me the creeps sometimes.
I think he�s prone to cult-like groups. I don�t know. He just has these very strange ideas and beliefs and it freaks me out, in a Jim Jones sort of way.
12:40 p.m. - 2003-08-13
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus