Today I feel pretty good. I�m not really depressed, and I�m not mad. I am a little miffed that the government lost a very important piece of paperwork and I have to do it OVER, but there�s nothing I can do about it today. I�m sickened that I will have to repeat this painfully slow and intensely personal process over again, when I am not due for another 3 years, but I digress.
I got great news yesterday. When I opened my mailbox I was greeted with an envelope addressed to me from the Sleep Clinic. I was wary; thinking it was probably a reminder that I owe them over $200 from my sleep study, which is what the insurance company didn�t pay. I opened it anyway, fending off the uneasiness in my stomach.
Surprise. Somehow, Jill notated in loopy black writing, my account has been paid in full. That�s right, I owe $0 dollars.
Thrill! Yay! I felt so relieved to have one burden off my back.
I found a website today that I just love. Everyone meet the Etiquette Grrls
Here's some sample letters:
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I would like to know the correct way to politely request the return of a borrowed item. I have an extensive collection of books, CDs, DVDs, etc. and while visiting, friends have on occasion asked to borrow one thing or another. Now, I don't mind lending them things, but I would like for those things to be returned after a reasonable period of time! I feel a bit awkward saying, "Have you finished with x? I would like it back," and this always embarrasses people, but I can't really afford to keep replacing things that I lend to well-meaning but otherwise forgetful friends. I thought of saying "Friend Y has asked to borrow the item, and so could I please have it back," but that seems a bit disingenuous given that it would be immensely unlikely that Friend Y would even know of the item's existence given that it is not on my shelf! Is there a polite way to get my stuff back? Please help!
Neither a borrower nor a lender be
Dear Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
Isn't it awful that people don't Remember to Return Things you were kind enough to lend them?? It's just Infuriating! Dear Readers, right after you finish reading this column, make a list of Everything You Have Borrowed that you have Not Returned, and send each item back to its rightful owner, avec a Note of Apology! But the EGs digress. We think your methods of Asking for the Return of Your Property are perfectly reasonable and polite. If people are A Tad Embarrassed, it's Their Own Fault, isn't it? And as for being Disingenuous, how about something like, "I was talking about This Side of Paradise with Elizabeth, who mentioned how much she wanted to read it, and I offered to lend her my copy. But then I remembered that I loaned it to you! If you're done with it, would you mind bringing it along to class next Friday, so I can pass it along to Elizabeth later that afternoon?"
With best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
I know you receive many questions regarding food, and I am sure you are quite bored to death of the topic. However, one more time . . . please settle a serious quandary.
I have a roomate who always feels it necessary to comment on what I am eating. If he sees me eating some delicious chocolate he will shake his finger at me and say, "no-no." This really infuriates me as I by no means have a weight problem. Yet, if he sees me eating a salad he will ask why I'm on a diet. Can't one enjoy one's leafy greens? If he hears me cooking he'll race in the kitchen and ask me what I'm making and proceed to stand there and watch me. I don't know what kind of food preoccupation he has, but it's quite annoying. I've tried making comments such as, "Is my reheating left-overs from last night really so interesting?", but he does not get the drift. Is there a gracious way to tell him that his hawking my dietary consumption is not only making me self-conscious, but is just plain rude? Many thanks.
K.
Dear K.,
Here are a few suggestions:
Him: "No no! Chocolate is very fatty!"
You: "Sorry, but I didn't realize you were a Registered Dietician, here to Advise Me on Nutrition. Hey Sally (insert another roommate's name here, if you have one), did you know Bob here is a Expert on Nutrition?" (This would be the Sarcastic Approach.)
Him: "Are you on a diet?"
You: "Why do you ask?" (Repeat ad nauseam.)
or
You: "I'm sorry, but that isn't Your Concern." (Sweet smile.)
or
You: "Yes, it's the 'How to prevent other people from commenting on Your Eating Habits' Diet. Damn, it doesn't seem to be working." (More Sarcasm. The EGs rather enjoy it.)
If all else fails, Dear Reader, sit him down and tell him, directly, how much this is bugging you. You can do this in a way that is direct, but not mean. Sometimes people are so Oblivious to the Annoyances They Cause Others that they really must be told (gently and privately, of course).
We hope this helps!
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Dear Etiquette Grrls,
How should one address the problem of a roommate who sheds like a cat, leaving long bleached-blonde strands clinging to everything, who never uses the toilet brush (!) and never cleans around the house? I would like to get rid of him, but we really need his rent money, and he is a "friend" of my beau's (HE originally asked him to move in with us).
As my beau and I are still making repayments on the furniture and appliances, I get a little upset when I realise the only money this roommate pays is for his room, although he uses everything in the house as if it were his.
Is it too late to ask him to pay more rent (he knows we are on a fixed lease for a fixed term and how much the full rent amount it)? I feel very uncomfortable talking money. What would you suggest I do?
Fondest Regards and thanks,
M.
Dear M.,
Eeeeeeeewwww! How Vile! Now, Dear Reader, your situation illustrates perfectly the EGs' Three Absolutely Essential Rules About Having Roommates:
1) As Loathsome As It Is to Discuss Housework, Cleanliness Standards, Guests, and Expenses, You Must Have a Frank Conversation With Potential Roommates About These Matters Before You Even Consider Signing a Lease (And if Possible, Put It All in Writing).
2) When You Are Choosing Roommates, Never, Ever, EVER Move In With Someone Without Knowing First-Hand How Neat and Clean They Are. (Obviously, there are some roommates, such as one's Freshman Year College Roommates, about whom you have Absolutely No Control, but you will have RA's to help you Deal With Them. In the Real World, you can't Whine to An RA about how Sally Leaves Dirty Dishes on the Living Room Floor, so you need to do some Detective Work before Signing a Lease.)
3) It Is Much Better to Have a Smaller, Not-So-Nice Apartment and Not Have to Share (or to Share It With One Roommate You Trust) Than to Take On a Lease that Stretches Your Budget and Requires You to Get a Roommate You're Not So Sure About.
Whether or not you can ask This Oaf to Pay More Money probably depends on what kind of arrangement you have with him. Have you had him Sign A Lease? If so, you probably can't Raise the Rent during the Term of the Lease. If this is an Informal Arrangement, you might have More Leeway. (However, if you're paying for Appliances and Things that you presumably will someday Own Outright, you might not want to ask for Extra Money towards them-- if Your Shedding Friend is Nastily Litigious, he might try to Exert Ownership over 1/3 of The Washing Machine and the Settee.) Honestly, if you have an Informal Arrangement, we think the best thing to do would be to Get a Better Roommate. Until that can happen, we say that you and Your Beau need to have a Frank Discussion avec The Shedder about Cleanliness. (And, hmmm, if Your Beau doesn't think you should Kick Him Out if Things Don't Improve, just because the two of them are Friends, then we think Your Beau needs to take over Shedder Dude's Share of the Housework.)
Very truly yours,
The Etiquette Grrls
Cheres EGs,
I would like to thank you for your wonderful Web site and tell you that it provides much education and entertainment as a trudge through each dreary day at work. And I wonder if you can help me with a problem.
I share a large cubicle with three other people, and I often eat my lunch at my desk (a common practice in our office) because the cafeteria is very small. Each day around lunch time, one of my cubicle-mates turns to me and says, "Hi Petunia. What do you have for lunch today?" And when I answer, for instance, "A ham and cheese sandwich," he inevitably responds, "Oh, you like ham and cheese?" Dear EGs, this is driving me mad! Firstly, why must he greet me each time? Secondly, why does he insist on inquiring what I'll be eating? Does he want some? Does he hope I'll offer it to him? And that final question is so unnecessary. Of course I like it, otherwise I wouldn't be eating it!
Is there a polite way to respond to him? He is a very nice man, and I certainly don't want to be rude, but I'm tired of answering his questions. Please help.
Petunia
Dear Petunia,
Aren't Repetitive Silly Questions the Worst? One could always say something Sarcastic, like, "Food," but if Your Interrogator is indeed a Nice Man, you really shouldn't do that. We'd recommend saying something like, "Filet Mignon, Haricots Verts, and I will soon be enjoying an Absolutely Divine Cr�me Brulee. [Slight pause.] And I LOVE it. [Big smile.] Oh, Bob, you always ask me what I'm eating, and I can guarantee I'll never have anything interesting to tell you, since it's just plain old lunch at my desk. Let's talk about something else. So, have you seen any good movies lately?" Hopefully he will get the message, if you play it off like this, and quit asking you. He's probably just someone who doesn't understand how to Make Interesting Conversation and might need a bit of encouragement in the right direction. If the dumb questions persist, well, you could try eating in the Cafeteria, instead of at your desk, even if the Cafeteria is small. Or perhaps there's a nearby place, like a Sunny Park Bench, outside your office where you could Escape for A Quick Bite when the weather is nice...
Best wishes,
The Etiquette Grrls
You can find them on www.etiquettegrrls.com
3:24 p.m. - 2003-08-06
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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