�Hi, I�d like to order a grilled chicken sandwich and a medium grape furp.�
I had to use that. Jackie told me her 5-year-old stepsister calls soda �furp� which is pretty funny to me. I started cracking up when she told me that.
I think I�m getting sick. Crap. My lungs are feeling raw and I�m somewhat congested. My co-worker Royce has the same thing. Oh yes, it�s what I always wanted. A chest cold in August. Yessirree! Nothin' like bronchitis or pneumonia to make you feel damn sexy!
I feel crappy today, although I slept well last night. The sleep clinic is sending me a new mask because it cracked. How embarrassing.
Man, I�m losing it. This morning this chick was in front of me in the car, and she wasn�t really driving, truthfully, unless you count her going 12 miles an hour and veering all over the road. Though her foot was lightly pressed on the gas, her eyeballs were checking out her hairdo in her mirror. Um, how can you drive and look where you�re going if your eyeballs are looking up and not straight ahead?
So, I hunched over the steering wheel, made sure she could see me in my best humpback mode and said loudly, �I�m eh MOoOR-an. I don�t knooow how to dwive!� Which is actually pretty funny if you have an audience. However, she wasn�t paying attention to me (even though the guy next to me in the Mustang) and I was in the car alone. I felt like a heel.
I got an email today from this really sweet kid on the USS Carl Vinson. I feel really sorry from him because he�s been out to sea for 7 months. That really sucks. I love those military guys, however this one is 19 so I�ll leave him alone.
Hell, is it over yet? It�s been a long week. Every week this year has been a long week. What�s up with that?
Why can�t things go well for once? Okay, I know I am very lucky, I don�t have a serious disease, I have all my limbs, and I make decent money and live in a decent neighborhood. I have a very healthy six-year-old daughter. I woke up today. I mean, I know I�m lucky. It just doesn�t feel that way lately though. Being positive has always been this innate trait of mine, and now, I�m finding myself looking down this deep dark abyss of �what ifs� and other uncertainties. Usually I wouldn�t even entertain the �what ifs�. Now, I�m considering them.
Some days, they are �when�s�. When is my life going to fall apart? When am I gonna lose it and hurt somebody who attacks me? When am I going to screw everything up royally? When?
I don�t want to be like this. My perspective on my own life is becoming very skewed. I don�t like myself right now. I really just don�t like my attitude. I�m becoming someone who doesn�t get excited about very much anymore.
Once upon a time, I was normal as I possibly could be. I forgot what that was like though. I don�t know anyone going through the same madness that I am at this very moment. It�s a very lonely place to be.
Once upon a time, I only got PMS once a month.
Once upon a time, I felt safe in my home.
Once upon a time, I was confident that pig-man was hidden away in jail for a long long time.
Now, I feel like I�ve had PMS for, like, forever. Ever since I found out about this DNA thing, I�ve been a royal witch on wheels. I cry about everything, and I�m on edge. I go from being really upset to emotionally numb. I�m not excited about my future in Victim�s Advocacy right now.
This whole situation has erased the wall of security I had built up around myself and my life. I am emotionally exposed.
Yesterday, Rambo (the original detective who worked on our case), called me to find out if I�d heard anything and by the way, how was I doing? No, I hadn�t heard anything, I replied, and for once, instead of saying, �Everything�s great�, I told the truth. I�m depressed, I�m anxious and this is torturing me. I can�t take it anymore.
In the middle of Sambo comforting me, who should come to my door but Uncle Barry, and now I�m really upset because I don�t let any of my family know how much this is really bothering me; and my cheeks are bright red signifying emotional upset.
Someone�s got to be strong.
So, on the verge of tears, I promise Rambo I will call if there�s any news. My uncle Barry is standing there very worried, and he tells me, �Honey, you�ve just got to forget about this.� I say, �How do you forget that someone tried to kill you and your sister, and then murdered your mom?� To me, it�s not the same as forgetting, say, your cousin�s birthday, or forgetting to return movies to Blockbuster. I mean, it�s something very hard to forget.
He tells me I�m torturing myself. I say, �No HE R. Lincoln) is torturing me�, and I was just sobbing all over him. I�m not as eloquent in moments like these. What I meant is, the memory of him is torturing me. This man did unspeakable things, how am I supposed to forget this? And by �forgetting� I think people really mean, �suppressing� which is emotionally unhealthy anyway. I need to deal, is all. I�m just not sure how. And if I do deal, and shed this sorrow and anger, what will be left? I have lived underneath the umbrella of being victimized for so long, that I�m not sure I�m going to like who�s left.
I was talking to Salsalita about it. She told me I have a lot of repressed anger that I need to get out. I mention that there are times that I can�t tap into it, because I�m numb. And the times that I am flooded with anger about it, however I can�t act on it by screaming and acting like an embicil. I�m at work, or in the courthouse, or I�m on the phone with someone but my daughter is listening.
Counseling. I hate counseling. But I have to go.
I love Salsalita so much. She has been so patient with me. When I�m bitchy, she ignores me. When I cry, she comforts me. When I fart, she calls me on it. Just kidding. Yesterday, I�m knowing she�s got drama of her own, but she sat there and listened to me cry without saying anything trite or hurtful.
2:09 p.m. - 2003-08-07
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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