I am extremely disoriented right now. If I think too much about the life I left behind, the good life anyway, I feel panicky. Though I have been in Kansas for over a month, there are times I look around and everything seems so foreign.
I was telling Lisa, I have these moments where I freak out and ask myself: "What have I done"?
I know there was a purpose for leaving my life in St. Louis behind...but I fail to see it right now. The "What if's" plague me a lot these days.
It's important that I try to stay busy. It's not that hard to do. Downtime is hard to come by. There's a lot to be done when you move to a new place.
Even I underestimated it all.
The end of the relationship with David was traumatizing. I sort of knew that we would not make it. But I was fooling myself by thinking it would be easier than it was to leave him.
Leaving someone you love is never easy. I thought because he was such an asshole that it would be simple to end it.
Unfortunately, it took three tries to get my stuff from St. Louis to here. My dad's vehicle caught on fire on the way out of St. Louis and we had to tow everything back to my old apartment. An old apartment I'd lived in for 6 years and the last year and a half of it with David. Being back at that place when I was sure I'd left made me feel like shit.
Dad and I decided to load up my car with the essentials and come back and get my stuff when we had more resources.
My dad's first trip to come get my stuff resulted in him breaking down in Columbia, Missouri. The vehicle he was driving was not even drivable, so he had to leave it there.
The last trip was made possible because Dad's friend reserved a u-haul in St. Louis for us. We should have done this in the first place and I even asked my dad from the beginning if I should save money for that. But he felt he could get all my stuff on this trailor he had. Of course we all know Dad's van caught on fire and that was towing the trailor. So when we left, Dad's van and the trailor were sitting in St. Louis at my old apartment.
The U-haul was a godsend. Unfortunately, my dad is an old man and even though he is strong he is not capable of moving a lot of furniture on his own. I had to have David's help. I was not happy about that. But I did not know anyone else who could help load the u-haul. So David and his friend Shawn helped my dad load the u-haul.
Of course, seeing David made my emotions go in turmoil. My stomach was in knots the entire time. Of course the whole time we were loading the u-haul he was taking phone calls from these skanks he was talking to.
Even though my heart was hurting and I was sad, he seemed to move on with no problems at all. It made me feel shitty to know I was nothing more than a blip on his radar. He had already pretty much written me out of his life without a thought and the only reason he was helping my dad was because I lied and told him I'd pay him for the help.
I know people think that I shouldn't have given it another thought, leaving him and all, but I did love him very much. The truth of it all was that he was abusive in so many ways and even up until the last trip to get my stuff I was still emotionally wrapped up in him and even hoped we could someday be friends.
I was fooling myself.
In all reality David was not even worth my tears. Even as a human being, David could offer me nothing I couldn't already do for myself.
When I left the last time, with the u-haul in tow, I cried. Maybe it's because on some level I knew that this was really it. That there was going to be no more life there in St. Louis and no more David.
The farther I got away from the city and him the better I felt. I'd be lying though if I didn't acknowledge the undercurrent of panic I felt. I was scared.
My things went into storage at my brother's house and Jackie and I went to live with my cousin and her husband.
During those first few weeks, I wanted to just break down and lose it. But I couldn't afford to, because I was so busy trying to establish myself and find a job.
I couldn't get enough sleep. I didn't realize how much stress I'd been under until I was no longer under it. There was a lot of stress to find a job but I wasn't stressed about a man blowing up and terrorizing me and my daughter.
I don't really know where my mind was those first few weeks. I was on autopilot. I occasionally talked to David, but it was fairly obvious to me that he was just talking to me because he was curious about what I was doing and where I was, not because he really cared.
It was sort of then I realized that the man had NEVER given me emotional support, something that is integral to a strong relationship.
We had a fight, and he threatened me over the phone, and that was the last time I spoke to him.
Then some things went down at my cousins and her son got sick and was hospitalized with appendicitis. Jackie and I had to leave and we were on my brother's mercy.
So Jackie and I came to live with my brother and his wife and their three kids. I really respect my brother for seeing that Jackie and I were in a bad situation and taking us in. He is really a good guy. Yeah, I sort of think he is a bit old-fashioned and I get irritated by his bluntness. But his heart is true and he gave me and my daughter shelter when we had no where else to stay. So I am indebted to him.
Jackie and I have done a lot of new things since coming here. I have lots and lots of fun meeting my family here that I haven't seen since I was a baby or since NEVER. I feel the love that they all have for each other.
And yet in these little moments I panic. I panic a lot. I am not good at change. I don't do change well. I have picked up and moved to a new place three times in my life. It just seems that the older I get the harder it is.
It is hard to not feel guilty about the predicament I put me and my child in. I have totally changed our lives.
This is all so weird.
I know there is hope..hope for a new future. Things ARE looking up for us. If I could just stop over-thinking everything, I'd be much happier. But the overthinking is causing me to feel manic and I hate that.
I'm just disoriented. It's weird. Will I ever stop feeling freaked out about this whole thing?
I hope.
10:00 am - November 04, 2007
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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