Friday night:
My internet connection is in the shitter right now..so I am making good use of my time. Right now I am downloading all my photos to a cd. I never knew how many I had�geez.
I�m copying them to a cd because we have been gifted with a two year old Compaq pc. Seems Jackie�s friend CW�s grandpa bought the computer for him and since CW is moving back to Texas this summer�they no longer have use for it.
We are happy to get a new computer..because no matter what I do..this one still runs extremely slow. I thought DSL was supposed to speed things up but my computer still takes a while to load pages. CW and his gramps told me this new one runs extremely fast. I am already pleased. The monitor is NICE..and it is big. I�m so happy that on my off days where my vision is blurry I�ll still be able to read it. He has also given us this really neat thing that you can plug in your memory cards from cell phones, cameras and MP3 devices and it goes straight into the computer. No more messing with my ports on my pc.
My car is a piece of shit. It is true. This is what I get for buying American. It kind of pisses me off that AGAIN my car was in the shop the last two weeks and this time they had to go ahead and replace the short block. In short they billed my extended warranty almost $4500 and put in a new engine part. I don�t know what the hell a short block is but I know the car wouldn�t go anywhere without it. I�m assuming it�s a major engine piece.
So we get the car back last week with all sorts of recommendations about what needs to be done to it now. I sort of thought they were blowing smoke up my ass with all that..but I drive the car today and it died on me twice. What bullshit. This car is only two years old.
Dave is taking the car to Dobbs Monday to see if they can figure out why the fucking car runs so rough and why it dies when I put it in reverse. This is so sucktacular.
So I will be driving David�s mom�s car again next week. I am so grateful to her for everything she and Dave�s dad have done for us. They have paid the deductible every time we�ve had it in the shop and besides they have let me drive her car. This is huge because them having one car means Dad has got to get up early, take ma to work, come home..sit around for 45 minutes..then go to work himself. Repeat at the end of the day.
You know..I had some reservations about David�s mom when I met her and when we were first together. She seemed sort of bossy and opinionated. But it turns out she�s really just human like me and best of all..she treats me like her own daughter. I have gained a family through David. I spend more time with them than my own family.
His parents have helped us out so much since I got laid off. I have never been able to bring myself to ask for any help at all but Dave has no issue so when we are in a bad spot he will ask�but most times..his mom just helps me out without someone even asking. The last month she paid for my Geodon, which is almost $200.00..and I have to have that medicine�I really don�t know what I would�ve done. It�s hard to go from being self-sufficient for years and suddenly be at the mercy of others. This has all been a lesson in humility.
I have an embarassing confession to make. My pictures are lacking. When Lisa and I had it out in December, I deleted most of my pictures of her. We have taken none since except for pictures I took of her boys. The only pictures that remain are on my external hard drive and were taken a few years ago.
It�s sad to look back on those times and realize we had only a year or two left in our friendship. I would�ve never dreamed back then that Lisa and I would split ways eventually.
I try not to dwell on what happened..but I can�t help but be angry. D reading my diary sort of pissed me off..not because I was "caught", because my diary is MY diary and I can write what I please. I am upset because someone I would have never given my diary info to was reading it. I understand why Lisa gave it to her but I wouldn't do that to her...
You are supposed to be able to talk about personal stuff in a diary without sharing it with the world.
She wouldn�t have known how to find mine except Lisa told her I was talking about her. I don�t care if I was talking about the President..you don�t give out someone�s diary information. �all this anger is getting me nowhere.
I have been really clumsy this past week. I fell out of my chair twice today and last Friday I walked into the construction trailer and tripped and fell on my face. What a way to make an entrance�.
I have been avoiding the guy that pissed me off last week. The one with delusions of grandeur? Yeah, him. People say he�s changed a lot since he�s moved into a power position. I worked with him 4 years ago but I don�t remember him being like this. I just stay out of his way and do my job and hope to not incur his wraith.
My sister Melinda keeps calling me telling me that she�s having visions or impressions of a woman being abused. She implies it is me..which is laughable. I�m not being abused in any way shape or form by David. I have repeatedly told her all she ever needs to worry about is me doing something to him if he�s ever stupid enough to hit me. This is unfounded though because he�s not the type.
I imagine it is my sister Renee who is going through some shit right now. I haven�t heard from her in a while and I feel there is a lot she is not telling me. We have grown apart in the last year or two and I just hope and pray she�s not talking to her ex-boyfriend again. He stalked her for YEARS and the law did nothing but give him a slap on the wrist. It used to upset me a lot that she�d give in to him and go back to him even after getting a restraining order. But then she got back with her husband and that was the last she heard from the stalker..as far as I know. She keeps asking me to send Jackie to visit and I am just leery of her going up there. I am not sure it would be a healthy environment for Jackie. Renee tends to rent some pretty old houses without regard for their environmental issues (a bad septic tank, shitty AC) and she has cats. I do not want Jackie to have an allergic reaction and me be five hours away from her.
My niece Kayla wrote Jackie and said something about her and my sis and the other kids coming up to visit before Jackie goes to her Dad�s. I just do not know if I can do it for longer than a few days. My nephew stays up until 2 or 3 in the morning and it seems my sister is not compelled to get him on a schedule. He is 3 years old. It is far past the time that this boy needs to be in bed at a decent hour. With me working..I would feel might pissed if I heard screaming and crying all night long because he was not wanting to go to sleep. Plus..her kids absolutely destroy my apartment every time they visit. When they leave..stuff is always broken or missing..and I have to now pay for repairs at this apartment. I just don�t know. I want to see my sister..but I worry about those things. Plus..I�m not really sure how Dave and my sister will get along. She is mean and proud and has a really big mouth in addition to being really opinionated. I just worry she�d start some shit with David. If it�s anyone that can cause a fight it�s her. She�s ran off more than one guy because she didn�t like something about him. While I feel she�s not going to have a chance of running off David..those two might have words..and that worries me. She thinks nothing of hitting a man�and he�s the type you don�t want to hit anyway. He�s never done it here but his mother told me the last time someone hit him he destroyed a few things. That was YEARS ago..I�m talking a decade. Some guy that was a friend of his brother�s was staying with him and his parents. The guy and Dave got into it and the guy hit David over the head with a shovel. Well..a tussle ensued and before it was all said and done there was a hole in the wall where the guys head went through and the front door was off it�s hinges. David is a big boy�a big, big boy. He�s got a temper like mine and my sister�s. Oh boy.
Saturday�.
The internet is still screwing up.
So I lit some heavy duty candles a few days ago. A healing candle. A seven day multicolored candle..which I dressed with protection oil. And the �almighty helping hand� candle which I dressed with the Helping Hand oil. I also put out some of my money mixture and my psychic ability mixture. I have slacked off due to a lack of money in recent months�but it always seems when I finally do the work I get results. Right now I need a good-paying job with benefits. I�ve applied everywhere and have posted my resume on Monster..but I have not had but a few bites. One..turned out after my careful research that it�s basically a scam. Yeah..you�ll make money for working at this insurance company but you�ll put in 60 hour workweeks and won�t get paid for a couple of months. No thanks. I declined.
It�s kind of nice to not be able to compulsively check my email and my myspace pages. I always think today will be the day I hear from Lisa with a �fuck off� or even something nice. Nothing. It�s disappointing.
I just hope Lisa realizes what she�s doing. She�s a grown woman. She can deal with it. I am her only friend that knows the WHOLE story about her and her husband..and I�d never betray her by talking about it here. But I worry she won�t confide in her newer friends and she will end up feeling alone.
Take it from me..not having anyone to tell EVERYTHING to is hard. I have made new friends in recent months but I do find that it is a bit hard to acclimate myself with new people. For one..you sort of have to have the back story to know the whole story..and it�s a pain to do that again. If you don�t give someone that back story then when they form an opinion it will be flawed. It�s up to you to make sure they have all the info needed to form a validated opinion. It�s your responsibility to be completely honest.
I am trying very hard to present the �whole me� to my new friends. I don�t want to leave anything out or anything in question because that creates distrust when it slips that you left something out.
Of course I don�t have to deal with all that with my Navy buddies because they know me super well. You find out a lot about who a person is when they are in the military. It�s pretty character building to deal with everything that goes along with being in the military. Anyone who ever tells you it is easy is lying through their teeth. It�s not a career for just anyone. You have to have tenacity and integrity..and I�m sorry to say a lot of people don�t have either of those two traits.
My military buddies and I have known each other for around 10 years. That�s a long time to know someone when you are my age. Silvia is wow..the strongest woman I know. She put up with 20 years of BS in the Navy and thinks nothing of telling people to fuck off. She won�t change who she is for anyone. It doesn�t hurt to be 40, look 30 and be naturally beautiful. You go girl.
I am looking forward to going to see her this Spring or Summer.
I can�t wait!
Jackie is excited. There is a wrestling event in May. She is going with David and Bruce and Ethan..who is 5. This will be her first live event so she is stoked.
The Cheetah Girls are coming next March. I already told her that this will be her birthday present next year..so she is over the moon. She loves the Cheetah Girls.
Well..I am getting a little sleepy. I made chocolate chip pancakes this morning for breakfast. They are filling! I need to get up and move around and take advantage of David being gone all weekend. He has wrestling stuff this whole weekend. I am kind of pissed that the dope forgot to take out the trash. He has a one track mind about this stuff.
I don�t know if I mentioned it but David got me a new cell phone. I have a pink razor and I love it. Cingular is a bit cheaper than Sprint..so we should be able to pay this bill on time every month.
I love the phone but the camera feature on it sucks. I have noticed this with the razors. It looks grainy and sort of shitty.
Wow..this entry is 8 pages long. When I get internet back this will be a record entry I think.
You know..I don�t know if I�ll ever not feel a pang when I see stuff about babies on TV. Every time I see babies I think of Lisa and the fact that I am missing out on seeing her boys grow up. I believe they are almost 5 months old now. She locked up her baby home pages and of course her myspace is locked so I can�t see them.
You know�some days I want to be done with her, if only to not feel pain anymore. Other days I miss her so bad I can't think of anything else.
I am just grieving right now for her. It hurts to replay the last few years and think back to the day when she told me FIRST that she was pregnant and then called her husband. We were that close! What happened?
Life..unfortunately.
Later:
Taking a break from cleaning.
I had some weird dreams last night. I dreamed of people I love but haven�t talked to in a while, like my cousin Jackie and Lisa.
I don�t even remember what Lisa and I talked about..but things were normal.
Same thing with my cousin Jackie. I remember being so happy to see her in person. I regret that the last time she was in town I wasn�t able to meet up with her. It was a lack of communication on my part.
I also dreamed of �that house�. The house the murder occurred in. Someone had painted it blue..but otherwise it looked the same as it always has. Part of me wanted to enter the house in the dream but I was afraid. Maybe that symbolizes me confronting my own �ghosts�.
I also dreamed that Dave, Jackie and I lived in a bad neighborhood. Our apartment was many floors off the ground. I freaked out because I was scared to even go out on my balcony. I could see the police chasing people. It was weird.
I wish I could recall more of last nights dreams..but I can�t.
A week or so ago I dreamed of tornadoes. Those dreams..I�ve been having for years. They are always the same. Trying to find shelter with sirens going off everywhere. The last one I had..I sought shelter in many places until I realized they weren�t safe. A highway overpass. A room with a lot of windows. A home. Why I dream about twisters so much is beyond me..but I�ve been dreaming of them for years.
You�d like to think you�d be safe if only in your dreams..but I guess not.
5:29 pm - April 16, 2007
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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