I just deleted my whole entry on accident. Shit.
Yesterday was a bad day all around. I had a hard time falling asleep because I was gritting my teeth and nursing a horrible headache. I even got a cramp in my leg from being tense. I didn't want to talk to anybody, including David and Jackie. I was highly annoyed by the sound of their chewing. Yeah..I was in that bad of a mood.
Being honest on this blog is important because I am still trying to sort out the past and figure out where my future is going. I have great days (like today) and a few bad ones (like yesterday). I am not dwelling 24/7 on the end of my friendship. It just hits me at quiet moments or when I'm going to sleep. In other words...when I'm most vulnerable.
I am sad because when I always looked at my future she was next to me. Only now..she is not. I have a hard time reconciling that. I am accepting that this is the way things are and I am moving on. But I still wonder.
As I love L very much and I refuse to completely write her out of my life..I will probably be there if she ever changes her mind and gives this friendship another chance. However she is the most stubborn person I have ever met so it may not happen..which I am prepared for. At this point in my life I say "Your loss" because by giving up on something that was beautiful you are turning your back on possibilities. Good possibilities. But if you throw in the towel when times get hard maybe you ought to move on to something easier and it appears this has already been done.
I'm just stating the facts..I am not mud-slinging nor am I inviting people to invade my diary again and leave me a ton of notes when they're not even on my buddy list.
I refuse to censure myself for anyone. Got it?
Sorry..I'm not an easy person to love. It is just who I am. I never said this was going to be a picnic..so why are you surprised?
I have a terrible time turning my back on people. Maybe because people have done it to me all my life..is why I hate doing that to other people. It's almost always the other person that throws in the towel. Not me. I don't want to fail.
I never tried to run her life. I only tried to make it better. Where's my brownie points for that? Hmmm.
None of this makes sense when I put it all together..but when I dissect it I get a clearer picture. What is obvious and really I should know better..is that yes..I am a bit damaged. But who isn't? Anyone that's had a relatively easy life until their thirties is extremely blessed or lucky or even..sadly..sheltered.
Why did L treat me like I was some homeless smelly guy that just showed up and camped out in her backyard for like..forever? How come the last..oh...7 months I have felt like the uninvited guest that no one wants to sit next to because she stinks and talks to herself? Why do all your friends have to be alike? I like variety..myself. All of my friends are different with the exception of Silvia and Rene'..a woman and man respectively, who are mirrors of each other. They are the exception.
Did she not invite me into her life knowing that I came with a bit of luggage and baggage? She knew all of this stuff about me upfront before we got too involved..and yet now..it is suddenly what pushes her away from me. I have never claimed to be "ordinary"..because I'm not.
I am a survivor and I'm happy to say life did not get the best of me. But to think I'd come out unscathed is rather absurd. I was baptized through life by fire. That leaves a scar.
My friend N told me today that I'm a beautiful person. While I am not as "mature" as others my age, I am evolved emotionally and spiritually much more than most. That would not serve to make me feel better than anyone else. N's timing is immaculate..because what she said was balm to my soul. There is nothing wrong with me. I am human. My ex-friend is blind. She won't see for a while what we had. She only see's the night in our relationship. Not the numerous sunny days. Every relationship has periods of darkness..and to me...it is a testament to your love for another that you can come out of it and become closer. We always had that cycle..but this time..this time..the night stole in like a thief and snatched her from my life..right out from under me. Do I not have a say in this? I guess not.
I recognize that my periods of isolation and instability were detrimental to the relationship. I understand that my temper caused a problem. But I do not see why I wasn't forgiven.
I blame my Christian roots for making me think that I need that at all.
I have a right to my anger. To my pain. To my sadness. I deal with things differently than most people I know.
Obviously..this is the hallmark of the clinically insane.
Why..why..do I get emotional over things I have no control over to keep from happening? Like the stuff yesterday....I got emotional about it..because I felt that my co-worker was transported back 50 plus years to when segregation was the norm and people felt free and happy to call minorities filthy names. That whole dirty thing put me in the worst mood yesterday. I wanted to say something..anything..to soothe my co-worker..but in the end..I could say nothing..because I was paralyzed by shock and sorrow that people still insist on hating people instead of trying to love them first.
Man..I am tired. I work a lot of incredibly long hours lately. I feel like the days are a blur...the only thing I feel right now is tired.
Until tomorrow..
Me
P.S. Telling me I need to be moving on with my life and not talking about what happened is a no-no. This is my diary and I'll talk about what I want..regardless of who reads it. If you don't like it, feel free to not read it.
3:57 pm - April 11, 2007
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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