Someday I'll come to terms with all of this....it takes me a while.
I wanted to write a letter to Lisa..to put closure to it all....
I will miss her. I think about the beautiful things about Lisa. Her laugh, her smile, her beautiful eyes. I think back to everything we have shared in the past years. She was my sun many days. I think without her I couldn't have made it through some days. I always could count on a phone call or an unexpected visit to life my spirits. The precious thing was that she needed me as much as I needed her. I really did need her too. Times I thought I was going crazy...and I'd talk to her..and the anxiety would melt away.
As it is...things just got bad. We grew apart. Then the last year happened. I wish there were parts I could erase so I could live them again. I'd change so much. But you cannot change the past.
Life doesn't come with an instruction book. I've always sort of felt like an idiot savant..just bumbling through and always coming out on top. I was raggedy but I made it. It wasn't easy but I made it.
Most of my life..I felt like I was living in a world that was black, white and shades of gray. Lisa was a beautiful flower, a red rose. I could see her color. When everything else looked so dull..she had a brilliance. If anyone could make you feel better it was her.
Then..all the beauty came back into my life and I felt reborn. I wanted to share my enthusiasm and excitement with everyone. I came out of my shell. I changed a lot. I felt it was a good thing and I still do. I only began to live again a year and 4 months ago.
Yeah..I did crazy things. But have I ever been known to do normal things? So was it really that much of a surprise when I did things that were even nuttier? I was living..and I was happy! Couldn't people be happy for me instead of thinking I was going off my rocker?
So what. I pierced my boobs. I got tattoos. I started dating. I drove the highway. I gave blood. I got into a religion that fullfilled me..which she found funny by the way.
It just seems like Lisa didn't know what to do with me during that time. I could look at her and see her giving me that sideways look like "What the hell is she going to do now"?
I mean..you live your life being unhappy and suddenly..you learn how to be happy and want to take everyone along for the ride. Only..certain people are used to you being a victim and was used to you being that way. Whatever was it about my newfound independence that told Lisa I didn't need her anymore? I always did need her.
You know..this is the last time I'm going to speak about "D", unless she leaves me a comment that prompts me too..
This is not about D. Do I need to say it again? It's about what happened when she came into the picture.
Yeah..there is some elements that have to do with her, but I am not blaming her. I never meant to paint her as a horrible person. She is actually a real sweet, wonderful person.
My gripe is that I was replaced. It can be denied day and night but if you look back in my blogs..I always talked about Lisa. We were together a lot. If not we were talking on the phone. We spent time together. She was my first choice to call whenever any big news came up. Hell..I was the first person she told she was pregnant..even though I already suspected and had told her so.
We shared everything. When D came into the picture...it all changed. I don't mean that D did the changing. What I mean is..Lisa and her had this love at first sight thing going. I think I could've died passing a giant kidney stone at that time and Lisa wouldn't have noticed.
I guess I don't do well with change. This is not a huge revelation. People know this about me. It pisses people off. I'm sorry about that. It's just the way I am. I do not know how to cope with change.
So..to spell it all out..someone I felt was my best friend replaced me with someone much more appealing in every way. D is everything I am not. I always felt that I could not compete with her but I felt compelled to. Only..it never went past the compelling stage because I didn't have the time or energy to do that.
So..I mourn. I mourn the fact that I will never grow old with Lisa. I mourn the fact that if and when I ever get married she won't be there. I mourn that our kids will have to grow up without each other. I mourn that something beautiful is now something not beautiful.
It's like this...it is painful but necessary. I knew that I was unwelcome and unwanted and unneeded..so I ended it. I think that is self-preservation, not selfishness.
Something that was so beautiful...is dead and gone. Nothing can bring it back. I'm letting it go. Releasing it to the heavens.
Bye Lisa. You were loved by me.
Fair winds and following seas...
Me
10:20 am - March 18, 2007
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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