I'm going to be cleaning in a bit..but I wanted to sit down and write an update first.
I realize that I feel compelled to find fault with my relationship..if only because my society's standards..what we have is unconventional. Our relationship is not run-of-the-mill. There is nothing normal about two bipolar people having a relationship.
It seems when times get bad it's the first thing I question. Lately..things have been in the shitter so of course..I think...what can I do away with to make my life easier? I think about me and Dave.
I love Dave a lot. We both have our problems...his issues are a lot to do with his bipolar disorder. He just does not think the same as a person with no mental illness. Because of that I get pissed at him...because what makes sense to me is not making sense to him..and vice versa.
I laid awake in bed after he fell asleep last night and I just wanted to hold him. He has the most precious spirit and love for me. Dave has a great heart. He is very sweet.
I guess I feel like I'm missing out. But you know..I do not have the problems with him that some of my friends have with their men. It seems like even if I let go of him..I just trade one set of problems for another.
I still do not know what to do about him and Jackie. She just seems determined to make him leave. I have asked her 6 ways to Sunday why she wants him to leave..and it always comes back to the fact she wants me to never marry anyone and wants to be with me only. I guess this is something I'm going to have to deal with.
Something I was ashamed about yesterday..is I noticed that I get embarrassed when I am out with David sometimes. It makes me mad at myself that I would get embarassed at things I deal with at home without blinking an eye. His stutter..his habit of speaking too fast when he's nervous and the fact that he brings up totally irrelevant things when I am having a conversation with my mom.
Before I could catch myself..I told my mom.."Thanks for putting up with him at dinner"..to which she replied "Oh..he's no bother at all!" to which I then felt like a real asshole.
Why would I feel compelled to say something like that? David is just David. He's still a human being..and I guess lately I've been harder on him than anyone else. I always complain about what he doesn't do but I don't rave about what he DOES do..which is a lot. He is extremely helpful and resourceful sometimes...and I guess when I'm feeling negative I forget that.
I do not mean to say I have another child..in addition to Jackie. Basically..it takes a person who has love and patience to live with David. It doesn't mean he deserves to be loved any less.
Things are getting back to normal here..so I am feeling a lot better about everything. Jackie is with mom this weekend so I can get a little down time. I really appreciate that..because it seems like there never is down time. My house is always got either kids or David's friend Sean over. I think the last time Lisa visited was before the babies were born!
My daughter is growing up so fast! She's no longer my baby..she's almost 10 years old. Wow.
9:10 am - February 17, 2007
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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