I really don't want to write at all..I'm sort of having a bad day. This entire weekend..I felt like shit..didn't want to do shit..just generally...shit ruled.
Lisa and I worked everything out. How glad I am that I didn't write in this diary about what was going on. I wrote in a paper journal. I just now decided though that I don't even like that journal and what I wrote in it was painful.so I think I'm going to throw that SOB away.
I don't know what I'd do without Lisa. We have been through a lot of shit and I get really angry at her every once in a while..as I know she gets at me too...and you know..we have worked too damn hard at all of this to give it up.
I still need to work on how I show people I love them....
I think my ma is pissed at me. Jackie was maybe going to spend some time with her after Christmas but I never called ma. I feel bad. I got nothing to say in my own defense.
Christmas is over. I am glad. Too much stress..every freaking year. And I'm that girl that starts preparing in August!
David and I have had almost 3 months of relative good things going on but the last 3 days he's been driving me apeshit. One of the glorious symptoms of bipolar disorder is obsession..and he has run the gamut of things to get obsessed about since Christmas. First it was trips to the "Adult Bookstore"..and he ran hella gas out of our car. I'm surprised they didn't make him a friggin VIP as much as he was up there. When it became clear that I don't need smut on a daily nor weekly basis he moved on to spending mad cash on lottery tickets. Every time I sent him somewhere with money I didn't get any change back because the fucker spent it on lottery tickets. He still thinks he's gonna hit the bigtime. Lately it's been calling the bill collectors like they are his long lost love and making imaginary payment arrangements with them. The most recent thing is his newfound boner for a guitar. Dude has bad hand/eye coordination and he wants a guitar. Do I need to go there? When I said not just "no" but "hell no"..he sideswiped me a few days later and told me he was going to get Jackie a guitar. COOL! But then it became obvious that Jackie really doesn't want one so why buy one..and he hit the roof this morning.
I called the only person that understands him better than me.and that's his ma. Reaching out to his ma is hard but I had to have someone to talk to that would not be hard on Dave. This is not about growing up or letting go of a fantasy of being "Slash" from GNR. It's about the fact that when Dave's manic he gets obsessed and drives absolutely everyone in his orbit completely apeshit.
Ma sympathized. We realized however..that there may be no way to stop him so I'm just going to let him be alone with his buyer's remorse which should happen in about 5 days. It's not my credit..it's his..and I'm not paying for the bitch so this is totally his baby.
I love my boyfriend. I have not mentioned..we decided not to get married. I don't think David totally understands the concept of marriage and I am not one to want to be married and divorced multiple times before getting it right. I do understand that this is as good as it gets. I do enjoy my life with David and enjoy him as a person and have learned a lot from him. But I do not think he is capable of monagamy. I'm not sure he'd physically go out and cheat but then...do we ever have a guarantee?
As far as my job situation..it has not gotten better. I am so thankful for the ability to pay our basic bills but we are so tight right now and sometimes I worry about keeping the lights on and keeping food in the house. As it is we are late on a few things and if I don't update for a while it's because they turned off my internet connection for failure to pay the bill.
I know this is all temporary and I'm trying hard to stay positive. It just seems that my life is so stationary right now and I'm lacking a lot of the passion I had for life earlier in the year. I just do not exist in a place in my life where I feel good right now. So...I keep it to myself. I owed my diary and update however..so here it is.
2:15 pm - January 07, 2007
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
My profile
Archives
Notes
Diaryland
Random
RSS
others:
bluemeany
idontpretend
whinerwoman
flicka
kungfukitten
awittykitty
artofliving
thegrapevine
trancejen
chicagojo
ingridwrites
bettyford
myexodus
janie12975
vickithecute
drahmaqueen
ruachadonai
bipolarchild
thedetails
irisheyes70
sunshine0221
sallydallydo
allykitty5
dragprincess
tuckandsophi
taken-by-you
pajamamama
soulstyce
biodtl
thedevlyn
erianne1
jackprague78
r-y-r
nimiiwin
wifemotherme
boxx9000
poolagirl
marlen816
wilberteets
mom-on-roof
mpeacock
arianstar
thecrankyone
kayemess
amblus