Dear God...I really need your help. My diaryland friends..I really need your prayers.
It�s becoming apparent really quickly that I still have trust issues with men. I think I have been in denial for a while about the fact that there are still some hang-ups that I have.
Namely�with David. I trust David with my life and I trust David enough to live with me..and I trust him enough to let myself love him. However..I still have not gotten over the fact that men I have loved deeply have both cheated on/and/or left me.
Even though..I have tons of lady friends on diaryland that I consider �good friends��in real life..in the tangible life..I have..on one hand�an ability to count the number of females that I really, really trust. One being my cousin Jackie..the other..my best friend Lisa. I trust those two infinitely. Going further..there is my friend Silvia and my friend Belinda..neither of whom I�ve seen in 5 years..but who I still talk to and love deeply.
Other than that..I really do not trust women. I especially do not trust women around a man I�m involved with. While I acknowledge the man�s equal responsibility in the past cheating incidents..I have always expected women..since we are a sisterhood of sorts..to be the bigger person and just not do it. However..it has been women I have trusted that have betrayed me. When men have betrayed me..it was a dull shock. A deep hurting shock. But when it was a woman I loved..confided all my secrets to..trusted..it was a sharp stabbing piercing shock.
With my first real boyfriend (of 4 years) Nick..he cheated on me with my best friend of over 4 years. I lost them both on the same night..which was an atrocious awful thing�because I decided I didn�t need either of them anymore.
With Uranus�it was a girl I spent a lot of time with..had a budding friendship with..who smiled to my face..and who also told me I was too good for him.
I don�t know.
With Rene�..the other woman was this family he�s involved with. They are of no blood relation but they are as good as related to him..as much as they are involved with his life and as good as they are about ejecting any woman Rene� loves from his life.
I got tired of competing with them. It really was a competition�you see..because Rene� would mention he had plans with me and always, ALWAYS, they had something important come up. Sometimes..it wasn�t even that important..and it could have waited�.but he chose them over me EVERY SINGLE TIME.
So..now..I have David. Here is where I confess my dirty rotten thing that I did.
I downloaded a free keylogger onto my computer. It is invisible..only I knew where it was and could access it..and I used it to spy on David�s internet activities. It was low..it was rotten..and I sure as hell did it. And over two months..the man has not done a single, solitary thing that was out of line. Why did I keep doing it? I still don�t know.
But then..the night before last..thanks due to the awful side effect of vivid dreams from the antibiotic Biaxin..I had a very real..very vivid dream that David was leaving me for another woman. In my dream..he brought her into our house..and he was so cold..and I was so hurt..and I was sobbing. I woke up sobbing. See..dreams like that really affect me. I had to reach over..make sure he was still there..and then wake him up and tell him about it. When I asked him if he was staying..he said �Of course�.
Well..the dream was over..but the paranoia bled into my day. I hadn�t checked his online activities in days..and I waited until he was gone..and logged on to the keylogger.
There�s a chick..on his yahoo list..a girl he�s been friends with for over a year. I�ve talked to her before and I�m okay with her. But he had a conversation with her about going to the Motley Crue/Aerosmith concert that we�re going to in October. He was quoting the lyrics from �She Goes Down� and I was immediately offended.
I was offended because the lyrics are sexual in nature and discussing ANYTHING sexual with someone other than your best friend (same sex) or with your significant other is just TABOO in my opinion.
Obviously..he doesn�t share the same opinion.
He called me from his mom�s to tell me he was coming home. I confronted him about the issue and we had an hour long row about it. He was upset..and rightly so..that I was monitoring his internet usage. I was upset that he was having an inappropriate conversation.
I finally confessed about the keylogger. He was mad..but I explained to him why I felt compelled to do it..and I apologized. But I also asked him to refrain from having those types of conversations with anyone anymore. Even though he felt he was doing nothing wrong..he had hurt my feelings.
It�s just another thing that we had to deal with and move on.
We are okay now.
Speaking of betrayal..it has come to light recently that a woman I�ve been �friends� with, since October secretly hates my guts. This..should not have been a surprise. Most women are sneaky, sly creatures..but I didn�t think this girl was like that. I really liked her..and cared about her life..and liked talking to her..and thought that she had my back..as well as me having hers.
So..basically�.she doesn�t like me. The only reason I found out is because a very good friend..Channie..told me what this girl had been saying about me behind my back. But the biggest advice Channie gave me is that that girl..is not my friend..doesn�t have my best interests at heart..and can�t stand me.
It was news to me.
This girl smiles to my face..invites me to parties..emails me at home. But things all started to make sense when Channie took me aside and gave me the lowdown. The most telling factor is that when this chick..we shall call her Trifling�smiles at me..the smile never quite reaches her eyes. Have you noticed that when a person is smiling at you but they don�t want to be..they don�t show teeth and their eyes don�t smile either? Yeah. That was big.
But then..after Shannie told me that..I played it cool and started watching Trifling while at work..and I noticed that she spends a lot of time making other people look bad.
She�s offended at least one person..by telling him that when management changes�and SHE�S (ha) in charge..that he�s on his way out to go work in a different area. She�s talking to a man that�s worked at my job 20 plus years..while she�s been there less than a year.
I used to care so much what she thought..and I cared so much about what was going on in her life. She�s been through a lot and so have I..so I thought we had an understanding going. But now I realize..she�s stabbed me in the back..on numerous occasions..and I was just too oblivious to catch on.
Now..I don�t care if she likes me or not. And when the time comes..I�m going to come out and ask her if she has anything she wants to tell me. Who knows what will come out? But I bet it will be buttered up and syrupy and exactly what I want to hear.
So sad.
I�ll never understand how women can do that to each other. Here..since I�ve found out this..I�ve not been overly friendly.. But it is sad. Because I was able to be cordial..and she was not.
I�ll never know what it was that I did that made her despise me so much. But I do know this much..I am a wonderful person with a kind heart. I really do care about people around me. If someone doesn�t like me..it really is there problem..not mine.
Maybe she is just miserable and wants everyone else to be. I have no idea what motivates her meanness and hatred. What�s sickening..is so many people see her one way..and now I see the real her..and it is sad..and very ugly.
9:33 am - August 03, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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