If it weren�t for this serious sinus headache I might be in an awesome mood today. The mold count is hovering right around 25,000 and the humidity is high..and temperature outside is above 90..thus my sinus cavity swells..thus the headache.
I�m glad Jackie is in Oregon right now..because if she was at home..she�d have to be inside. That would suck. Her asthma is the determining factor in her outdoor activities during the summer especially.
Thursday�.I got engaged! I am so thrilled! Yes..it all seems to happen so quickly but it�s not like he�s rushing me...it�s that things are progressing...and we are going with the flow. We have not set a date and will not set a date until Jackie gets back�I want to make sure they gel�before making any plans.
Dave is an awesome guy...and I love him. There are just so many precious things he does for me...that I can not name them all...that touch my heart and stir my soul. David woke something up in me that I thought was dead...and that was...the ability to love and cherish and TRUST any MAN ever again. I just did not think I was capable of ever letting my guard down with another guy�not with all the wrongs men have done me...not with all the cheating I�ve had to deal with. Not with..the events of the past two years..which wounded and strengthened me at the same time�not since the beginning of that descent into hell a couple years ago dealing with the case.
I never saw today. Today being..a day where I�m not haunted by what happened to me..a day where guilt doesn�t determine my every move..a day where I possess 5 piercings and two tattoo�s..a day where I�d not only have a guy in my life but that I am engaged to him..a day where I can truly be a mom without the preoccupations I had in the past. I have a man LIVING with me..where..a year ago..I wouldn�t even let one in the front door!
I never saw today. If you told me a year ago I�d be in this place..I�d never have believed it.
You know..with all the guys I�ve dated since Rich (who I dated immediately after my divorce 6 years ago)..I had only gotten past 2 dates with one guy. That was Rene�. I just picked them apart until they were heaps of useless nothing and potential pain and then I discarded them. Terrible..I know. But I was protecting myself.
Protecting me was such a full time job. I for YEARS felt I was in mortal danger of being murdered just like my mom...so I kept men away. Dating was for amusement. I amused myself in many ways with men. But I also did not let them in. Letting them in meant possibly getting hurt and feeling vulnerable�so I just didn�t do it.
Somewhere...in the midst of that paranoid state...I realized...that yes...I had protected myself and my daughter...but I was also lonely. I realized that in order to not be lonely..I had to venture out and meet people. By then though..I had a full on social phobia. So I was lonely and miserable..and ultimately protected..but ultimately alone also.
I lived for 4 years in the knowledge that I was missing out on so much. With every passing season..it became more painful and obvious how much I was missing out on.
But I also knew that I had some serious issues to deal with before getting in another relationship�so I began to work on that.
Life changed so much for me last September. I started therapy in late September or early October. When I first begun therapy..I could not see a way out of my problems. I was scared of absolutely everything, frozen in fear, bound by guilt, shackled by regrets and depressed as hell.
Little by little though..I began to challenge myself. I think the first thing I did was get on the highway. That was so scary to me. And yet now..it�s my preferred way of traveling. I pierced my nose next. I began talking to guys again. I began to work on my relationships and to realize what was healthy and was not. I confronted the issue of the physical, sexual and mental abuse I endured, which was a huge and monumental undertaking. I faced everything head on.
Of course..we all know the rest. I started dating in March. I gave blood (yet another phobia confronted). I got my tattoos and other piercings.
In so many ways..I have proclaimed victory in my life. I have to come to value the most important things above all others...my daughter, life itself, oxygen, flowers, blue skies, storms�my loved ones...and being fearless.
Therapy allowed me to acknowledge what happened to me and validated my pain. It gave me a license to accept it and move on. Sometimes I felt I would have been doing the memory of my mother a disservice by letting go..but now..I realize..if I am happy..if I live free..if I thrive..I am only doing a service to the memory of my mother. I am living life the way she would if she had a chance to be here on Earth with me.
The best thing I can do�as a mother..is to nurture and love my daughter unconditionally. I am going to strive to be a great mom. I don�t mean..being the perfect mom..I mean..being a good mom who my daughter can come to with her problems. Sometimes..I know I�m lacking.
I mean..making good sound decisions about Jackie�s life and well-being. Truly putting her..instead of the ghost of 1982..first in my life.
I admit..because of MY issues..as much as I love my daughter..she was not always first. I love her more than anyone in the world..but sometimes..I could not see her..because my vision was clouded by memories. That hurts�I know it must�ve hurt her too.
The best thing I can do now..is to apologize and make right. I�m sad it took me having to change my life to see what was horribly wrong in it..but I am proud that I did see the areas where I need work.
Jackie is growing into a young lady. I am so proud of the person she is. She is independent, strong, giving, loving, sweet, intelligent, funny, witty and smart. Not to mention..the most beautiful creature on the planet. I just adore that child.
I�m going to try so hard to make sure she gets what she needs from me, school and life. All I can do is guide her though..and leave the rest up to her and God. They�ll figure it out.
As far as Dave..I realize he is not perfect. But I realize I�m not perfect either. When you love somebody..you have to determine if you can deal with certain things in order to keep a relationship working. Whether they be small faults or a major issue. Things I have not and will not compromise on: alcoholism and substance abuse, physical abuse or domestic abuse of any kind�legal trouble. Mostly�just because that stuff scares me. I�m not being judgemental..I�m just wary of those.
Dave doesn�t seem to have any anger issues nor has he any of the other issues.
Don�t get me wrong though�he has issues. One of them is serious. He ALSO has bipolar disorder. We both have it. But his is being managed and so is mine..which is good. He has been stable for years and so have I. I did find out that when he is having issues with his bipolar..he gets depressed. I know what to watch out for..I guess. I also get depressed when I�m having a problem with my bipolar.
I feel like we really understand each other. I love it.
Silly little things about men..that I had forgotten about�the messes they make..their inability to pick up something dropped on the floor�the toilet lid being up..all stuff I�m willing to put up with.
I have to say�it is so nice..to have him there to talk to and to do stuff with. We laugh like idiots..and he thinks I�m funny..which is important to me since I take my �comic relief� role very seriously.
My sleep disorder doesn�t even freak him out. I have done some things to him and he hasn�t even batted an eye. Although..it makes me very upset what I did to him the other night.
I guess he was laying next to me on the bed..and I was asleep. He wrapped his arms around me..and was touching my face and the side of my neck (aww..I almost cried). Me..in my weird sleep cycle..got very VERY hostile with him and asked him what the �F� he was doing! I woke up as I was saying that and did not recognize that cold, mean voice coming from me! I don�t believe I have ever spoken to someone with such venom!
He explained to me..the next day..that he was just trying to hold me but somehow I interpreted it as an attack of some kind. I do remember when I woke up when I was talking to him that I was not really scared once I woke up.
It just goes to prove that there is one part of me that never sleeps..and that�s the 7 year old girl inside. Why do I always feel I have to protect myself? I know inside that I am safe with David and he makes me feel so warm and soft and safe..and yet..when I go to sleep..the hypervigilance still occasionally kicks on. It is frustrating.
But all frustration aside, it�s nice to have that beautiful (freaking gorgeous) ring on my finger..but it�s even nicer to be able to say I think I�ve found what I�ve been looking for�my whole life. I can say now that I�m with David for the right reasons�because I want to be..because I love him..because he makes me happy..because I deserve to be happy..because I think he�ll make a great step-dad..because he respects me and treats me well..instead of the old reasons I had for being with a guy. My old reasons came from fear and jealousy and one-upmanship. Totally not my style anymore.
Grinning from ear to ear..
Melissa
2:31 pm - July 17, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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