I have been in a weird place lately. Not in a bad weird place, but a weird place nonetheless.
I am finding myself without a direction. Yes, I am inspired..but now that I no longer fear that murdering pig, now that I no longer relive the murder on a constant basis, now that I no longer live in fear, now that I have faced everything that�s daunted me�..well..I wonder what I am going to do now.
I know I still want to pursue a criminal justice degree. I know that I want to deepen my relationships. I know I am ready to love a man and be loved. I know I want to be a better mother.
I�m just not sure how to do it.
While I�ve been absent from my usual diary and friends..I have been exploring new avenues and emotions and experiences. I have actually stepped out of that self-imposed bubble, and I�m living life like I�ve been reborn.
When you do what I�ve been doing, you are sort of free-falling (which is something I�d like to try). You have a little fear and don�t know what to expect. But all the same..it is exciting.
And yet now..I need to come back to earth. How shall I live a happy life and still be a realist? How can I temper the optimism with a little healthy pessimism? And how can I keep the pessimism from turning into negativity and from establishing a firm hold in my life ever again?
I sort of feel absent from my body�.living in the moment. And yet I feel very present in my body too. I am experiencing new sensations and discovering that the numbness that once covered me is gone.
Without the protection of the numbness..I am vulnerable in so many ways. I feel pain now. I do not self-harm anymore. Probably a 5 months ago..the last time I did..I felt it. I no longer want to harm myself or do anything that would punish me..because really, I am not a bad person. I am realizing that yes..bad things happened to me in the past that I cannot control..nor..can I ever take it back. But I can control what I do now with life. I can either let it run over me or I can run over it..wring every bit of excitement and emotion out of each moment..and at the end of my life..die with no regrets.
I do not want to regret ever again. I spent much of my life in regret. It no longer has a place at my table. It is not welcome anymore.
Other things that are not welcome: self-hatred, negativity, fear, low self-esteem, self-doubt��
Things that are welcome: love, respect, dignity, strength, honor, honesty, reliability, sanity, serenity, laughter, fearlessness, faith, hope�..and of course, the love and friendship of those around me.
I am dedicated to nurturing my friendships and other relationships. I am working very hard at letting people know how much I love and appreciate them. My friends are a little overwhelmed at times..because I am quick to say I love you..
My favorite animal has always been the seal. Because of it�s life in water, the fluidity of it�s movement, the ability to provide for itself in the wild, the beauty of it�s coat..the gentleness.
Another reason I always loved the seal was because the seal was because I knew about the dangers. People want to hurt and kill it for their own means. I often felt life wanted to do the very same thing to me. That I did not stand a chance.
I no longer feel endangered, or hunted, or unsafe. Unbelievable..how quickly your life can turn around.
1:47 pm - May 04, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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