I am depressed today.
I told him I would not write about him....out of discretion. But I will not name his name..nor will I say where I know him from.
But this is my diary..and I need to talk about what's going on. Plus, this diary is locked..so it's not like what I'm talking about is going to be general knowledge.
If it's anything I've learned about dating..since I started a month or two ago..is that you should not rush things.
I rushed with Matthew..and scared the crap out of him.
Now, there is M.
I have went out on quite a few dates recently. Everything was peachy keen...until Friday.
I was just fooling myself, man.
Friday, I drove 120 miles away to meet M. On the highway, in road construction, in the pouring rain. Because..I just had to.
I really wanted to meet this guy.
We have spent weeks talking on the phone. We instant message. We chat.
A little about M. He is in his thirties, newly divorced..a brilliant guy. Works in a lab. Extremely high IQ. Quite unlike anyone I have ever met. A really fascinating person.
I thought that dating him would be exciting, interesting..but I wouldn't get attached. God knows..he is newly divorced from the antichrist..so boyfriend got burned. I know the burn well, because I got burned in my marriage as well.
On the way down..I was excited about spending time with him. I really had myself convinced though that he would just be a good friend, maybe a little more. That I would feel affection, but not much else.
No worries, right?
Only, I got there, and he opened the door..and I knew..things would change.
I will not write about what happened, out of respect for all involved..but I knew when everything was said and done that I had felt SOMETHING.
Still, I had a date scheduled for Saturday. Only, when it came time..I could not go through with it. I did not want to admit to myself why. I wondered to myself if I am a flake for backing out on a date.
And then last night..I realized for sure that I again..could not do it. Dating other guys feels wrong.
I still might date..but the guy would have to be really interesting for me to consider it.
The days of random dating may be over for a while.
I'm not sure I want to be with anyone else, which sucks..because I know M is not in the same place. I have no idea how he feels about me. He is not a man of many words.
And that hurts. And I know I'll get hurt in the whole process. But I'd rather know him a while then not at all, because he is special to me.
Why did I ever think that I could date and not get attached to anyone? Just my luck that one would do that to me..only...he's not in a place where he could even feel the same way.
It sucks.
10:37 am - May 02, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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