Something inside me is changing. It is happening every day. Each day I realize something new about my past or about me in general.
For the first time since 1997, I am truly happy. It is not �happy for you� or �happy for them� or �happy when crying inside�. It�s me being truly happy.
I think the happiness comes from my internal growth. The fear that shrouded my life for years has finally loosened its terrible grip on my life. I think going to a therapist gave me a license to concentrate on me and work on my issues.
The fear was so close and familiar and integral that it became the way I lived. I set low limits for myself and operated inside the perimeters that fear set for me. It�s easy to live inside a cloud of fear. Having that fear allowed me to tightly control my environment so nothing could intrude that would upset this tight little balance I had going on. But weeding out the bad things has also come at a high price. I quit challenging myself. I didn�t even do fun things because there might be some fear involved.
I quit meeting new people.
I quit reading books.
I became a hermit.
I never went off the beaten path.
So many things are changing for me now. First of all, I�m beating my fear of the highway. Most days, I take it home. It is crazy that I was so afraid before and not afraid now. I just turn up �Bittersweet Symphony� by the Verve or �Silent Lucidity� by Queensryche. Maybe even some Sting.
I decided one day last week that I wanted to go spit on my child molester grandfather�s grave. I got on the highway and got off the exit Bates, and drove almost all the way down, when I realized the road was blocked off on the railroad tracks and it was blocked off for blocks.
Still I made the move to do it.
I asked Mr. Sweatpants to take me soon. He knows the city inside and out, and he can find a way to get to the cemetery. I am going to go buy flowers for my mom and Grandma to take.
I think you all know I self-harm by picking at my skin. I finally decided my beautiful, olive colored skin had had enough pain over a lifetime and that I am going to start taking care of it. I bought some lotion at Bath and Body Works (Warm Vanilla Sugar) and then went online and ordered from Kiehls.com. I got some face wash and moisturizer. It�s expensive, but it�s also tailored to specific skin needs. I deserve it.
It got delivered yesterday. And after one use, my skin looks amazingly moisturized and clean. I heard that Kiehl�s has some of the best facial products out there. I heard raves about people�s skin clearing up tremendously after they started using it.
Now, I�m starting to pay attention when I pick. I say to myself, �What is making me do this?� and �Why am I putting holes in my beautiful skin?� I�ve noticed that since I�m doing the �Courage to Heal� workbook that a lot of emotions are surfacing and I�m picking more. But I�m becoming aware of doing it, and it�s actually starting to hurt, so I know I�m getting somewhere.
Rodn*ey�s parole hearing is April 19th. I will so be there. I�m not afraid of him anymore. But just in case, I went to the metaphysical store by my house and got a necklace blessed with oil to wear around my neck for protection. I�m also going this Sunday for a cleansing of all that negative energy. This is my first cleansing and my big sister the White Witch is so excited that I wonder if she�s going to pee on herself. You would think that I was a virgin and this is my first sexual experience.
She is so proud. I just smile when I think about it.
I need all the prayers and special rituals and candle�s lit that you all can send my way.
I want to say a special thank you to Erianne. She is one of my favorite people on diaryland. Yesterday in the mail, I received something she made me with her own to blessed hands. A handmade rosary. It�s my favorite color (blue, with blue beads and it has a silver heart and cross. I was so touched I wanted to cry. I will hang it on my rearview mirror for protection. I may even wear it in the parole hearing.
Thanks, Erianne. You really know how to make a girl feel special.
I heard Derwin got that letter. That�s right; his name is Derwin, not Darwin. He deserves to be outed as a child molester and child abuser.
He has that whole righteous indignation thing going on right now. How dare I challenge him?
How dare I stand up to him?
Hasn�t he always owned me and my thoughts and my every move?
Not anymore. You Derwin, are getting the middle finger right at this moment. You can kiss it.
I am not afraid of you anymore. I have removed your tentacles from my body and my conscious and unconscious mind. You no longer rule over me. I have my own kingdom now. But unlike you, I do not treat people like crap. I do not abuse. I do not exploit. I love instead of hurt people. I will never be a beast like you.
When I became a parent I worried I would be like you. But my worries are unfounded. I have a beautiful, sweet, innocent daughter who feels safe in my presence. She is not afraid of me. She is not afraid of the world. Yes, there�s times once in a while where I might use a familiar quip that you gave me when I rarely questioned your authority. But unlike you, I see the error of my ways and I apologize to her and make things right.
Most importantly, I taught her to say no. I taught her that her body is her own and no one else�s. I taught her that it is not okay for anyone to touch it in a way that makes her feel funny. I�ve taught her that if this ever happens she should get away and she should tell and that she should keep telling until someone listens.
I don�t hurt her. I respect a parent�s right to spank but in my case, it is too close to what you did. You didn�t just spank me, you beat me. You violated me. You brainwashed me. You belittled me. You beat me down until my soul retreated so far inside me that I couldn�t feel anymore.
I would never do that to a child.
So Derwin, you might�ve gotten away with it in this lifetime, but there�s always the next. Be rest assured, you�re going to hell or a place like it. I think hell is actually your worst fears come to fruition. May all your worst fears haunt you for eternity. You deserve it, you bastard.
10:14 am - February 16, 2006
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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