I am sort of having a bad day today. Something I don�t talk about a lot that is bothering me lately is the bipolar disorder diagnosis that I got 2 years ago.
I want so much to believe that I just have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and that�s it. But if you would spend some time inside my head you�d know something is amiss. Most of the time I feel okay, but lately, the last week, I�ve felt out of sorts.
Most days I lack any sort of motivation. Doing mundane things like going to the doctor and making appointments seem mountainous! I cannot focus for very long on doing anything, which explains why my sister M and my ma Cinders had to come over this weekend and spend 7 hours cleaning my kitchen, my dining room, my bedroom closet and Jackie�s room. I�m not dirty, I�m disorganized.
Okay, the refrigerator was in fact, filthy, but in my defense, Jackie constantly spills stuff in there. The latest was a bottle of honey. I kept saying I was going to clean out the fridge, but never got to it. There just might be a little ADD lurking around in my brain.
Anyway, I am usually easily confused.
I have my moments of clarity and I usually have those moments around other people. It�s in private that I suffer. When other people are around, I am distracted so the negativity is muted. So much that I can totally psyche myself into believing all is well.
I deceive myself sometimes�.I think and sometimes I even say out loud that I think I only have PTSD. I�ve told other people that too. But looking inwardly, I have to admit to myself that what I�m feeling right now is not normal.
So many crappy things have happened it my life that it grieves me to think that I must add this lifelong illness to my repertoire. I don�t want to accept this.
When I think of bipolars, I think of people that rapidly go from one mood to another. My progression is much slower than that. I don�t go from happy to sad, or elated to depressed. I usually go through a range of emotions and end up on the other side. It isn�t a rapid process. In fact, sometimes it takes months, which leads me to believe that it�s life that�s making me feel that way, not bipolar disorder.
Also, I rarely get hyper. Being fat, that�s hard for me to do.
I�ve always stayed at the lowest dosage of medication. Except when my physician titrated me from 2.5 to 10 milligrams of Zyprexa, the evil medicine that facilitated me gaining 100 pounds.
He eventually took me back down, and now I�m off it.
The magnificent weight loss I hoped to have? Never happened. I lost 4 whole pounds.
I�m on a low dosage now of the Geodon. I am afraid to ask my doctor to raise the dosage, even though I feel I may have to. Why? Well, have you ever read about the side effects of some anti-depressants and anti-psychotics? It is scary�shuffling of the feet, involuntary movement of the lips and mouth, facial paralysis, increased risk of diabetes and organ failure!! My favorite is hair loss. Yes, I used to have full thick gorgeous hair, but now, my hairline is receding.
Maybe someday I�ll find a medicine that doesn�t destroy what shred of self-esteem is left.
And the depression mostly stays at bay. Only once since my diagnosis have I considered suicide, and that was right after I started taking the Zyprexa. Some medications can actually cause suicide ideation to emerge. I know that to be true from research.
When I think of bipolars, I think of people that constantly suffer inner turmoil and require frequent hospitalization. And medications, even cocktails of them, don�t control the symptoms.
I think I have something similar to bipolar, but when I take those mental illness quizzes and questionnaire�s it says that it�s very likely that I do have the bipolar disorder.
I am sad.
So sad.
2:31 pm - November 21, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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