I don�t know what got me into such a mental state yesterday, but last night I was unable to control my racing thoughts. I thought of all sorts of dark things, and I was ashamed. It was almost 11 and I�d been lying in bed for an hour. I wanted to cry so badly, but I�m scared that if I start crying I may end up curled up in a ball somewhere in my house, and it could go on for days.
I wanted to call someone, anyone, but I didn�t want to worry anybody. I wanted to silence that little voice in my head that said, �No one would miss you if you died. Everyone would be better off without you�� I pushed that thought from my head because thinking that way is a bad idea.
I�m not suicidal. Nothing near it. But getting up and facing my demons day after day is so tiring. I cannot get closure and it is killing me. There seems to be no end to this pain. That skank K has no idea what life has been like for me. I wish she�d just realize that her sperm donor is a murderer and shut the hell up and stop causing me mental anguish. Wishful thinking, I guess.
My friend Julie commented that I am consumed by this. Yes, it is true. This whole bloody ordeal is eating at my soul. So much that I�m depressed again and finding it hard to get excited about anything. I don�t want to get up. I don�t want to go out. I don�t want to do anything.
I just want to eat until I�m stuffed.
I just want to cry.
I just want to scream.
I want to put my fist through a wall.
I can�t do anything like that with my daughter around. So I bottle it up. God help the stupid person who starts stuff with me. If it hits me right, I just might lose it. I don�t want to be that sort of person, but I am having a hard time harnessing this pain and anger. I feel so helpless. Sometimes it feels like I�m being victimized all over again.
I would never hurt a friend, or a family member, especially my child.
But Rodne*ey�s family better stay the hell away from me, that�s all I have to say. They�d better not try anything stupid.
But I feel like I�m heading toward a psychotic break or a nervous breakdown. I think I�ve come close to that before, when the whole Justice Department thing with Rodney happened, but I never actually went over the edge. But thinking about Rodney getting out makes my heart pound and there is rushing sound in my ears. I think I even had a panic attack last night.
I look over in the midst of my panic and see my precious daughter sleeping soundly. It quieted the monster inside me. The monster who rages that this world is NOT FAIR! That this life is NOT FAIR! That what happened to me is not fair! That the way the newspaper portrayed my mother is not fair. I am so damn angry!
The rage scares me.
Nothing but Jackie can quiet it.
My sweet precious daughter. I love you.
1:11 pm - October 27, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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