No beating around the bush, I was really depressed yesterday. All the people that have been put in place in my life to support me, well, I�ve sort of blocked them out. Rene� stopped by my desk to visit me yesterday, and I just sort of mumbled something about being tired. My cousin called me to see if I could go eat with her last night. I had already eaten but I could�ve gotten a soda with her or something. Yet I told her no. My ma, Cinders, called me yesterday and I haven�t returned her call. My friend Lisa invited me over, and yet I said no. My friend Angie from the Murder Victims Survivors board called me last night and I didn�t return her call.
I know I said I didn�t think I was bipolar, but now I believe I definitely have some tendencies. I�m starting to isolate myself again, which is scary, because that was the beginning of my nervous breakdown the last time.
I was so close to tears all day yesterday. There are just so many things in my life up in the air right now that I am overwhelmed. I am self-medicating so that I can sleep at night so I won�t lose it from being tired and anxious.
I am so mad at myself over so many things. I�ve had many opportunities to make things right in my life but yet I let it go and hoped the situation would resolve itself. Now here I sit, worried about my job, my future, feeding my child..and taking care of her and her asthma.
What the hell is wrong with me?
I told Lisa the other day that something needs to give. Either the article from Mizzo*u, the Midwestern Inn*ocence Pro*ject�s case and my job. I have faith that God will help me with all of these in his own time.
And yet lately I have so many days where I think I cannot deal with this uncertainty another day. I cannot foresee waking up again knowing that nothing has changed and I�m still stuck in limbo.
There is so much instability in my life right now.
The good thing is that I�m sort of healthy and I can walk and talk and see and hear. I do know how lucky I am.
Yet, I want more out of life. I�d like to continue to make a good living. I�d like to continue to pay off my bills. I�d like to make progress in all areas of my life. I want to do more than exist. I want to live! Live each day as if it was my last.
But today, I just want to find out the good news so that I can move on and make new plans for Jackie and me. All of the prayers and well wishes certainly do make a difference. I believe that.
Faith: something I need to work on. God help me to make wise decisions and to make a difference in my own life and the life of those around me. I have faith that he won�t close one door without opening another.
8:22 am - June 29, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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