Shame on me for not writing in my journal, but I am a tad depressed. This time next month I�m not sure where I�ll be with my job. I might be getting ready to enroll in college, but on the other hand, I�ll be broke.
Since Friday I�ve spent a lot of time crafting up some ideas for a solution. I�m wracking my head to find extra work and cutting corners. It is not lost on me that I caused myself to be in this situation. It is my own stupidity that got me here. God forgive me for putting my financial situation last. Many times I had the chance to pay a bill early or save some money but instead I went shopping.
Oh, I usually didn�t shop for myself. Most moms do put themselves last. But I was always buying stuff for Jackie, and our animals, and well, I just wasn�t responsible.
Jackie doesn�t need 4 pairs of tennis shoes.
Or 15 pairs of shorts.
The other thing I should be honest about..well, it�s hard for me to talk about.
Most of you know I had very meager beginnings in my life. My mom was severely disabled and very poor, subsisting on the charity of the Catholic Church and kindness of others. I remember she�d buy a bag of potatoes and that would have to last us quite a few days. We ate potatoes 6 ways till Sunday. Mashed, fried, baked, you name it.
When my mom died, there was a can of Crisco and a few potatoes in the refrigerator. That was it. It was April 27th, which was a few days away from the first of the month, when my mom would get her welfare check.
My family members were very modest too. At some time or another, they all had a decent paying job, but it would never last. I don�t really remember any of them having a lot.
Fast-forward some years to when I went into the military. It was good money for a single person and every payday I�d go shopping, but as I got married and my little princess made her debut, things got really tight. And I was married to a tightwad too, which made things more difficult.
I struggled in the military�but part of it was definitely my fault. I was living beyond my means even then.
When I got out of the Navy, I got a job making $9.00 an hour. That was a yearlong struggle. I went from having a steady job in the military to a job where I had no annual leave or sick leave and it would cost me big time when I�d go home sick or Jackie would be ill.
And then I came on here, and my salary more than doubled, and suddenly I didn�t have to penny pinch anymore. But you know the more money you make, it seems the more financial obligations you have, and presently, I am paying for all the living I�ve done the past few years.
I guess what I�m embarrassed about, is the way I�ve been living for the past couple of years. See, I never felt like I deserved this life I have now. I never felt like I fit in. So I sabotaged myself. I wrote bad checks, knowing there was no money in the account. Worse, I didn�t pay them off. The bulk of it happened when I was going through all the agony of having to deal with the trial. I compensated myself my shopping with money I didn�t have.
So now, I am faced with that. I see that I have made these huge mistakes, and somehow, I will pay them off. I can�t believe I did something so stupid.
Now you all know my secret. My sister was sort of angry when I told her. In fact, both of them were. They asked why I didn�t tell them. I didn�t tell them because I was ashamed of what I did.
See, writing bad checks and not paying for them is stealing. I know this. Even when I wrote them I knew this, but I didn�t listen to that little voice. I know the Ten Commandments: they were drilled into my head at an early age.
I knew what I was doing was wrong.
I hope God will forgive me for doing this. I hope he will help me sort this all out, and I hope that I will learn from my own stupidity. I can�t be responsible with credit cards (from my own experience) and now I�m going to have to start phasing out the checkbook. I need to learn to live with cash only.
I need to stop compensating myself for pain with objects. I need to stop trying to fill up that hole inside me with things. I need to stop comforting myself with food. I need to quit trying to make it up to my daughter, for the divorce, by buying her all the clothes she�ll ever want or need.
I saw something on Oprah yesterday. She said that we cover up our issues with weight. I believe that is true. I have some deep unresolved issues that I don�t know how to deal with and instead of making my life better, I dig myself a deep hole.
I overeat, overspend, and underbudget. I am sorely lacking in some life skills that are going to make me a responsible adult.
If I disappear from diaryland for a while, it�s because the crap has hit the fan and I�m dealing with the fallout of my actions.
Please don�t forget about me; I�ll be back.
With much love to you all, especially Lisa, cousin Jacq, Abby, Hayley and Todd.
8:59 am - June 07, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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