I feel sort of..how can I put it�lost. I know where I stand with Romy. I don�t know where I stand with Lisa. I know where I stand with my mom, but not Kevin. Of course, there is the issue of my background check, but I�m not going to beat that tired old horse today.
Things just feel up in the air. It�s disconcerting.
I had to pull back from Romy for my own sanity. Things that needed to be resolved were long overdue. I couldn�t live with certain issues any longer.
Yesterday, I sent her an email saying, in so many words, that we could not live together and that I needed my weekends back soon. I felt bad about her reading it, and knowing she was going to be saying some choice words about me. She really didn�t have any warning that I was going to do this.
I can�t do the babysitting for much longer. I know that sounds selfish, but I have been babysitting for the most part since June of 2004. She�s given me breaks here and there, but I can�t really plan out my weekends because I�m concerned she won�t be able to get child care.
I knew the weekend part time job was her primary source of income, so I�m not going to say that I�m not going to watch her son on the weekend anymore. But I did say that I did need my weekends back.
We�ve had some good times, but I started to feel uncomfortable with things. It didn�t all happen at once. Little things just started piling up over time and Saturday was the straw that broke the camel�s back.
That�s how I am, I guess. I let things build up.
I don�t want to make it seem like Romy is a horrible person. But we don�t think the same and we approach life differently.
I just feel freer now. I still care about her, but things have changed. No, Jackie won�t be staying the night at her house once every couple of weeks, and I will probably be spending a lot more time alone with Jackie. She doesn�t really have any friends in the neighborhood besides Max. We will be one on one a lot more often.
But that�s okay. I can think of a lot worse things than being 1 on 1 with my daughter.
And when the going gets tough, my mom will take Jackie one weekend a month, and that�s just going to have to do.
I can�t believe it, but I gave my mom my email address. Yes, we have moved into the electronic age now.
Mom has been very supportive of me for a while now. I�m still getting used to that feeling. It seemed to me for a long time, she disapproved of everything I did. Or maybe I just imagined some of that.
It doesn�t seem fair that I have had a strained relationship with my mom. This is really my only chance to have a relationship with someone named �My mom�. I think that because of the pain of my birth mom dying so horribly and so young, I�ve put Cindy through the ringer. I think I�ve punished her for what happened to me.
Maybe I�ve not been so fair to her. I feel bad about that. I don�t know if anyone could live up to the impossibly high standards I set for people in my life, but Cindy has stepped up to the plate. She should be commended for that.
I know some of it is my doing, and some of it is hers. She�s said things before that have hurt my feelings. She�s also said things that were truthful, that hurt.
I guess if I just remember she�s human like me, and that she�s coming from a place of love and concern, maybe, just maybe, I can give her a break too. She�s been giving me a break for a long time.
I talked to Mom for a while last night. I am almost in tears from all the crazy stuff going on in my life right now. I can�t deal with stress very well. I told her everything.
This insanity has got to stop.
I want to get off the train now.
Why am I so wishy-washy? Why do I do the things to Mom and Lisa and other people and let a few other people run right over me? I hold people to standards I couldn�t meet myself. I think part of it may be my illness, or that�s what I�ve told myself. Got to blame somebody, but certainly not myself! Har har.
I think all of that is ending now. I first had to cut loose from Romy. That was hard. She was a big influence on my life. I guess on Saturday the light came on in my head, and I realized that I don�t need to become totally immersed in another person�s life. I don�t think that�s healthy!
Mom is taking Jackie this weekend. I guess they�re having a birthday party early for my sister Maggie�s boyfriend�s little boy. Mikey�s 8 already, and he�s a genius. No kidding. This kid is way up there. I think he�s a good influence on Jackie. I think being around him propels her to find out questions to things she wants to know. I know the last time they spent together; they spent an entire afternoon on the computer doing �research�.
He he.
I�m starting to notice Jackie has no female friends. That reminds me of myself, because I was such a little tomboy.
Oh, my God. I had my teeth cleaned yesterday. It was the first time since I left the Navy in 2000. Did someone forget to tell me how much that hurts? And I was hungry afterward. But my mouth hurt too much to eat. I�ve never been in that predicament before.
My appointment was at 4 and I didn�t eat dinner till 8:30 p.m.
I was starved. I ended up eating a TV dinner and ended up chewing up chicken with only my front teeth. How nutty.
12:51 pm - February 08, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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