I�ve been feeling very overwhelmed lately. I�m finding it tough to get through each day without losing my temper or saying something hurtful or stupid to someone else.
I had not written about it but my Grandma went into the hospital last weekend. Her health has been steadily deteriorating and this seemed like a culmination of all of that.
Not much was known immediately about why she went into the hospital. My Aunt Abby and my Uncle Nat spent a lot of time at the hospital with her. I felt bad because I wanted to visit but I cannot bring Jackie, who has asthma, into a place where there�s a bunch of sick people. She�s healthy now for the first time in two months. I guess 4 rounds of antibiotics in two months will do that for you.
Aunt Abby called me Tuesday night and left a message that someone, anyone, needed to call Grandma and talk to her because she was crying and being combative with the doctors and staff at the hospital. I tried to call at 8:05 p.m., but there was no answer. I was a little disappointed at not being able to call Grandma and cheer her up.
Wednesday night, I called Aunt Abby to let her know that I was unsuccessful in reaching Grandma. She was in tears. She told me that Grandma had a heart attack last week. She is also bleeding internally and had to have a blood transfusion last weekend. The bleeding has not stopped, but Grandma nixed the option of getting another blood transfusion.
Grandma has refused all treatment from the doctors and was home against the orders of the medical staff. Grandma said that no one was going to be �cutting� on her and if she was going to die, she was going to do it at home.
I was very distressed about this. I knew that Grandma was very weak and was confined to her bed. I did not feel very comfortable calling her, because I was afraid she�d get out of bed and fall.
After a while, I did call Grandma�s house. Wilma, her next-door neighbor, answered the phone. �She doesn�t look good AT ALL, Melissa.� I asked Wilma to tell Grandma I loved her and that I was thinking about her. We hung up.
I knew that PACE, the elderly folks program, would send their van to pick up Grandma Thursday morning. I hoped someone would talk some sense into her.
Wednesday night, I had terrible nightmares. I dreamed that Jackie was standing in front of me holding out her arms. Where her hands are supposed to be, there were bloody stumps. I was horrified about her hands, but I was so relieved she was alive.
What kind of crap is that?
I was disturbed about it all day, and I did not feel right.
Thursday during the day, I called Grandma�s house and left her a message of support and love. I also told her I�d come visit Saturday.
Thursday afternoon, after work, I was sitting outside talking to Toni. Jackie was riding her scooter/skateboard. Bariel, a neighbor�s child, and one of Jackie�s former playmates, came over.
Now, last week, against my better judgment, I let Jackie play at Bariel�s house. See, every time I let Jackie go over there, Jackie comes home in tears about something Bariel did.
This time, before Jackie had went over, I told Jackie to make sure she cleans up her mess. Jackie was taking over 3 Barbie�s and a Barbie car.
Jackie came home an hour later, hysterical. I had a migraine, which added to my woe. After Jackie calmed down, I found out that they had fun playing. But when it was time to go, Jackie picked up whatever she played with, and her Barbie�s, and stood up to leave.
Bariel says, �You need to help me pick up my mess!�
Jackie told her, �I only have to pick up the mess I made. I�m not cleaning your room.�
Bariel then closed her bedroom door and blocked it. She tried to make Jackie clean her room. When Jackie refused, Bariel made a throat-slitting motion and told Jackie that she would KILL her if she didn�t do what Bariel wanted her to.
I guess Jackie then told her she�d go to jail for murder. After much arguing, Jackie got out of the room and ran home.
After hearing all this, I told Jackie that I expressly FORBID her to play with her anymore. I didn�t talk to Bariel�s mom because I felt like I might not get anywhere with her either.
Fast forward to yesterday. Jackie and Max are playing outside. Bariel wanders over and starts talking to them.
After a few minutes, I asked Bariel if she knew why Jackie hadn�t been playing with her. She said that �Yes�, she knew why. I told her, �We do not threaten our friends. And we definitely do not threaten to kill them.� She nodded her head yes, that she understood. And it was over, as far as I was concerned.
Somehow, the conversation came back around and the next thing I know, Bariel is saying, �I told my mom I threatened to kill Jackie!�
Toni said, �You�re lying through your teeth.� I myself would not have said that. Even though we know that if anything else, Bariel is not truthful. She lies. A LOT! I�ve caught her in many lies.
Well, Bariel does an about face and marches up to her apartment. I knew right then that trouble was coming.
I�m making dinner, taquitoes and mashed potatoes, and the phone rings. I pick it up. I am calm.
Bariel�s mom, Wammy, is on the line.
�What�s going on?� She demanded.
�Nothing is going on,� I said.
�Well, Bariel�s really upset�� Yammer, yammer, yammer.
So, we went through the whole situation.
�Well, they seemed to be having a great time when they played over here.�
I said, �I�m not disputing that. But when Jackie went to leave, Bariel blocked the door. It freaked Jackie out.
And then, when Jackie didn�t do what Bariel wanted her to do, Bariel threatened to kill her��
�She did not!�
�Were you right there?�
�Well the bedroom isn�t very far away!� She shot back. And by the way, based on Bariel�s past behavior, is it out of the realm of possibility that she would threaten someone? Nope.
�Look, I only know what my daughter told me. She wouldn�t get upset about nothing.�
Oh, and then she went off, something about how she�s not going to have anyone getting up in her daughter�s face and blah, blah blah. I told her that no one got in her daughter�s face. In fact, her daughter was 30 feet away when I approached her.
�Well, you tell Toni..�
�Um, you tell Toni. I don�t relay messages.�
Well, I guess Wammy didn�t like that.
�I�ll be right over,� She growled. Then she hung up on me.
I didn�t want to discuss anything in front of Jackie, so I went out on the front porch to wait for her. My heart was pounding. I really hate confrontation. But I was not about to let her take a situation where her child was in the wrong and let her make it about Jackie. Way to reinforce to your child that no matter what they do wrong, you�re going to blame other people.
What irks me is that this child thinks it�s okay to threaten another person with violence. If she had been at school, she would�ve been in the principle�s office. If she would�ve been older, she�d probably go to juvie.
Don�t tell me it�s okay to threaten to kill somebody. Not with all the violence at school, bullying, and the school shootings. Not to me, a person that lost someone I love, and almost my life, to murder. You�re talking to the wrong person, pal.
Well, Wammy never showed up. I�m ready to let it drop. Jackie will never play with little seven-year-old Freddy Krueger again. But Toni says she�s going to write a letter.
I�m not involved anymore.
Then, we have another situation. 4 months ago, Toni and I had spoken about possibly renting a house together. Financially, it�s a good idea. Jackie would have a yard to play in; the kids would have a little more freedom. And no more dragging laundry out every friggin weekend, regardless of the weather.
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
But as time has gone on, I have found many reasons not to do so. I even renewed my lease this month for another year. Whenever Toni�s spoken about it, I have kept my comments to a minimum.
I have not been able to tell her that we�re not going to do this. I�ve made up my mind. I even talked to my Mom about it and she also felt it was a bad idea.
You can be friends with someone without having to live together. Jackie and I like our freedom and we like having our own place.
So, I�m not going to do it. Lately, when she�s brought it up, I just clammed up. I would think that as intelligent as she is, she would�ve caught on by now.
I feel bad. If she were family, it would be different. I�m not going to lie. I�ve lived with my sisters. We were fine. I�ve lived with my cousin. We were fine.
I�ve also lived with friends. That�s a very dicey situation.
So there�s that. It�s weighing heavily on my conscience. I�ve been feeling like this since Thanksgiving, and I�m tired of it. I just want to tell her and get it over with.
And my friend Kevin still hasn�t contacted me. I am very worried about him. He was suicidal in September. I found that out in October. We even made plans for him to come visit in January of this year.
He missed Christmas. The box I sent him came back unclaimed. His phone is disconnected. He never called at Christmas to speak to us. And he never misses sending his goddaughter something in the mail. And January came and went without a phone call.
I think I still have his mother�s address. I�m going to send her a letter and ask her to call me.
I don�t want to think about it. Kevin is one of the few friends I have left in this world and I love him dearly. I cannot imagine life without him.
My gut tells me one thing, and I�m trying to ignore it and hope for the best.
Last night I was feeling a bit depressed and sad. I decided to go to bed at nine o�clock. I wasn�t in bed 20 minutes and my phone rang. To my surprise, it is my Grandma.
She sounds really weak.
We talk for a bit. She rants about her kids �turning on her� because they believe the doctors when they said that Grandma�s health was in dire straights and she needed treatment immediately.
�Grandma, they�re just trying to help..�
�I don�t want anyone cutting on me I have enough surgery!� She practically spat that out.
I sighed. What am I supposed to do?
I try being supportive.
�It sounds like it was scary, having to go through all that.�
�Yes, it was,� She said weakly.
�But Lis, what I want to know is..why don�t you ever come see me?� She started to cry.
Oh, my God! I come see her all of the time. Almost every weekend! The only people that see her more than me are my Uncle Nat and Aunt Abby.
I am so frustrated.
We talk for a while until she calms down. I told her that we�d come over this Saturday to visit for a while. That seemed to appease her.
We hung up.
I did not sleep well last night.
I am also broke. My hair has split ends and I�ve been wearing workout pants to work. Not professional at all. I need to go shopping and get my hair cut, and it�s not in the budget this week.
Jackie�s birthday is March the 3rd. I haven�t done her birthday shopping yet either.
I have 3 zits on my chin. That�s my personal record.
My background check is still going on. Nervous.
I know it seems like lately, I am Ms. Gloom and Doom. I feel bad about that, but this is my journal. I have to have an outlet for my stress.
So, it all ends up in here.
Sorry.
11:21 am - February 04, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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