On Sunday, I talked to Silvia for two whole hours. God, I really miss her.
Silvia and I met in the bathroom at my first duty station. I�d been in the Navy about 11 months, and this job was going to take a lot more effort than anything I�d ever done in my life. Besides the crappy hours, I was newly married. And I was newly pregnant. Making friends was hard. I was one of 4 female enlisted members at the location. The other 85 were men, of course.
I didn�t click with the other girls, so when I met Silvia, I was ecstatic. She was a 2nd class petty officer, an E-5. I couldn�t believe an e-5 was giving me the time of day.
Silvia is a petite Mexican girl. She�s about 5 feet tall, weighed about 104 pounds and probably still does.
Silvia was as beautiful as the day is long. She didn�t need to wear any makeup, and she didn�t.
When I met her, she was married to an officer. They�d met on her first ship, 8 years before, when she was a 3rd class, and he was an e-5. Over the years, she�d made 2nd and he made Chief.
They married long before the Navy made a big deal about fraternizing. Now, it�s pretty much strictly forbidden for an enlisted to be involved with a chief or an officer.
Silvia�s husband, we shall call him Rony, made officer.
Many people would think being married to an officer is awesome. All that money, and status, and importance and all that.
Yes, Silvia lived in a beautiful, GORGEOUS, at least $350,000 home on the intercoastal waterway in Jacksonville. It had plush, thick aqua green carpeting throughout the house. It had cathedral ceilings. They had a $10,000 living room set. It was amazing.
As much as her husband made, being a warrant officer, he still made her make � the house payment and half of the utilities.
But I can tell you, when I went into that beautiful home, that I didn�t feel love in it. Yes, I�m sure Silvia loved Rony. But I don�t think he loved her the way he was supposed to. Sometimes now I think that she was just a tax deduction to him.
It used to piss me off. She would tell me stories of him waking her up at 5:00 in the morning on a Saturday so SHE could get to work on the house. Bricking it up, painting it, landscaping. He always had work for her to do.
And the way he spoke to her, like she was a 5 year old. I once had dinner at their home. Not only could I tell he was judging me for being pudgy, but I could also tell that Silvia wasn�t supposed to talk a lot when they had company. She smiled at me a lot that night, but she wasn�t her usual self.
Silvia, in all of her beauty, was spending her life with someone who didn�t appreciate her. That hurt me.
We both had awful experiences at that command. Before I even came to the command, Silvia was pretty much blackballed after filing a charge against a superior that made unwanted advances to her. She tried so much to get it resolved at her level, but nobody would listen. To get it to stop she had to take it all the way up to base legal, and it put a target on her back.
When I came to the command, I didn�t play along with the politics and was pretty unimpressed with the whole �I outrank you so I own you� crap. And once I became involved with Silvia, I too, became a target.
I didn�t mind.
That was the time I realized that my plans to do the famous �Seaman to Admiral� program was not going to ever happen. I became the command black sheep. Silvia had officially handed the baton to me.
My pregnancy was rough. I was sick until I was 6 months pregnant with morning sickness. I was extremely tired. Of course, the men in the command had no sympathy. �The baby didn�t come in your sea bag� was the snotty comment they always made.
To get away from work, Silvia and I would go out whenever we had the chance. And because I didn�t have a car, she would take me grocery shopping. We shopped a lot. Our favorite stores were Bath and Body Works, and Victoria�s Secret.
Yes, that was back when I could still wear Victoria�s Secret. Yes, there was a time when I could fit my rump into a size medium.
Our favorite restaurants were Chick Fil�A and Hooter�s. I can remember being 8 months pregnant and eating there.
One day, in the last few months of my pregnancy, I had sorted out the laundry and was getting ready to take it to the Laundromat in our complex. Silvia called and asked me what I was doing.
When I told her, she said, �You don�t need to be dragging laundry all over town in your condition.� So, she took me shopping for a washer and dryer, and put in on her credit card. I paid her back when I did my taxes a few weeks later.
That saved me a lot of time and effort. I didn�t expect anyone to do anything that nice for me.
I loved her for that.
Silvia was there for most of my important moments. Jackie�s first outing was at a restaurant near our home. Silvia was there with me and my mom and my sister, and my husband. That of course, was back when my husband was in love with me.
I remember soon after Jackie was born, Silvia and I went to Wal-Mart. I had put the carrier in the back of the cart, and people stopped me over and over again to tell me how beautiful my baby was.
Jackie�s first trip to the zoo was when she was 7 months old, and of course, Silvia was there.
When Jackie was a few months old, we started taking road trips to St. Augustine and places like that. As Jackie got older, we did more.
Whenever I needed something, it seemed like Silvia instinctively knew. And she always took me to get what I needed, and she never made me feel bad for it. If you think about it, she took me grocery shopping 24 times a year, plus all the trips to the mini-mart, the mall and all.
Some of my best memories were on the beach. We didn�t ever go swimming. Often, we�d just walk along the beach with Jackie toddling along. It seemed like the only time Silvia ever really had peace was at the beach.
When we ate out, we�d sit and linger over our food for hours, sharing secrets and confiding everything. It�s probably the only time in my life when I didn�t hold back.
In Jacksonville, they always had something going on at the beach. Almost every year we went to the Seafood Festival and the Hispanic Festival.
I miss that.
Silvia and I had a few fights. What friends don�t? The thing is, we loved each other. She knew all my secrets. I could trust her. Even when we were mad at each other, we always came back together.
I was lucky when I was in the military. Besides constantly working on my physical fitness, there were other perks that I enjoyed. Shopping at the base store (discounts!). Living in beautiful base housing, living down the street from Jackie�s doctor and the hospital. I could walk or ride my bike to work, which I did, always.
Constant patrols of the base police which made me feel safe. Plus, my sister lived with me, so I was lucky enough to share that life with a family member.
And then there were my friends. Belinda, Ricky, Ronnie and Silvia. I am in contact still with all of them, except Ronnie. We were like ships passing in the night. But I loved him, and cherished his friendship. He was there for me too. I gave him a place to crash whenever he felt like it, and he gave Jackie male attention, which she craved. Her dad was too far up his girlfriend�s butt to pay attention to her.
When Silvia left Jacksonville to go to her next duty station, Guam, I became so depressed. I had a 7 months left in the Navy, and I couldn�t imagine doing it without her.
I had to disentangle from her life. In a way, I had wrapped myself up and intertwined myself into her life. Our friendship was a tightly woven tapestry.
It was hard to let her go.
The thing is, when I was in Jacksonville, I didn�t have to deal with my past. I didn�t have to deal with my family. I could do my own thing and lead my own life.
Here in St. Louis, I had to confront my past and own up to some huge mistakes I had made. I needed to know my family, and have real relationships with them. I needed to learn how to be alone.
I hate being alone.
And I must admit, having had a great friendship with Silvia, I know what friendship really is. I admit also, that maybe I suck at it, and that Silvia must�ve made it easier on me than most people would have.
Because right now, I have one good friend in St. Louis. I love her. But I don�t know how to be her friend. She is an absolutely fabulous girl, with the sweetest most nurturing spirit. I do adore her. I think she is slipping away from me. I don�t blame her.
She knows that I had issues with her husband because I felt like he mistreated her at one time. I don�t feel that he�s doing that anymore. He�s getting help for his issues. I�m very proud of him.
I think that makes her feel strange, knowing at one time I had so many hard feelings against her husband. Getting over that would be very tough, I imagine.
As far as I go, when all someone�s known of me is the sad, fat, depressed person, I understand why I don�t rank high on their list. I mean, if I don�t love myself, how can I expect someone else to? And this thing I do, where I pull someone close, but then push them away; I know it�s got to be frustrating. Call it bipolar disorder, or Missy disorder. It�s something I do, and I don�t think most people can deal with it.
I�m the Queen of Dysfunction.
But I still need love.
Silvia is now divorcing Rony. He didn�t deserve her in the first place. Silvia is an awesome person, but all he ever saw was a trophy wife. All he saw was a beautiful body. And it almost crushed her beautiful spirit, that marriage.
I�m so glad Silvia still believes in love. She spent many years without it. I think she deserves to spend the rest of her life with it. You go girl. I�m so proud of you for making that fresh start.
And I�m so glad we are communicating again.
I missed you.
And yes, I will come visit you in San Diego, when I get some leave saved up.
And we will tear that town up.
I�m looking forward to it.
9:27 am - February 02, 2005
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
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