Dear Sis,
I don�t really know how to begin this letter so I guess I�ll start with saying what�s on my mind. I hope you can follow.
Sis, I thought after a lifetime I would�ve known you by now. I�ve not been able to depend on a lot of things, but I�ve always depended on my sisters. You guys are really the only things in my life that have stayed the same up until now.
I guess everything changes sometimes.
After all, we�ve had some of the same awful experiences so that would give us a bond that could never be broken. You and me have been through a lot. We lived in the same hell.
I don�t mean to be harsh but I think that maybe you too will admit that Terry broke our bond. The precious bond that we�ve had for 27 years.
After all the evil, ignorant, malicious, vicious things he has done to you, I can�t believe you would believe anything he says but yet you turn around and doubt me!
Aren�t there some little bells going off in your head yet?
You got angry with me for what I said and defend him fiercely. What do I get out of this? It�s not like I�m trying to run your life. I�m your sister. I wouldn�t lie to you, mislead you or deceive you. I have no reason to do so. Nothing I said to you was any of that.
No matter what it sounded like, I was concerned and upset about the choices you�re making in your life. And before you tell me to butt out you might remember too that the choices you make not only affect you but your kids.
The only one that�s going to really make out in this whole deal is Terry. He�s done what he came to do. He�s destroyed a lot of things that took a long time to make. He doesn�t care. In the end he�s still getting his way.
Yet, you tried to make me feel guilty for what I said and threatened to not tell me another thing about your life. Fine. If I have to sacrifice being in the know about your life in return for you maybe getting your shit together, okay.
If I have to do or say things I wouldn�t normally do so that you will wake up and understand that you are toying with your kid�s and your own life, fine.
I�ll do whatever I have to, to save your life. It really is going to come down to life and death with him. Not today, not tomorrow, but someday. What�s going to be his excuse next time? There�s always an excuse. He makes them and you make them for him. What�s sad is you may not live to hear that next excuse.
I�m sorry. When I see my sister acting like a moron and is in danger of losing her kids, I speak up. Yes, Tommy could in fact, take the kids. See, according to the state, Mom being involved with a drug-using, abusive, ex-con is reason enough to grant dad custody.
Yes, it�s true.
Tommy has recent events to look to. Not even a couple of months ago, Terry was calling your work and threatening to beat your butt or worse kill you. Not even a couple of months ago, he slashed your tires. You can�t tell me that you believe he�s �changed� in that short period of time because that would mean you are gullible. You�ve never been gullible, not in your entire life. Not actually until you met Terry.
If you can�t put your kids first, maybe you should let Tommy take them for a while. Then you can run off into the happily ever after with Terry and see how long it takes for him to screw up again. Because, truth is, he will screw up again.
I think Terry could tell you the Pope was black and Jesus was really an alien and you�d probably believe him. I also believe he�s probably going to tell you that you�re sister is jealous of the �love� you have and not to listen to me.
Get a grip. Wake the hell up, Renee. I�d rather be alone than be with someone like Terry. So what if I have to do things by myself.
When I think back to last week I have mixed emotions. On one hand I was really glad you were here. On the other, I was really worried about you.
I don�t know what bothered me most: you incessantly talking about Terry like he�s a saint or the constant sarcasm you had toward Tommy and also to my friends. Did you know that is was unpleasant for me to always hear that? Did you ever stop to think that you�re being negative too? Boy but you harp on Tommy for it.
Why is it that everyone else is wrong but whatever you do and no matter how terrible it is you are still always right?
I keep getting this feeling that everything is all about you.
That you�re not taking into consideration the kids needs, your own needs, Tommy�s feelings or your future.
Everything is about Terry too, and I hate that.
Do you think it�s good for your kids to have to deal with either situation? I bet they are confused.
Do you really think that people you�ve just met are impressed with the fact that you�re so tough and rough? Not really. They think, boy, she�s got a chip on her shoulder. No one had to tell me but my neighbors were not impressed with your attitude.
Renee, you talk a tough game. I give you that. But you don�t live a tough game, not really. Because if you did, that piece of crap Terry wouldn�t be around. You wouldn�t be letting him turn your life upside down for the 10th time.
What kind of man doesn�t have respect for a marriage or family? Well, Terry of course. Terry does what Terry wants to do in every situation and the hell with other people. Terry always gets what he wants because he is a weasel.
You�re not as tough as you pretend to be. A tough woman wouldn�t have anything to do with a man that would hit her. A tough woman wouldn�t have anything to do with a man that�s already threatened to kill her either. A woman with some common sense and self-esteem would have nothing to do with Terry because she�d know right away that he is trouble.
Because Terry cannot add anything to your life, he could only burden it. He has nothing to offer. Except some booty. Big whoop, he uses viagra. Who cares?
But booty is the last thing that�s going to matter when he thinks that he has the right to bury his fists in your head.
It�s not going to matter when he decides you messed up again so he�s going to whoop your butt.
He has no right to lay a finger on you. Who died and made him god?
You think you�re in control this time around, but you�re not. He�s manipulating you. And he�s pretty good at it, I give the toad that much, because you�re not even noticing it.
He�ll keep isolating you until you have no one to turn to for help. Because that�s what abusers do.
What makes me sick about it all is that all the things that bother me about you right now are things you learned from him or Brandy. The sister I grew up with wouldn�t be with someone who hit her, or did drugs (serious drugs like crank), someone who had a nice long police record, a racist, and someone who didn�t work. We may not have had a lot of things growing up but the men in our lives worked. Shit, I got blind people at my job doing things for the government. I�ve seen Veterans who had their legs amputated working at Home Depot as a greeter.
Terry could work if he wanted to, but he�s a slimy piece of crap, so of course he doesn�t. He�ll continue to be a drain on the economy and taxpayers for the rest of his life. What a man.
What happened to your priorities? You say they�re you�re kids. I don�t believe that anymore. I think Terry has overrun your life and your kids, and Tommy, is along for the ride.
Why in the hell would you put a man first? I believe your children were there first. And yet you bring this sack of dog slime into their lives and expect them to not only like him but also obey him. He�s a mean bastard. Are you nuts? If I was Kayla I�d kick him in the shins every chance I got. I don�t blame the child one bit for saying he�s mean.
If my daughter�s stepmother were an evil witch I�d also tell Jackie that she doesn�t have to listen to her either. Jackie actually got lucky and got a good stepmother.
Poor Kayla. Poor Leah. Poor Logan.
I feel sorry for those kids.
I don�t blame Tommy for telling Kayla that because Terry is not her parent. He has no right to be telling her what to do. She shouldn�t have to do anything he tells her to, but that�s my opinion.
Momma would be rolling over in her grave right now if she could see what you�re doing. You know how she died! You know the mistakes she made. But she left her abusers. She sure did.
Did you forget the hell I went through this past year because of Rod*ney Lin*coln?
While you were out having fun with Terry I was fighting to keep the man that tried to murder us in jail. Stalkers often kill. Why don�t you believe Terry will? They murder. All it takes is one time for them to get angry and lose it. Did you know that? Did you learn nothing from what happened with Mama?
And you�re probably saying, �This is exactly why I don�t live here and why I don�t tell my family nothing.� You�re damn skippy. Because you�re living your life in a sinful, lustful, terrible way and YOU KNOW IT! And while I�m at it, I am no angel but I cannot believe you thought it was okay and safe to mix prescription drugs with alcohol.
I cannot believe how you just casually mention you�d love to have a muscle relaxer or a sleeping pill. Renee, abusing prescription drugs can get you as dead as street drugs if you abuse them. Why would you think it�s okay to abuse prescription drugs unless you learned it from Terry?
Where did you learn to self-medicate? From Terry.
That�s a bad example to your kids. Who wants to be like you? Your girls. They learn from watching you how to act like a girl and eventually, a woman.
They learn by example.
Let�s see: You want them to have premarital and preadolescent, adulterous not to mention numerous sexual incidences, drinking problems, drug problems, oh and they will probably grow up thinking that if a man hits you then you deserve it and that they should stick around.
Don�t you have dreams for your kids? Don�t you want them to be happy? Kids learn what they see. They learn to live what they�ve lived. I guarantee that if you keep living your life the way you�ve been for the past few years that something terrible is going to happen to the girls early on in their lives. They�re not ever going to have enough self-worth to think that what they need and want matters.
Tommy, well, he is who he is. I�m not going to say he�s an angel because no one really is. I think you used him.
But he bought you that sectional, your neat little patio set, and helped you with your bills, and moved in so you�d feel safe because you were afraid of Terry. Yeah, he did that for you. And for his kids. You can call Tommy stupid, which I think is really mean, and you can make fun of him. But he helped you when you were afraid. I don�t know if I could keep opening up my heart for someone I know has always stomped on it in the past.
I know for a fact that Tommy is afraid Terry is going to hurt those kids. All it takes is for one time for Terry to get mad and one of them gets in the way. Why are you willing to take a chance on their safety? You shouldn�t gamble with the safety of your kids ever.
Is it because that dog says, �I wouldn�t never lay a hand on any of those kids.�? I don�t know how you could believe a word that�s come out of that liar�s mouth, and yet you do.
Tommy was there for you when you were afraid of Terry. And yet now you have no use for him and you are back to treating him exactly the same way Abby treated Jerry Woodward. Remember that?
That�s not right Renee. You know it�s not.
Whatever you may think of Tommy you need to remember that he�s been there for you, providing for you and the kids and as the kid�s father the last thing he deserves is your sarcasm and pure hatred. You spent a lot of time while here hammering Tommy for this or that. I�m sure you thought you had good reason, but did you ever stop to think that little ears are listening to what you�re saying?
Even I know that you�re no picnic Renee. You�re a hard person to get along with. No one has to tell me that. But I didn�t see Tommy saying hateful and mean things to you.
Do you know that kids who deal with relationships like yours and Tommy�s develop serious mental issues later on?
Is that what you want for your kids? You and Tommy do not have to stay married but you MUST learn to get along for the well being of the children.
When are you and Tommy going to grow up and put those kids first?
This �lifestyle� goes against everything you were taught growing up. I�m not a member of the prude police but I know for sure that a woman should be ruled by her heart and not her private parts. It seems everything is about sex with you. That�s pretty sad.
This is the same reason why I was alarmed a couple of years ago when I came to see you. What kind of example are you setting for your kids anyway?
I�m angry with you Renee. Just a few years ago, you and Cindy were convinced I was mentally unfit to care for a child because I moved back here and didn�t have a home or a job. When I really needed you, you kicked me out. I never understood that. I still don�t know what I did.
But you felt like it was okay to judge me and that�s exactly what you did. Now, the tables are turned and you�re the one messing up. Doesn�t feel good to be criticized, I know.
I have my own problems. They are: my weight, my bipolar, and my crazy neighbors. However, I�m not doing drugs, I�m not an alcoholic, I don�t sleep around and I give my daughter the best of me that I can give. She�s first in my life.
Jackie knows where she stands with me. Do your kids know where they stand with you?
I feel bad for blowing up at you on Monday. We had a wonderful week together and I guess I ruined it. I�m just so scared for you. I don�t regret what I said, I only regret when I said it. It could�ve waited a week or so.
I know you also mentioned that you told me things in confidence and for it to be private. Well, you never said that I couldn�t get mad about what you told me. I think you knew I�d be upset.
I just want the best for you and yet, you keep settling for less.
I don�t understand you sometimes.
I will always love you no matter what you do. I just can�t say that I will have anything to do with Terry. I hate that bastard.
You must also know that if you choose Terry that your life is going to be very long and very hard, because he�s going to make it that way.
Love,
Me
8:17 am - June 03, 2004
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