I�m so tired. Only 4 more days until my next sleep study. It can�t come quick enough, I tell you. I�m plain exhausted from sleep apnea. It sucks.
My right eye is watering again and has been since I walked in here at 7:30 this morning.
Mr. Sweatpants called me last night from Kansas City. He spent Easter weekend with his family because his brother has colon cancer, and Rene� just found out the cancer had spread to the lungs. I felt so bad for him. I can�t imagine my siblings being sick like that.
I told him that no matter what I adore my two sisters, 3 when I count Maggie, and I couldn�t bear for any of them to be sick with cancer.
I feel for Rene�. On the outside, he�s a youthful 45-year-old man. On the inside, he�s a twelve-year-old boy who lost his dad to a heart attack.
I�m sure a part of Rene� feels that this is so unfair. He hates death and is very afraid of it. I suppose if anything, it�s that �this isn�t fair� emotion that I identify with.
He feels so helpless. I think Rene�s done a lot to ward off an early death. Running 10 miles a day, a daily garlic pill�daily vitamins, eating a lot of veggies. He�s in better shape than I am and he�s 16 years older than me.
He�s a hot grown-up Mexican Ironman but he seems like such a little boy to me at times.
I�ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I think I need to make peace with what�s happened to me and move on with my life. I�ve held onto this pain for so long that it�s become a part of me, even if it�s a heavy burden. It is truly heavy. I think I need to let it go.
This year I confronted a lot of my fears. I�ve talked about what�s bothered me instead of holding it in. What was once toxic to my soul has lost its ferocity. I�m a little more indifferent. My life is different. I�m evolving. I�m changing.
I don�t need to hold this secret sadness inside anymore. I don�t need to grieve in private, or cry when I�m alone. I just want to enjoy my life now. I�m sick of walking around feeling like I got a gaping hole in my heart that everyone can see.
I can�t erase what happened to me, but I can make a choice that utter sadness will not be a part of me anymore. I know I will have times when I�m sad or times I will miss my mom�s presence. That will be allowed. But I will strive not let the sadness encompass my entire being ever again because I have a hard time rising up when I�m knocked down.
I�m not going to let life ever beat me down into submission ever again. I ain�t the type!
Now, how about them Cardinals?
12:59 pm - April 12, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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