This weekend was pretty crazy. Between Jackie and the dog, I�m going nuts. We did the usual. Laundry, cleaned our house, cleaned Grandma Lou-Lou�s house. So much for a long 3-day weekend.
I found out I should not take the dog when I go to Grandma�s house. He acted like a straight up fool, barking and lunging at the Grandma�s dogs. His chain, that cost me $19.99, broke.
We had to lock him up in a crate in Grandma�s house while I cleaned it.
Geez.
If it�s not Jackie sitting on me, it�s Toby sitting on me. I�m just a part of the furniture now.
Something happened this weekend that caused me to stop and think about how very lucky I am to be alive. I�m realizing just how close I was to my own destruction when I was 19. It could�ve been me. I felt like I was looking at what could�ve been.
Remember the little girl named Paige? Remember I bought her a coat for Christmas? Just a week ago we took her to the park with us. We had a fun time slipping and sliding on the ice.
Last Saturday after we got home from Grandma Lou-Lou�s, at around 12:25 I went up to McDonald�s to get lunch. Jackie had went with Romy and Dax and Dax�s 2 little friends to Old Country Buffet and afterwards planned to take them to Susson Park. God bless that woman!
I was alone and feeling free!
When I came back, I couldn�t get to my back parking lot because the road was blocked by an EMT vehicle, a firetruck and a police car. The first thing I thought of was Ms. Iris. I always worry about Ms. Iris. Or her elderly and infirm mother. I worry a lot.
Eventually I got tired of waiting and parked in an open space behind the apartment building. I walked up the sidewalk and headed toward our apartment.
A policeman was walking in front of me. I felt silly for being outside in my sexy gray sweatpants and my baby blue pajamas.
Thankfully, he paid me no attention though. Like a man on a mission, he walked across the courtyard to Bana�s apartment. Immediately, a feeling of dread came over me.
I thought of Paige. I hoped nothing had happened to her. I hoped Bana hadn�t ran off and left her again. I knew Grandma Janet would take care of Paige, but still.
I strode purposely to Iris� apartment and knocked on her door.
�Is everything okay? Have you talked to Janet?�
Ms. Iris didn�t know anything about it, so I walked home.
3 more police cars drove up, and then there came a Crime Scene Van. That�s when my heart started pounding.
I called Ms. Iris and told her about the Van. A policeman opened the side door and brought out a camera. That�s when we knew something had happened.
Crying people were standing in the parking lot. Ms. Iris and I decided to go outside and see if we could be of any assistance. That�s when we found out what had happened.
Paige�s young mother, Bana, age 26 (I believe) was found dead on this Valentine�s Day of an apparent drug overdose. The police found paraphernalia in the bathroom.
The sadness of this overwhelms me.
The grandmother, Janet who is Bana�s mother, came home from her nursing shift Saturday and found her daughter dead on the living room carpet. I can�t imagine how she must be feeling. My neighbor said something that stuck in my head �She didn�t see an adult lying there, she saw her baby.�
No matter how she died, it is still very sad. Nothing could take away from that.
I�m sad for Paige. I�m sad for Paige�s grandma. I�m a little sad also that Bana never saw her own potential. She wasted her life on drugs and worthless men. I don�t think she ever felt she had value.
That was readily apparent in our short conversations.
Paige. I�m dreading seeing that child. Inwardly, I will fight back a few tears. I know what it�s like to lose a mother at that age. It doesn�t matter of they die through suicide or homicide or of their own stupidity.
It still sucks to lose your mom.
Mr. Moody lost his mother to suicide. I bet you he doesn�t miss her any more or less because she died by her own hand. He does get angry because she made a choice to end her life.
I�m also sure that the circumstances surrounding her death don�t make it any easier to deal with.
I understand that when someone dies of her own doing that people will point fingers, people will blame. I guess if it makes death more palatable to you then go ahead and do so if it makes you feel better.
I know that people who are self-destructive are in an incredible
amount of pain. Maybe it is selfish. But pain that envelops you and takes control of your life is immense and almost insurmountable and hard to fight on a day-by-day basis for most of your life. You get tired. Take it from me. Most of us self-destructives are ill-equipped to deal with life. We spend a lot of time running away from truth and reality because we don�t know how to face our fears.
Don�t judge us. I used to be one of those self-destructive people. Thank God I made it through that. Some people don�t survive their own self-destructiveness. Bana was one of them.
I talked to Janet. Have you ever tried to comfort someone who has just lost a child? Does it really matter how they died? Will being angry solve anything?
I heard that Janet didn�t want to leave the body. Maybe she thought Bana, in her usual goofy fashion, would just sit up and say, �Just kidding� and go about her day.
When my momma lay some feet from me on the floor that night, I hoped she would sit up and tell me it was all a dream. I lay on that cold floor and I focused on her, trying to will her to wake up. But she didn�t. She was gone. While I hoped she would wake up, she was dying. Maybe she was already gone.
There is almost a perverse need to stay near a dead body. I get that. I understand.
I remember when the ambulance was taking me away; I didn�t want to leave my mother�s body. I kept asking the paramedics where she was. At first they told me she was in the ambulance behind me. Eventually, they told me it was Renee, my baby sis, in the other ambulance. Mom never left the house until the coroner came to get her.
When I talked to Janet she was hovering in her doorway. She had a piece of pink tissue in her hands and she was slowly shredding it. Terror was etched on her face as she told me about Bana. Something told me to tell her �you were a good mother to Bana�� so I did. She stopped talking and said, �Why thank you. That�s so sweet!� and she gave me a hug. She collapsed in tears again. I felt her body shaking and my heart just swelled.
A policeman heard our conversation. He told her, �This is not your fault,� to which Janet just stared at him, startled. He said, �Sometimes people just need to hear that..�
I felt that was a very sweet and also relevant thing to say.
Eventually, after I told her if she needed anything I�d be there, I made my way home. I felt useless and empty. It�s a maternal instinct to want to soothe another person. Nothing could soothe Jane though, and I felt helpless to ease her pain.
Rene� and I decided that we were going to do something good for the family. Ms. Iris and I talked it over and decided to get some sandwiches from Schnuck�s for the family after the wake. Ms. Iris is going to make some lasagna. It�s a little something to show we care.
And, though I have no religion, I do believe in the Bible. This is one of my favorite verses:
Revelation 21:4 - And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
My life has been filled with people that didn�t have to care, but did. I can at least return that favor to other people.
I went over and cleaned Ms. Iris� carpets yesterday. It didn�t take that long. That was reparations for her watching Jackie on 3 snow days.
09:28 - Tuesday, Feb. 17, 2004
Recent entries:
What you missed - January 16, 2012
%%older_entries%%From hell - October 19, 2010
%%older_entries%%a rant from a few weeks ago - August 17, 2010
%%older_entries%%Tired - June 20, 2010
%%older_entries%%A beautiful lie - March 11, 2010
%%older_entries%%
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